The great affair love triangle

In My Humble Opinion
81

So you’ve been involved with a person for 2 years, off and on, and you are still living in secret. Let me guess…

You have to avoid certain places, because that’s where his wife, or your family, hangs out. You can’t hold hands in public, or kiss, and when you do, because he cannot contain his passion for you, it’s super exciting because he’s risking everything. For you.

A single night together is a thing to be planned weeks, months in advance, and it’s a night of crazy sex because it was such an ordeal to pull it off.

You routinely bail on your family and friends because your whole life revolves around his schedule, or rather, THEIR schedule.

Your family has not been introduced to him as your boyfriend, of course, and you haven’t ever interacted with his children for any length of time.

You’ve never spent Thanksgiving or Christmas together, or New Year’s Eve, or Valentine’s Day, because those days are reserved for his “real” family. You attend parties and weddings alone because you obviously can’t bring him as your date.

Yeah, in my early 20s, I was where you are, except my lover didn’t have kids. It lasted about 8 or 9 months before I’d had enough of living in an alternate reality. Living in secret was exciting at first, but soon became a drag. Keeping him secret from my family and most of my friends (because they wouldn’t have approved) started weighing on me. Having to go solo to important events, which was an indignity he never had to suffer, was making me feel stupid and foolish.

It was only when I came to realize that even if he did get divorced, it would never work, because I wasn’t prepared to deal with the fallout of our past, that I ended it. My brother and sister, who knew him, would have given him a very frosty reception, to say the least. And my parents? The thought of how disappointed they’d be once they found out that I had gotten involved with a married man…

No, at the end of the day, staying in my family’s good graces was important to me, important enough to end it with him. And though I cared about him, leaving him behind, with all the mess that he’d have brought with him, was amazingly easy.

Good luck to you.

P.S. Within 3 months of leaving him behind, I met my future husband. I was at a party that I’d never have been to had I still been involved with Mr. Dead End.

82

That whole family sounds like trouble. Cheating, implications of the potential for child sexual abuse, looking at a future of fighting with everyone, including angry ex’s, about everything from who-said-what to weekend visitations…

I’d run, run, run away as fast as possible.

If he’s still single in a year, and you are still interested in him in a year, maybe you can look him up then. At least your name won’t be dragged through all the mud in the meantime.

83

Just an update:

I am officially done.

While attempting to keep it less contact and for it to fade, he sent me a text on Friday saying his wife was acting really weird/strange. She has been on his case again and asking if there was another woman, etc.

He gave me her cell phone number just in case she calls me. She’s monitoring his call log. I’m thinking…wtf. Ample opportunity for me to spill the beans. She hasn’t called yet. I don’t think she will.

After he gave me her number, right there was the breaking point. That made it officially too much.

I haven’t heard from him since. We are no contact and I am keeping it that way. I haven’t initiated conversation. Honestly, I have no desire to so long as he’s still married.

Is this hard? Yes and no. This period of sadness will end, and it’ll all pass.

I did make it out with a couple of girlfriends last night for a getaway. It was nice going out and meeting other people. Looking forward to doing more of that.

So thank you to those who offered kind words and insight. I’m running away from this- far and fast.

And PunditLisa–your post hit way too close to home. I couldn’t argue with any point you gave.

84

Good for you.

Time to get on with your life.

I wish you much happiness and success.

85

Good! Now delete his number, block him on Facebook, eliminate any way of contacting him. There will be weak moments…and stop thinking he’ll leave her and then you two can be together, he’s shown you what he will do when things get a little rough in his relationships. Move on and don’t look back.

86

Good job. I can’t imagine it’s easy, but it will be worth it.

87

Good on you. It will be hard backing away from someone you had a connection to, but he has already made it clear where his priorities lie - and not with you. You were the back up option, nothing more.
I hope you are ok with this and hope you find someone truly worth your time and energy, when you are ready.

88

Glad I was able to help. You deserve a relationship with someone who can give you himself 100%. Good luck to you.

89

Sounds like he did the hard part for you. I’ll pat you on the back when you come back and report you’ve deleted all of his avenues of contact.

90

So close… :frowning:

Bolding mine.

91

Good job. Word of advice: delete his number, and forget it if you can. You never know when the mood to call him will strike again. And yeah, this is not a man you want to talk to or date regardless of whether he’s married. If it did ever “work out” it would only be a matter of time before you were the one being cheated on.

92

Let’s step a bit beyond the issue of you being a homewrecker, which you are, but let’s try going a little deeper.

The world is not all about you.

Why the guy is acting a given way towards you is of very little important because YOU are of very little importance to his family. You will become an actual adult when you understand, as true adults do, that to every other human being on earth you are just a supporting character. Your personal concerns here are sensationally irrelevant; the man and his family have problems, and they need to work on them. You can’t help them.

The right and decent thing for you to do is never speak to him again, stop concerning yourself with him, and work on becoming a better person.

93

The text on Friday was to tell me his wife is suspicious and she’ll likely be calling me. She hasn’t yet (I don’t think she will), but from there we both knew its best to part ways. No big blow out or fight between us. No animosity either. I threw in the towel and walked away.

I am stepping away. His family has an abundance of issues to solve on their own. With the recent events, that adds more to the fire. There is a lot going on and that’ll likely play a huge role in any future situation, and it is best to stay away from that. They can sort out this fiasco themselves.

I know it’ll be a rough road. It already is. I’m not going to lie-- I do miss chatting with him, but that’ll pass. I’m keeping myself busy, and soon school will start back up. With classwork, my job, and everyday schedule, I’ll be more than focused.

However, I don’t have any urges/temptations to contact him. When I wrote that post about me being with him only if he’s not married was how I felt at that time. Although its only been a few days, this has been draining and its not worth getting involved.

94

Lucky enough-- I never had his number memorized. I have zero intentions of reaching out to him. I have absolutely no reason to either. I have none of his personal belongings or vis versa. I have no news to report to him, or anything to concern himself with involving my life.

95

Here’s my take: your spouse is supposed to be your best friend and the one person you don’t fuck over in this world. You are supposed to have his/her back no matter what and expect the same. The kind of person who fucks over their best friend is an asshole.

ETA: Thanks for asking.

96

It’s 100% the responsibility of the people in the marriage to honor their vows. HE wrecked his home, not her.

97

That doesn’t make it even remotely ethical to have helped him along. I mean, just because somebody’s going to rob a liquor store with you or without you, that doesn’t absolve you of driving the getaway car.

98

I do take responsibility for my actions. Not once did I put the blame solely on him. It took both of us to configure this mess. Not just me, and not just him. Am I a home wrecker? Sure–call me that. Is he? Just as much as I am. Can’t point fingers at me and not him.

However, I’m walking away from this mess. I’m not going to contact him or whatnot. Like I said-its hard, but it needs to be done.

99

True. But she didn’t wreck his home, or his marriage. Outsiders don’t wield that kind of power.

100

It always takes two to tango; both of you were tangoing. It’s not right of course, but it happens way more than most people realize.
Here:

And here:

Listen, the statistics are all over the map, but the bottom line is that a lot of people have extramarital affairs. Does that make it right? No! Of course not, but it’s a lot more common than you might think: a lot more common.

This isn’t the 1950s and I’m sure typical nuclear families are going to be diminished over the next few decades: birth control, protection from STDs, instant gratification through social media and text messages, the proliferation of available pornography that depicts this as normal behaviour.

I think the paradigm is shifting and will continue to do so.

I’m not condoning anything. Just reporting facts and an added opinion.

An affair (by me) ultimately ended my marriage. But the marriage sucked anyway and no amount of attempted reconciliation would have saved it.

YMMV