Who traditionally speaks?
I was only at one, about 15 years ago…I dont remember much.
What is the order of events at a funeral?
Oh wow, I’m so sorry you’re having to go through anything like this to prompt the question. I’ve had to go through a few funerals with close relatives and again, it can depend on what the family wants.
Father died on a Monday and the next day they had a ‘viewing’ in the funeral home. No one spoke there. It was just time for the family to meet with others and begin ‘adjusting’ to life. The funeral was on a Wednesday, and it was in a church where the family had gone for many years, so the minister officiated and spoke.We then drove to the cemetery and there was a short service at the gravesite.
But at my grandfather’s funeral, he didn’t want any church service, and it was conducted by the funeral director, who had been handed a notecard of things about my grandfather. No one else said anything.We drove out to the cemetery and the funeral director still was the one who spoke again.
Nothing is written in stone about this though, it can be as close as the family wants, so that family members get up and speak, or they may want a close friend to do it instead. The funeral is about those who are left, to say goodbye, and to know and feel the comfort of those around them. I couldn’t tell you who sent flowers, but I STILL remember who was there.
I’m sorry kellibelli, I hope everything goes well for you…
Judy
kelli,
I saw your post in the Pit - my sympathies for you in the days ahead of you.
As for the funeral, it really depends a lot on where you go for it. If you go to some churches, their order of service are usually set out in advance, although depending on the priest/minster/etc. you can customise it. If you go to a funeral home, you can pretty much design your own.
At my father-in-law’s funeral last fall, his brother read the intercessions, and his brother-in-law read the epistle; the priest gave the eulogy.
Alternatively, a close friend or family member may give the eulogy. I just came back from funeral tonight, as it happens, where the three children together gave the eulogy. I don’t think they planned it that way - the son found he couldn’t continue about half way through, so daughter number 1 came up and read part of it, and when she had trouble, daughter number 2 came up and finished it.
I was also at a funeral a few years ago where one of the sons had written the eulogy, but the minister read it because the family members all knew they wouldn’t be able to get through it.
Really, just ask yourself two questions: who do you think the departed would want to speak at the funeral? And, do you think that person will be able to do it? Sometimes it makes sense to have someone a bit more distant from the family do it, and leave the family members to grieve - the most important part of the funeral, at least for me.
hope this helps - best wishes.
Only to amplify what jti said.
What did your Mom want? What would she have preferred?
My Mom wanted a simple memorial service in the Church she had attended for the last 50 years.
A quiet conversation with the priest got her what she wanted.
I have conducted and spoken at a few funerals in the not too distant past. What happens is largely under your control, if you wish. You can also turn everything over to someone else (the funeral director, your clergyman, etc.) if you’d rather.
I’m a religious person (I was serving as a bishop in the Mormon church, which is why I was conducting funerals) and the best funerals I attended had two messages: One was more religious, a message of hope and faith, the other was more personal, a celebration of the life of the person who had died.
If that’s what you want, typically the minister delivers the religious message and a family member or close friend delivers the eulogy.
My neighbor passed away last year and they had a time for people in the congregation to stand and recount an experience with him or to tell what he had meant in their lives. That was very nice.
It’s nice to have a favorite hymn also. Music is very soothing. If someone is gifted and wouldn’t mind performing it adds a lot. My experience is that people are very ready to reach out and help.
Let me add that I can’t remember an occasion when I didn’t feel better after the service. I realize others may feel differently but I’m always saddened when I read in the paper that someone requested that there be no services. That final gathering means a lot to those that are left, I think.
Best wishes in this difficult time, Kelli.
Thanks. Mom has picked out her music etc and has wrote down her wishes, including thefuneral home etc. I thought I would speak…but I cant. My brother offered to do it do I wouldnt have to (I am the oldest).
I will write down an anecdote or two. Its hard to find any that dont make my dad, her ex husband, look like a total bastard though.
Is there an order to the whole thing, like a wedding? Does everyone just file in, sit and someone talks, then they go home?
They dont file past the casket if there was a wake right?
I feel like sneaking into one to see how it works…every question I get answered puts me closer to ‘ok’.I was obsessed with the funeral till I spoke to mom, and she told me she had this all written down.
I also read the last pages of novels.
Just do what everyone else does and you’ll be fine. I attended my first funeral 6 months ago after my grandfather passed away. It was only the 2nd or 3rd time I’d ever set foot inside a church in my entire life. I pretended to sing along with the little religious songs and whatnot and advised my little sister to do the same. I managed not to make an ass of myself (even though I’m usually quite good at that) and I’m sure you can do the same.
I am the user formerly known as puffington.
kelli-
It’s been my experience that funerals vary fairly widely based on the wishes of the family and the religious or other traditions of the deceased.
You say that your mother has expressed her wishes as to funeral home. Does she have a clergy member that she wishes to preside. If so, I would talk to the clergy member about the arrangements. They usually have a great deal of experience in these situations.
I would also recommend speaking with the chaplain at the hospital where she is. One of my good friends is a hospital chaplain, and a large part of her job is to assist families from a range of traditions in trying times like these.
As to who will speak, it varies. I’ve seen friends, family members, clergy, and combinations of these speak at funerals. I would suggest that you not worry about who traditionally speaks, but rather about who would remember your mother best.
Best wishes to you and your family in these difficult times.
–Bill
After just lost my brother last month, I offer my understanding and condolences.
At his funeral, I as the oldest sibling, spoke first, followed by my brothers and sister, and then anyone else who wanted to come up.
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.