Wasn’t this the person whose email your wife discovered, which lead to the breakup of your marriage years after the fact? If I have you mixed up with someone else, I apologize. If it is the case, I really can’t see recommending it as a course of action.
My best friend was in an affair with a married man for ten years of her life, believing he would leave. It destroyed our friendship and in the end he went back to his wife. Normally I don’t say that any relationship is “wasting time” but these are. She gave him all of her twenties and now she is in her thirties and bitter and unhappy and lonely, but she missed a lot of chances to meet a sweet man that is all hers, and she’s been hurt so badly I don’t think she will ever recover 100%.
During this entire time she listened to no one, which is how our friendship broke off - she just couldn’t deal with me not being wholeheartedly behind her. She withdrew from all of her friendships and had to make all new ones.
And I don’t believe you will listen to anyone, either. He’s just not worth it.
Almost identical situation I had with someone who was at one point my closest friend in the world. She had a long-running affair with a married man and while l did my best to withold judgement, l told her that in no way would l ever lie or cover for her to her husband, who l knew well and liked. Over time she drifted apart from all of her friends over this guy, and the relationship eventually ended, with him staying with his wife and kids.
Then she met a very nice man, married him…and promptly started an affair with someone else. Tha marriage ended; we lost touch soon after that. Leopard, spots, not changing. How does that saying go?
Chiroptera- are you saying once a cheater always a cheater?
This was a toxic relationship, and despite what anyone thinks, its difficult to break ties. Its hard to take the first initial step. However, it is easier to leave now than waiting 10 years down the road and missing out on great opportunities.
I can’t be a band-aid on their marriage any longer. I can’t be a crutch for him to maybe dump his problems on, or be the person to talk to for his mind to get off his home problems. He will have to face those issues himself.
I do need to focus on myself and what’ll take to make me happy. Being part of this does not. After taking time and digesting the advice from sound minds, he ultimately can’t meet the needs I have now and will need in the future. It was hard to digest that things between us are long gone. So long as he’s married, I can’t have him as part of my life. Its too much of a setback for me. There is no us being friends as that’ll lead to further issues and drama.
The only steps I need to initiate is not stroking his ego by not having contact. Without this in place, I will keep myself in a viscous cycle without an end.
Who do you keep trying to convince by repeating what everyone has been saying all along?
…and you don’t think I can follow through and taking in the advice given?
Doesn’t matter what I think. It only matters what you’re going to do.
And I am following through with the advice given. Best for everyone in the situation, but most importantly me.
May you have the strength of your new convictions.
Yes – and it’s amazing how the ‘other woman’ is shocked when she finally wins the cad, and then he cheats on her, too. As someone who was cheated on (see above) by a girl who thought she was ‘the one’ for my ex, I have zero sympathy for the other woman when that happens.
“I will keep myself in a viscous cycle without an end” – I know you mean ‘vicious,’ but this is an amazing typo given the subject matter (heh) of the thread.
I know a few women who wanted that married man so badly, and ended up marrying them. They got exactly what they wanted, a man who cheats on his wife.
No sympathy from me at all and I’m not as hard on cheaters as a lot of other people.
I know a man whose wife has Alzheimers and has been in a nursing home for years, He goes to see her everyday, he sits and holds her hand, eats lunch with her, makes sure she is getting the best care. A few nights a week he goes out with his little side chic. The side chic knows what is going on, his wife will never know, their kids are okay with it, nobody is getting hurt, He’s in his late 70s, let him have a little enjoyment.
You have a very interesting view of yourself. Based upon what you have said your role has been, I wouldn’t call it a Band-Aid on their marriage in the slightest way. More like a hack-saw.
I can see how people can be hard on cheaters and the other person involved, and they are entitled to it.
Situations like your friend are more common than people think. Or, their spouse was involved in an accident which resulted in a TBI. What are you supposed to do if your spouse doesn’t remember who you are? Much different than two consenting adults getting into the mess, though…but it does happen.
n/m
[quote=“Tremblay, post:64, topic:695162”]
Chiroptera- are you saying once a cheater always a cheater? [ /quote]
No, but it is often a pattern. I was the “other woman” once but it made me feel guilty and dirty. That was in the 1980s and l have never put myself in that position again.
I wonder if some people intentionally, at least on some level, CHOOSE married or partnered people to have intimate relationships. To get all the great sex and romance, without the day to day mundane crap and occasional unpleasantness and conflict.
I doubt anyone here assumes it will be easy, but so what? Of course it is “easier” now. Not to mention the right and ethical thing to do.
Interesting that you see yourself as some sort of saviour…
Yes to all of that. But are you implying that if he becomes unmarried, suddely he might be able to meet your needs? I wouldn`t count on that…
I do give you props for coming back and responding to some fairly harsh posts.
If they all “kept their mouth shut and struggled”, there wouldn’t be any pedophiles in prison.
I suggest the OP stop posting here for one complete week. Zip. Nada. Then come back and tell us if she has moved forward on her own, or if she will continue trying to convince herself in front of everyone here.
What’s the saying, “if he’ll cheat with you, he’ll cheat on you?”
Exactly.
(And then my cheating ex was stunned – stunned, I say – to find out his girlfriend was cheating on him, and wanted me to take him back. It was just one of those silly things, he said, and hey, to show how much he loved me, he’d even had an STD test as he’d been fucking her bareback.)
And then she will cheat on him.