I’ve ranted about his abusive behaviour, and his scientology. It has been well established here in the pit, that my SO’s ex-husband is a blight on humanity’s collective subconscious. I figured that I had said all that needs to be said. Perhaps that I am trying to be an optimist, or at least hopeful for humanity, but I didn’t think the shitbag could sink any lower. Boy was I fucking wrong. So, turd burglar is going to court to handle his whole spousal abuse charge, and while there tells the judge that my SO and I abandoned her kids with him, and that he has sole custody of the kids. I have given over, quite literally, every penny I have made since my SO and I got together because the economy sucks, kids are expensive, and its the right thing to do if she and I are going to have a happy, healthy life together. She is one of those ‘kids come first’ type parents. You know, the kind that takes care of the kids first, and then, if there is any money left in the budget she and I might blow a little bit on ourselves…maybe. Understandably I am more than just a little bit pissed off about this worthless piece of shit A) denying that my SO and I have done anything for the kids since he got out of jail B) telling a court of law that my SO and I abandoned the kids, and C) using his children who he claims to love and care about as little tools to get his ass off the hook for beating the shit out of their mother. Now the fun part is that the DA’s office has offered him the same plea bargain numerous times: plead guilty and we knock it down to a misdemeanor, you do two years on supervised probation and you’re free to go. Shit bag thinks he can get out of this scott-free by using his kids. Well, with the possibility of a perjury charge now hanging over him, those plea bargains might not be so generous. Fuck, this guy has me so pissed that I am barely coherent. How the fuck do you call yourself a man, and say that you care about your kids, when you are just trying to use them to get out of trouble? I hope he gets jail time (a very easy thing when you are on probation in Texas,) and that he has a miserable time there. I hope that misery involves him mouthing off to the wrong dude, and pain ensuing. I wish the court would find him guilty, and then give him to me so I can get creative on him with power tools, duct tape, pliers, blow torches, very small rocks, 3 white mice, 12 miles of twine in 6 inch lengths, a feather duster, two jars of nutella and some mentos.
I was on board with you on most of your rant.
But you want to take it to the guy with Mentos?
You sick bastahd!
the guys choked out my SO in front of her kids. Mentos is the least disturbing thing I could think of. I had another plan that involved the creative use of panko breading, HP sauce, guinea pigs, rolos, vegemite, marmite, a radial arm saw, two peacock feathers, a skeet trap, and jolt cola. Now THAT was a sick bastard plan.
What did the poor little white mice ever do to you? Gonna give the poor little things a complex 
nah, the white mice are just to mess with his head.
He knows some hardcore, Mentos-hittin brothers.
Can we introduce your SO’s ex to my former sister-in-law? It’d be torture for him and he can choke her out to his hearts content. Win-win!
My husband’s ex woke up one day to find her front door open and blood everywhere, including on the knife which was in her hands. In court she explained that there had been an intruder and that the intruder had killed my husband and she had been defending herself. No body was found.
My husband has lived here over 10 years. He had to write a letter to the court explaining that he was still alive and wasn’t even in the state when the incident occurred.
I’d let her join the fray but I suspect she is in a padded room somewhere. She needed meds and refused to take them. But before then she used to call us all the time wanting her alimony, threatening to sue us, etc. He was paying the alimony, and had given up all rights to the house they’d owned together, without even getting his share of equity out of it. Of course she almost instantly lost it due to not having a job.
She saw demons too but we’ll not go there. Jehovah’s Witnesses, man, what can you do when your kid tells you she sees demons and due to your religion you believe her?
Mentos: the Fleshmaimer!
Y’all are so into baroque excruciations that evoke more theater than agony!
Scrotum + Nutmeg Grater = Express Route to True Penitence.
Not very funny
fucking hilarious - the intern was probably wondering what had me snorting and giggling!
Probably goes without saying: Get a really REALLY good matrimonial lawyer. Preferably a mean-spirited SOB. Guys in this psycho’s place will say (and even believe) anything.
You’re right. Eternity in the company of Beelzebub, and all his hellish instruments of death, will be a picnic compared to five minutes with me and this pencil.
Well, you could always torture him like you do us with overly long paragraphs! 
Seriously though, the ex sounds like a douche of the highest order. I’m sure you already know this but try not to talk shit about him in front of the kiddos. As tempting as that may be.
Hang on…who are the kids living with?
the kids are living with my SO and I.
funny, my SO’s ex was a Jehovah’s Witness. Now he’s a Scientologist.
Gateway religions, man. What can ya do?
well, you could make them illegal, like we’ve done with pot.