The Friends ending you WISH they had made

Cafe Society
1

I caught part of the ending tonight and was blown away by the same story plots they’ve been using for years. I hardly ever watched the show to begin with (the wife did) but I’ve hardly seen any episode for years. Tonight I saw the exact same script line and joked used in the first season of this show.

So, let’s make the ending to this overrun show better.

Here’s how I would have liked to see it end (feel free to jump in with your plot and story ideas)
Dopey, whining Ross, tormented by his undying love for Rachel finally snaps. At their local not- so-hip coffee shop hangout he tries one last time to proclaim his love to her, but she rejects him. In a fit of terror he beats her bloody with an oversized porcelain Cappuccino mug then runs screaming into the night. Joey walks in and says something stupid.

Rachael recovers from her injury with a horribly disfigured face -which now scares small children. She becomes a terrible shut-in refusing to leave the house. Many laughs abound as she attempts to walk through her front door mumbling “baby steps through the doorway” just as Joey comes in and says something stupid. Her psychiatrist keeps pushing Rachael to return to the scene of the incident. After several nights of trying, she manages to force her way out the door and down the street to the not-so-hip coffee shop.

Low and behold it happens to be the very same night Monica is closing the deal on buying the not-so-hip coffee shop. We learn Monica sold her recipe for “Anal Retentive I’m A Skinny Bitch Sugar Free No Fat Kibble Treat Cookies” (patent pending) to Little Debbie Inc for quite a few large. She decided to reinvest in the failing not-so-hip coffee shop.

Rachael, in her new necrotic ways, almost blows the deal for Monica. Monica is about to sign the papers, Rachael locks herself in the bathroom. Monica is about to sign the papers, Rachael has a nervous breakdown under the espresso machine. Monica is about to sign the papers, Rachael wets herself. Joey runs in and says something stupid. Oh the comedy.

Finally, Monica closes the deal right as Ross (who has been missing for 6 weeks) breaks in waving a large handgun. Looking haggard, unshaven and smelling of vomit, he whines at the top of his lungs “But Rachael, I love you Rachael. I don’t care if your face looks like a carved ham. I love you and that’s all that matters. Rachael, Rachael, Rachael!” Joey says something stupid and Ross calmly shoots him in the eye. Comedic gold erupts as frightened not-so-hip coffee shop patrons attempt to flee Ross’ murderous rage.

Ouch, my side hurts from laughing. This is the best episode yet!

Rachael screams and says “How can I live my life with you now? You’re going to go to jail forever dopey man. Which is too bad because I realized I DID love you (at least for the next few weeks)”

Ross pops. He puts a bullet in Rachaels disfigured face before turning the gun on himself. Phoebe says something about getting blood and gray matter in her hair “yucky”. Chandler, picks up the gun just as the cops arrive. Phoebe and Monica try to convince the police he is innocent, but Chandler is hauled off to jail and tried for the murder of Ross and Rachael (which the prosecution described as a tattered love triangle filled of sin, latex and gerbils). Chandler gets life and becomes the bitch of a large bald tattooed man named Dwight.

The not-so-hip coffee shop becomes very hip as it is now the location of a triple murder resulting from a tattered love triangle filled of sin, latex and gerbils. Monica sells the now-very-hip coffee shop for 300 times what she paid for it. She buys an uninhabited island in the south pacific and starts packing. Phoebe comes in and says something stupid but to the audiences surprise, Monica doesn’t laugh. Instead she grabs Phoebe and crams her tongue down her throat. Monica professes her love to Phoebe and Phoebe admits her love to Monica as well as saying something stupid. Together they board the boat and sail off to their island.

Within months they both die of dysentery. Oh the laughs.

2

Hey, how about the “Friends” series you wished they hadn’t bothered to make? Sorry, but someone had to say it. What a bunch of weenies. I guess it’s true that birdbrains of a feather flock together. Let’s just call the show what it really is…a worn-out soap that thinks it’s funny. It was a legend in its own mind.

The real question: How did they ever find the wisdom to finally put us out of their misery? - Jinx

3

Ross should have simply got a ticket to Paris and goes with Rachel there.
Of course the plane blows up over the Atlantic but at least we would be free of forever speculation if they are still together.

4

I like Jon Stewart’s comment (on The Daily Show afterwards): “Who knew that Ross was a cannibal? I wasn’t expecting that scene of him gnawing on the other friends’ bones!”

Now that’s a twist.

5

Six volcanoes and slo-mo photography.

6

I think it would have been good if they started arguing and insulting eachother:

“Rachel, just who did you sleep with to get a job with Ralph Lauren? You have absolutely no education or experience and they hired YOU?”

“Phoebe, you are one weird chick and not as chic as the rest of us. Why don’t you just leave?”

“Ross, do you ever think about or visit your kids? You low life.”

“Rachel, do you ever spend time with Ema? Cause like, she never seems to be around.”

“Joey! Your an idiot any you don’t even know it. And if you bug your eyes out one more time i’m going to pluck them out with a fork!”

“Monica, you used to be fat, remember? And we laugh and make fun of you for having been fat. It’s good your not fat anymore otherwise you probably wouldn’t be our friend.”

7

A four hour two-part finale featuring guest appearances from the cast of Law and Order about the culmination of a three-year undercover sting to bust up the six of them, who are actually a covert al Qaeda sleeper cell plotting smallpox attacks on lower Manhattan.

It ends with a shot of the six of them, muezzin’s call in the background, facing east and kneeling in prayer, dressed in red overalls, from their new homes in Gitmo.

8

Let’s see . . . I’ll use Friends’ whimsical (read: stupid) style of titles, too.

“The One Where Monica Finally Snaps”

Joey puts a cup on Monica’s coffee table with no coaster for the last time! She grabs a chef’s knife (first sharpening it quickly with a whetstone) and dispatches each of them, one by one. In the triumphant final scene, she stands over Ross, dripping with the others’ blood. “But Monica, you’re my sister!” “I WILL HAVE A CLEAN HOUSE NO MATTER HOW MUCH BLOOD IS SPILLED!”

“The One Where Joey Joins a Cult and Sacrifices His Friends to Appease His Dark God”

“The One Where They Get Ebola”

. . .

9

No, the real question is whether you’re an immature punk or just stupid.

Many people like Friends. Some of those people are Dopers. Many of those people are much smarter than you are. You have every right not to like it. Fine. Your loss. That doesn’t make you better than those of us who have gotten great enjoyment out of it.
So go find some toddlers to beat up or something, you pathetic worthless tool.
(Or should I NFTT?)

10

To which I would add: “Could he BE any more hosed?”

11

Yeah, I think we’re all agreed on this point. It would’ve been much better if they’d had a series that consisted of a bunch of single people who go on the internet and criticize and tear stuff down for not being “edgy” enough. Each episode would show one of the gang coming up with some new way of describing how something popular sucks because it’s popular. In the finale, they all die friendless and alone.

Yeah, I’d watch that!

12

Funny you should mention “overrun.” That’s exactly the ending I had in mind.

Preferably with a steamroller.

13

The 6 friends encounter a mysterious glowing light while talking in Central Perk. They are drawn to walk into it. Suddenly, they awaken in a futuristic laboratory in 2073 .
It is revealed that the 6 friends had signed up as research subjects in a virtual reality experiment. The experiment involved linking the Friends’ minds to a computer, which generated the virtual New York that the show took place in. The various supporting characters were research scientists, who regularly linked into into the virtual world to investigate the long term effects on the friends of being in the virtual world.
After 10 years, the researchers were satisfied that there were no adverse affects to being in a virtual world, so they ended the experiment. The subjects were taken out, given information on what had changed in the real world during their time in the virtual reality experiment, and paid several billion dollars for their work. They then returned to their normal lives.
Meanwhile, the scientists published a report in the cyberjournal Biotechnology and Neurotechnology entitled The Long-Term Effects on Human Subjects of Being Linked Via Gobbelssman-Rajaki Neural Interfaces to a Virtual Earthlike Environment. The final scene shows a newspaper spinning onto the screen with the headline proclaming “Big Breakthrough in Virtual Reality”.
This would be the mother of all twist endings.

14

A two network crossover with the CSI team mulling over the remains of the six.

15

I had an idea for the whole last season. Every other week the audience would vote off one character (Janice would probably be the first to go, but then again it might be Ross); the next week that character would meet a bizarre death. In the final episode the one remaining character (Gunther?) would bit the dust.
Tidy.

16

Except for one thing. TDS aired after Friends, but it was taped earlier in the day. That’s what really made his comment funny (plus his delivery).

17

Which, in 2073, is just about enough money to buy you a new hat.

18

I would have liked it, just to fuck with our minds, if in the last episode, they said good bye to all 7 friends. Just introduce some new dude who they had never mentioned at all but act like he had been there all 10 years; maybe in the end the new Friend could get Rachel and Ross could find a new girl. Just to bitterly disappoint and confuse the fans.

If I were making sitcoms, that’s what I’d do.

19

edwino: The new dude could be Richie Cunningham’s older brother.

20

In American dollars, yes.

But the virtual reality guinea pigs will be paid in Belisian dollars, Belize having come to be a major world power and conquering most of the North American continant. Belize’s strong economy will lead several billion of their dollars to be worth as much as a new car today. This also explains why the above-mentioned episode is entirely in Belesian Spanish.