…oh, and Cranky, that wedgie really stings. “Pit Lurker?” If that didn’t have such a cool ring to it, I’d almost consider myself insulted.
:Ogre sits on CrankyAsAnOldMan:
Hey no squirming! The state of my underwear is your own fault! 
Hell, I was gonna sit quietly under this here table and finish my PBR. Then, after half the room has been knocked unconcious and the other half has hightailed it out before the cops show up, I was gonna jerk off in everybody’s faces and piss in their eye.
But hell <taking gym sock out of jacket pocket>, if that ain’t good enough <takes cue ball from pool table, places it in sock>, I’ll just have to get violent <swinging sock quickly over head, caving in the skull of the next unfortunate dope who happens to come in range, then hitting random people in the nuts with it>.
Slinks into bar with hat pulled low over eyes, coat collar up & hands thrust deep in pockets, ala Clint Eastwood in ‘Unforgiven’, hoping no one notices APBT on hind feet, straining on leash so hard his eyes bulge out, whining frantically. Places dog atop bar.
“You stay right there, boy. They did WHAT to Upham?” (Not that I know anybody yet, It kinda fits in the scheme of blowing my sobriety so I can set my dog on someone)
Reaches beneath bar for bottle of Wild Turkey, unscrews cap, Knocks back the rest of it. Squints, turns around & sees 'Tooniverse in corner, says:
“You, hat man, Where can I find Greenspace?”
Cartooniverse mumbles something about “never address or refer to me again on this or any other planet”, Jackass lets dog’s leash loose. Dog leaps from bar onto Cartooniverse, pinning him to floor, Pit bull begins licking Cartooniverse’s face frantically. Cartooniverse adopts a fetal posture as dog attempts to pursue licking him.
“I hear about you people cutting up dogs, I’m coming back. I’ll bring BOTH my dogs. They’ll lick yer hands, yer faces, yer mouths, yer noses, yer eyes.”
:::: Pokes Jack@ass in the eye :::::
Thanks for that amigo, but this is a fight and all
squirms out from under Ogre, then tiptoes over to Pucette and from behind, eases a raw porkcop-on-a-rope over her neck so she doesn’t notice
Counters spoon to eye with a left uppercut & right roundhouse, but being temporarily blinded by an eye full of spoon rust, only connects with the roundhouse. Ducks back behind bar for another bottle of Wild Turkey & start rinsing rust out of my eye with it.
“OOOOWWWWWOWOWOWOWOOOWWW!!! JESUS FUCK, that HURTS!!”
- note to self: If ever stuck in the eye with a rusty spoon, never rinse it out with anything alcoholic *
:comes cartwheeling through doorway:
“Who wants some o’ this!”
:leaps over bar, grabs aerosol can, lights spray with matchbook off bar:
“Fuckin’ amateurs!”
:uses improvised flamethrower to chase pit bull off Cartooniverse:
“Ban this, ya fuckin’ psycho pooch!”
:flame comes close to jack@ss, accidentally lights Wild Turkey with which he is soaked:
“Oh shit!”
::Slaps flame off his coat with his hat::
“Wild Turkey won’t burn. Now, this stuff will.”
Picking up a bottle of Jaegermeister, cocking it back behind his ear & spiralling it straight at Cervaise’s forehead.
"Why the hell can’t everyone leave everyone else the hell alone?
Jimmy Durante
What? You lookin’ at me, you jujitsu mother fucker? Hanh? Sudden lateral arm jut runs interference on asteroid in your head extinction perpetual winter fontanelle hammer blast. Sidles up to bar for that bottle of Glenmorangie, thanks, and wonders how he’s gonna pay for it. That’s right. The Royal we. I’m in charge now.
Walks in
Lobs a grenade
Gets the hell out, with a view to returning with re-enforcements
vanilla crosses the border (under cover of night) just to grab Upham by the pants, pull backward, Throws him over her head somersault style, Drop kicks him into a pack of pit bulls (kidding).
Pulls his hair out (one by one)…
snicker
runs off
Pucette feels a drop (ewww), whips around, grabs the porkchop and runs over to Cervaise, holding it over the flames. <snicker>
Particlewill busts into the room with a High-Powered fire hose in his arms.
Begins blasting the entire bar with very pressurized water, blowing everyone off their feet and into the back walls of the bar, all the while laughing like a maniacal hyena…“Anyone else thirsty? BWAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHA!”
(Pucette, in running over to cook her lunch, inadvertently steps into the trajectory of the bottle of Jagermeister thrown by jack@ss)
(bottle shatters against the back of Pucette’s head)
(spray of Jager hits the flamethrower)
(WHOOOOOM)
(now the ceiling is on fire)
(Um, well, that happened right before particlewill unloaded his hose. So the ceiling is on fire, but none of the people are. Yeah, that’s it.)
Uzi scurries into bar, cackling gleefully. Places large brief case on table, opens it and screams,
"TOP OF THE WORLD, MA!!!",
as he slams his fist down on a large red button.
(Fade out to a view of a bright star newly appearing in the third orbit around a smallish Sun that then slowly dims into a blackened husk.)
Pucette is now lying flat on her back, freshly blasted by bottle and water, and staring at all the pretty flames with glassy eyes.
And still holding on to her pork chop.
I’m gonna cook this sucker yet… as she throws it up at the flaming ceiling, and wondering why it won’t stay up. With a look of grim determination creeping through the glassy bit, she tries again. And again.
“Tsk tsk tsk.”
Ogre looks at Pucette sadly.
“Looks like she’s finally gone round the bend.”
::Gently leads Pucette out of the flaming wreckage::
The porkchop-on-a-string slowly, sadly broils to a delicious glaze in a pool of Jagrmeister.
WHO SPILT MY JAGERMISTER?!?! THERE’S OPIUM IN THAT SHIT MOTHERFUCKER!
:::::Grabs jagged smashed bottle, plunges it inot Jac@asses spleen, cranks it around a little::::
And, for the rest of you bastards kickin at me cause i started this thread, i gots a little surprise for ya
:::Sound of fighter bombers screaming over head, napalm bombs exploding::::
(standing like an evil pheonix) I love the smell of Napalm in the morning… Smells like ME KICKIN’ SOME ASS
:Cervaise suddenly twitches and foams at the mouth:
“Ha! I am Jack Dean Tyler and I have possessed this body! Ha ha ha!”
:unzips fly:
“Now you shall cower before the unbridled majesty of an unaltered organ!”
:whips out penis:
:everyone shrinks back in fear:
“Ha ha ha! Fear me, mortals!”
:everyone leans forward, taking a closer look:
:JDT turns Cervaise’s eyes downward, realizes that his host body is --gasp!-- cut:
“…Oh shit.”
:everyone leaps on Cervaise, pounding him with pool cues:
“Jesus, people! He’s gone! He’s out!”
:everyone stops:
“…But he’s probably looking for an uncircumcised host body… right now!”
:everyone looks at each other, and at all the male combatants’ crotches:
quiet voice from back: “Uh, dude, I ain’t pulling it out…”