I’ve seen some people around me go through things like this. Not just the Golden Child syndrome, but also the Child Who Gets Shit On and some other weird relationships.
At the end of the day, the bottom line is that people are assholes. For example, my wife went through a painful process with her (somewhat abusive) father. Every week he would be an asshole to her, and every week she would come crying to me about how horrible he was. I started to lose patience with her, because she refused to change her behavior and kept going back for more abuse. It wasn’t her fault that he was mean to her, but it WAS her fault for letting him do it over and over.
Eventually she decided to take my advice. She told him that she had no interest and wasn’t going to listen to his crap, and she hung up on him every time he moved the conversation in that direction. After about a year of silence he got the point, but she still has to repeat the process every now and then. It made her happier, because she finally decided that she had enough self-respect to stand up for herself and control the situation. It made ME happier because I didn’t have to watch her go through the same self-destructive cycle every week. And in the end, the father did stop taking her for granted, and now they have a somewhat pleasant relationship.
My advice regarding your mother is to very clearly tell her to STFU. As long as she is willing to respect you as an adult you can have a cordial conversation, but every time she mentions your brother’s opinions just hang up the phone. If she doesn’t get the message, she doesn’t get to talk to you.
At the end of the day, the problem is that she doesn’t respect you. As above, you cannot change her or her opinions, but you can control whether you participate in it.
Top celt, 35 years? I agree that its important to remember my mom has an irrational view of golden child. For reasons not known for sure (although I could speculate) my mom sees him and his abilities in an inrealistic grandiose way. He is not only a lawyer but in her mind, he knows just about anything about everything…cars, sports, history, medicine, psychology, and any other miscellaneous topic. Dont bother her with the truth, that he is not a doctor, nor does he know everything. She frequently comments “ask your brother, he will know” if there is abything she has a question on or needs help witlh, he is the one to go to. If he tells her the sky is purple, the next thing is she would start telling people that she found out the sky is purple. Do not bother or annoy her with the facts. If I attempt to point out something, it does.t mean much unless she confirms it with him to be true.
Solosam, thanks for the good advice, I am in some regards treated by my mom the way your wife was treated by her dad. one dynamic is she will not always admit that she is merely repeating what my brother said, but sometimes its obvious bc she will make a comment almost verbatim to what my brother said. I will sometimes call her on it and point out that it sounds like she is repeating word for word what he said to me the day before. But she wont always admit this, and will insist it was something she thought of on her own. A couple times I knew she was parriting his beliefs bc he told me he talked to her about it, and she didnt know he told me. When I pointed out that he told me he had told her, she shuts down the conversation by refusing to talk. In short, its obvious that she is oftentimes merely regurgitating back what he told her. She doesnt seem to have any insight to the fact of how she absorbs and accepts anything he says as a fact. She doesnt think it through on her own to evaluate the merit of what he says, nor does she ever consider the posibility he could be mistaken. If he says it, it must be true.
I don’t see the point of calling her on it. It makes precious little difference.
My father-in-law’s thing is he’ll try to find a proxy to use for his ideas. For instance, he will say something that is completely hateful and obnoxious, and when she is offended he will say it is something he heard on a radio… or TV… or whatever. As in, “don’t blame me, someone else said it…” Regardless, it fulfills his desire to push her buttons. Calling him on it did no good.
Ive.been in medical treatment for it for 25 years. Over the years I have had a few different doctors obviously, and in all that time no doctor has diagnosed me with y. When I pointed out to my mom that none of these doctors with all their exoerience agree with golden child, she says they are not good doctors. Granted, not all doctors are good, but none of them? She always says how great ucla docs are, I reminded her I was under the care of a ucla doctor for five years and she never agreed with brother but at a loss for words my mom just suddenly shut down the conversation saying she didnt want to talk. Someone above pointed out that a diagnosis can only be made by a doctor, and that doctor has to meet with you and evaluate you, and they are required to keep it private. Its not so mich the fact it bothers me what he thinks I have, its the arrogance of feeling he can make a med diagnosis and the frustration that my mom thinks he is somehow mors qualified than doctors who have treated me over the years.
Solosam, that kind of disingenuity like hiding behind a proxy is such a manipulative tactic. Im thankful my dad was opposite of them and never pulled that type of shit. He was a very honest straight dealing type of man. I dont think he even knew how to be manipulative. My mom and brother do everything behind the bushes, by proxy type of stuff
Quench, you mean if one doctor felt I do have y, versus
all the other doctors and hospitals that do not? Since its been 25 yrs of doctors and three seperate hospitals that did not find y, im wondering what would outweigh all that? Then maybe I could answer your question if you can be more specific?
Tollhouse, why don’t you just shut down your mother the way she shuts you down. Say, “I’m tired of discussing my health; let’s change the topic.” and then do so.
I was the child who gets shit on (only daughter) and my brothers eventually recognized it. I learned that the best defense is to change the subject or declare a subject verboten. If Mom would continue on the same topic after I said “stop” I would say “I need to get going, I’ve got lots of productive things to do with my time.” She figured out real fast that if she wanted my company, she would stay off of such topics. Things got better with her after that.
Mom passed away a few months ago (cancer). Despite the crap I took from her, I still miss her every day. She had some excellent qualities too. Don’t overlook those in your mom. But stand up for yourself.
Yes, and the really onerous thing is golden child and mom dont just think it…they interject it into a conversation and state it in a presumptive way. For ex the other day me and my mom were at a store, she happened to see a book on y, and this is what she said “oh look, theres a book on y, thats what we think you have but youll never admit it”…? I replied “you want me to admit I have something the doctors say I dont have?” Her answer “well, I never thought they were good doctors anyways” my reply " you dont approve of any of the doctors ive seen in 25 yrs?" Mom " nevermind, " (her standard when she is confronted with truth)…ime “it sounds lije your merely repeating what brother said”…mom “no! I think it my own” when I asked her what symptoms does she see, she waved her hand and said “now isnt a good time to talk about it” (because she doesnt know the symptoms, she is just parroting what he said. This is her way of comunicating, duck and weave. When presented w truth she says its not a good time to talk
Your mom will never change. You can’t change her, you can’t change your brother. The only one you can change is yourself.
Your mom is irrational about your brother, and she always will be. You can accept that, and ignore her irrational beliefs with a shrug and say, “well, that’s mom again.” Stop thinking of your mom as your mom, think of her as some crazy old lady with a broken brain, a flawed human being like everyone else. You’re not a child anymore, you’re not dependent on this crazy old lady, so tolerate her craziness and don’t take it personally, since it is all about her, not you.
If you can’t do that you can drastically limit the amount of involvement you have with your mother. See her on Mother’s day and Christmas, and call her on her birthday.
Or you can take a middle way. See her when you want, but the second she starts in with the irrational bullshit, tell her, “Oh, I gotta go, I forgot to water the plants at home. Bye!”
People are assholes. Sometimes someone’s mom is an asshole. You can’t fix them. So decide whether the good you get from your relationship with your mom outweighs the obnoxiousness, or whether the obnoxiousness outweighs the good. And either way, pour the love and care that you never got from your mother into your relationship with your kids and husband. You can’t fix the mother-daughter relationship you have with your mother, but you can fix the one you’re going to have with your children.
that may be much the reality of that, however it is alot easier said than done…bc of the fact I have a chronic health condition, they will sometimes drop comments of their own ‘medical opinion’ to me as per above. If I try to change the subject they naturally use that against me, to say that I am ‘difficult’ and “don’t listen” (to them) rather than considering the possibility it is them who are being difficult for trying to play doctor and force their opinions down peoples throats
they dont graciously accept the fact I already have a doctor who provides my medical care. I would like to maintain some type of relationship with them, but it seems like unless they are willing to humble themselves just a tad and lay aside their medical expertise :dubious: then I face a future of having to politiely shut them down and this in turn leads to them becomoing angry at me
Their anger, like thier medical theories, are THEIR problem.
Do NOT let others make their problems your problems.
Walk away if needed. maintain minimal contact - down the road, you will find a tolerable relationship or no relationship. Either of those is preferable to the one you now have.
Tollhouse, this is about protecting yourself from their attitudes and nastyness. Their attitudes are their problems. NOT your problem. Your problem is how you choose to respond to their attitudes. You may choose to put up with their crap for the rest of your life. But perhaps if you take control of the situation, and shut them down, they will quit bugging you. Or they will quit talking to you, which is a different path to the same goal. Shut them down.
My vote remains the same. You may choose not to take my advice.
You see, it’s about YOU. Not me, not your unrealistic family members. Do what works for YOU.
You need to stop wallowing in the unfairness of being the shitkid. There’s nothing you can do to change your parents’ perception of you. All you can do is protect your own sanity and remove yourself when a situation gets unpleasant.
I am the shitkid in my family, but thankfully my sister started realizing it when she was about 25 (2 years ago, when I was 26). It doesn’t matter why I am the shitkid anymore than it matters why you are. Stop focusing on that, or you will never move past it. You don’t have to forgive your parents, but you shouldn’t spend your life whining about how it’s not FAAAAAIR!
Anyway, as a result of shitty parenting, I’ve chosen to cease all interaction with my father, and I see my mom once every 2-3 months (and talk to her maybe once every 3 weeks). The worst thing you can do is continue interacting with your mother like nothing has changed. The best thing you can do is take your own destiny into your hands, and refuse to be treated like shit anymore. It’s not necessarily easy, and therapy helps. But it’s what you need to do to move on.
Did it ever occur to you GB that you were the one manipulated by your parents?
That’s the problem with you GB you are blind to what is really happening, thinking that YOU chose to have a good relationship with your parents. News Flash: Your parents chose it.
And that you think you were better at the game?! Please. You sound so full of it.
I’m sure life will throw you a few humble pies to eat, so that you can develop a bit of empathy, compassion and less arrogance towards others.
Denial and taking credit where it’s not due. Typical.
About as long as it took mine to realize I might not be as complete shit as she thought; it took several years more for her to see that I might actually have some positive qualities.
She still denies that my youngest brother is the apple of her eyes. Her bias has negative consequences for all three of us: us two eldests were never good enough, but she doesn’t view the youngest as the person he is, she views him as the person she insists on imagining despite evidence to the contrary. Whenever she gets angry with him, she exclaims “oh, how much like his father he is!” - the things that make her angry are the ones in which he is like her.
All three of us have had to learn to set boundaries and stick to them.
My older cousin was his parents’ Golden Child (thankfully not so with the rest of the family). Again, no matter what his brothers did or do, they will never be good enough. He started college three times if I’m not miscounting and never finished it, but that’s ok. Two of his brothers have college degrees, but apparently they’re worthless. The same two have won international contests, one in a field which for him was a hobby, the other one professionally: again, worthless to their parents. One of them has several daughters, another one an adopted son - who cares. And now that Cousin #1 is dead, any conversation with the parents inevitably leads to “oh, you don’t know what it’s like to bury your child!” (extra props for telling that to my aunt who’s buried two), the uncles are pretty much estranged from the rest of the family.