<------Jamming Quaker Oats guy kind of flat brim hat on head, curling up in corner in pool of beer and very cheap vodka, rocking compulsively and trying to keep the bodily fluids that are spattering everywhere out of my eyes…
Stabs folks who got mad at him over the “killing” thread in the eye 13 times with a jagged broken shooter glass
HOW DARE YOU PEOPLE CALL ME VIOLENT
Where the fuck’s Pharm Boy? i feel the need to rip someoen’s spine out
See, being a dominatrix is good for something…I carry my own whips and chains.
But, Matt you scare me. I bet you could deliver one hell of a bitch slap.
Now, stop breaking all the full bottles of liquor before someone breaks something other than the cheap stuff!
Don’t make me use this whip!
It is just like you folks to bring your fists & toy weapons to a sword fight. 28" of damascus steel- who wants it?
Umm, kricket- are you in full leather? <drool>
However, i don’t want to fight with anyone i am really angry with- remember my motto= “You don’t FIGHT with pissants, you just step on 'em”. 
Since I might get up the energy to be offended next week from a post, it is better that I get in my slugs in before that. Therefore I :: rolleyes :: at all 12,528 of you low down rotten slinky organic field matter.
Damn, I really need to get some leather! It could be a great distraction obviously.
Okay, I’ll be right back…
Screw all those nice, friendly “Welcome the newbie!” threads. No, this first-time Doper is choosing to start his posting career right here, in the biggest brawl thread in the Pit. But, I am a StraightDope virgin, so be gentle with me…
<waits until everyone is lulled into a false sense of security…>
BANZAIIIIIIIIIIII!!!
… damn, where’s peace when I need him?
<runs, jumps off a bar stool, springboards off the Love Tester in the corner of the bar and nails Ogre with a cross body block. rolls to his feet, sits at the bar and briefly jokes with Upham about the drek Americans laughingly call beer, then ducks a thrown bottle and jumps back into the fray.>
<slides over the hood of racerx’s awesomely cool Shooting Star, and engages in a staredown with Danielinthewolvesden … until being clocked over the head with a chair by Anthracite>
<slowly collapses to the floor, gurgling.>
Just A Girl walks into the bar
Sees everyone is too busy fighting to notice her
Saunters up to bar and casually swipes an unopened bottle of Tequila from behind the counter
Looks around briefly to see if anyone noticed the 17-year-old swiping alcohol
Nope!
runs out, dodging slying bottles
(I haven’t been here long enough to have any enemies so, I’ll be on my way…)
More likely than not, those bottles would be flying instead of slying…
The one time I get lazy and choose not to preview…
Upham, are you planning some sort of Straight Dope Bar Fight?
'Cause that’s been done, ya know. 
:::smashes a bottle over Coldfire’s head:::::
That’s what you get for doing a search!
:::knees him in the groin:::::
and THAT’S for coming in here with out hitting anyone!
(honestly, i didn’t know it’d been done, but what the fuck, you can NEVER have too much mindless bottle smashing)
:inor LEAPS through the door(well, ok, he kinda hops/stumbles), strikes a magnificent pose wherein he has one greased little lock sticking up, yet kinda dangly from his forehead. He folds one arm across his chest, makes a fist with that hand, flexes his legs, thrusts his pelvis forward and hold the other arm behind him at an angle and yells in a thunderous, magnificent, stentorian singing voice- ‘Here Iyam to save the dayyyyyyyyyaughcough hack couOWW OWW OWW OUCH THAT HURT HEY THAT HUR OWW OWW OOO HAY, CMON, KNOCK IT OFF, THAT HURTS OWWWWW! HEY GUYS, I DON’T WANT ANY PROBLEMS WI OWWW! C’MON, HEY, I GOT ASTHMA, OWW OOOCH…’
and so on, fading, as he rolls into the street…
Runs in, jumps on Ogre, and gives him an atomic wedgie(
Fucking pit lurker! You sit there, reading the threads, smirking at how irrelevant we all are. BITE ME.
Removes bra and uses it like a giant rubber band to thwack Upham’s head
That’s for taking Uncle Beer’s side, prick.
Why can’t you beat someone with a fork instead of a rusty spoon…
It would be much more effective… spoons are dumb
Why can’t you beat someone with a fork instead of a rusty spoon…
It would be much more effective… spoons are dumb
Pucette strolls in, crunches on broken glass, and jumps into action. She grabs the nearest person, Ogre, by the hair (hoping he has enough to grab) and starts whapping him.
“Threadkiller!”
While trying to dodge Cranky’s bra, and being a complete klutz, Pucette slips on a beer puddle, and falls on her ass, which now looks like a glass porcupine
Pucette strolls in, crunches on broken glass, and jumps into action. She grabs the nearest person, Ogre, by the hair (hoping he has enough to grab) and starts whapping him.
“Threadkiller!”
While trying to dodge Cranky’s bra flail, and being a complete klutz, Pucette slips on a beer puddle, and falls on her ass, which now looks like a glass porcupine
Pucette strolls in, crunches on broken glass, and jumps into action. She grabs the nearest person, Ogre, by the hair (hoping he has enough to grab) and starts whapping him.
“Threadkiller!”
While trying to dodge Cranky’s bra flail, and because she is a complete klutz, Pucette slips on a beer puddle, and falls on her ass, which now looks like a glass porcupine
I dunno whether it’s worse to get “whapped” three times or to fall down in broken glass three times! 
Klutz? that doesn’t begin to say it. Geesh. Not twice, but thrice?!
Humblest apologies…
extends arms, waiting for a massive onslaught of beer bottles and thwacks