The flies are humping my radio . . .

The BBQ Pit
1

For pure sugar flows from its speakers.

It started with “Everything You Want,” by Vertical Horizon.

For those who are fortunate to have been nowhere near a radio since its release, “Everything You Want” is the story of a young man who is madly in love with a young woman who, as per obligation, is actively not in love with him, though he exemplifies the things she claims to want in a man.

Since then, an entire sub-genre of sap-crap has evolved, including–but not by any means limited to–“Flavor of the Weak” by American Hi-Fi, “Absolutely (Story of a Girl)” by Nine Days, “Teenage Dirtbag” by Wheatus, and several dozen others. The sub-genre is typefied by a pop-punk sound[sup]1[/sup], and most importantly, a stinging, unrequited teenage love theme.[sup]2[/sup]

Here’s my problem. This stuff gets played, and a lot. It’s cliche, it’s pithy, and worst of all, it’s mundane. I mean, if I were to write a song about the fact that I have feet, I wouldn’t be able to sell it, or get airplay, because it’s more or less a given. Most people have feet. There’s no uniqueness to it.

Same goes with unrequited love. Almost all “teenage love”–at least, in my experience–is unrequited. Indeed, my experience includes quite a lot of unrequited love, but I don’t go writing pithy little songs trying to get the whole bloody country to feel bad for me. “Pity me, my girl found somebody more capable.” At least find something original to whine about, you putz! Don’t disrespect me by saying that you’re the only one to ever have gotten shut down, and that you’re the only one with romance problems, and that you’re the only one whose crush hasn’t reciprocated, and for the love of dancing crap, don’t you ever again try to tell me that your life is over because some stuck-up high school snob has shot you down.

So news flash. Your whiny adolescence isn’t welcome here. Find your own way through puberty. Don’t pout to the whole bloody world about it.

GROW UP. GET OVER IT. Or I will personally track you down and hit you with a brick. Perhaps then you’ll write about something interesting.

NOW GET OFF MY RADIO!

[sup]1[/sup]Vertical Horizon’s song lacks this, but it introduces the subject matter which has become abused by these and others.
[sup]2[/sup]By way of confirmation, Zebrahead has parodied this sub-genre with “Playmate of the Year.” The only difference between this and the other songs I’ve mentioned lies in the fact that the object of the singer’s affection happens to be made of paper (that is, a centerfold).

2

i like unrequited love songs. Jeff Buckley made a career (all to brief unfortunately) sing about how sad he was cuz she dumped him… most of it was beautiful. and a huge chunk of pop music and music in general plays with this theme not despite the fact that its generic but specifically BECAUSE of the fact that its universal. "if i wrote songs about being a bald sound designer with nmo pets, I doubt anyone would be interested.

All that said, I absloutely agree with you that thse bands are crap. just for different reasons. They offer no synthesis of aesthetics. I mean nothing is new any more, its been done, but the exciting things that keep our attention in music are for the most part interesting syntheses and juxtapositions of different styles and ideas.
This stuff is strictly nebraska rock (no offense, nebraskans, you know what I mean). Total lightweights. And actually I’d treace the lineage back further than vertical horizon to the gawdawful Third Eye Blind, or Better Than Ezra, or any number of other “post grunge” popsters from the mid nineties.
Makes me wretch.
CJ

3

I cringe when I hear that Vertical Horizon song because I can remember a time in my life when that song would speak to me, and I’m ashamed that I was ever so immature.

4

Two points, really:

  1. I may have to appropriate this thread title for my sig at some point, as it is evocative and cool. Just thought I’d mention that.

  2. If done properly, I’d bet you could market a song about your feet. There’s a niche for everything these days.

  3. Hi Opal!

5

Although, to be fair, I’d rather listen to fifty songs about unrequited love than have my radio inundated with Celin Dion-ish ballads of HOW GREAT IT IS THAT I’M IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE LIKE YOU AND YOU LOVE ME BACK AND OUR LOVE IS A GREAT LOVE AND I LOVE YOU.

If you want sap…the in-praise of love songs are Vermont.

That’s why you’ve got to stick with Goth Metal. i guarantee you Vertical Horizon ain’t gonna be singing about necrophilia anytime soon.

Also, and I can’t emphasize this enough…we really can’t expect corporate radio to provide us with cutting edge, controversial, original music unless we live in a college town. Very often the best music is music you have to dig up to find.

jarbabyj

6

I went to school with Vertical Horizon. Or at least the two of them who aren’t the lead singer or the drummer. They were a few years ahead of me, and they used to play crappy Indigo Girls covers for me and 25 other freshman girls. They pretty much sucked. I distinctly remember that one of them had cut the crotch out of his jeans and sewed a red bandana it its place.

They are a huge inspiration to me, however, as I study guiter.

If they can do it, anyone, and I mean ANYONE, can do it.

As a genre, the sad, dark, unrequited love song works for me. Right on, Bad Hat my fellow Jeff Buckley fan! But Vertical Horizon and their ilk, with their upbeat catchy corporate rock, by definition is not dark, or interesting. In fact, the only band less interesting that I can think of is Hootie and the Blowfish, who I’m sure VH lists among their influences.

Hootie and the Blowfish - man, I wish I’d thought of them during Ultimate Rochambo Fighting Arena.

I should really know better than to get into pointless Pit discussions about who likes what music (although don’t you be messing with Ukelele Ike or Bob Dylan!) but hey, the subject line of this thread rocks.

7

I can’t believe I’m doing this, because I hate hate hate hate hate most of this music, but as a musician and a fan of the power-pop genre, I have to stick up for one of those bands. That Nine Days song has an absolutely terrific hook, and tosses in something you simply don’t hear enough in pop music today–a genuine, honest-to-goodness organ solo before the guitar solo. I haven’t heard any of their other songs, and they probably suck the root in general as much as I suspect they do, but that song makes them worthy of future fondly-remembered one-hit-wonder status.

Hootie had one good hook, too: Hannah Jane. The rest of their stuff was completely generic. But they established credibility among pop fans by covering two songs by little-known 80s Austin faves The Reivers, Araby and Almost Home.

8

Has anyone else noticed that the title of this thread would make a great reggae song? :smiley:

9

I thought the thread title implied that most radio is shit.

I feel like an old fogey, but all this music sounds the same to me, and it’s all full of this teenage angst. Is being a teenager that much more horrible than it’s ever been?

Even songs that could be OK turn to shit when they are played every 14 minutes and touted as the “latest” even months after being released and played to death. It just can’t be much fun to be a DJ at one of those stations–it would drive me nuts to hear songs that often and still have to dredge up the enthusiasm to say good things about them.

10

Added to the list: “Hit or Miss” by New Found Glory.

YAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

11

Maybe this is just because I’m an avid fan, but…
Third Eye Blind, I agree, isn’t the greatest band in the world. But I have to disagree with classifying Better Than Ezra as post-grunge. There’s only one album of theirs that even somewhat resembles it. The rest of their stuff is folk-country-zydeco based, with some techno and soul thrown in for good measure. Unfortunately, the few songs that actually get radioplay are their weaker ones.

Anyhow, I know how you feel about the crap. That Lenny Kravitz song really gets on my nerves.

12

Well, I’m glad I didn’t ever go to see them, then. Their latest heavy-rotation hit, at least for me, would fall under the category of “nice sound, lousy-ass lyrics”.

13

Maybe, but I think it’s more James Bond. I reckon it’d make a great secret agent password.

You can just picture the scene in an airport somewhere in Europe… a trenchcoated figure looks nervously around, fidgets with his watch, looks about again, then spots the man in the polo-neck with the briefcase…

“Psssst… The geese fly high over Moscow.”

“The flies are humping my radio.”
:smiley:

14

I’ve got two tickets to Iron Maiden baby
Come with me Friday don’t say maybe
Cuz I’m just a teenage dirt bag baby

It takes me right back to high school I kind of like it.