I thought some people would find this post interesting.
I know a lot of people like this, and I’ve been one of those people myself. There IS an impulse to reject solutions, even if they are perfectly valid, in favour of being the guy with problems.
I like to think I’m a LOT less like that these days than I used to be. If someone offers a solution to a problem and I like the solution I’ll gladly take it.
In a self-help group I was a member of, we called this “Yes, but…” disease. I’ve figured out that sometimes there isn’t any help for a person like that. Often I just say “Oh, that’s too bad” instead of offering any more solutions.
That game has it’s own wikipedia page.
The first shrink I went to told me about this habit. I didn’t know that I was doing it, and since she told me about it, I’ve worked to avoid doing this. This means that I had to change my thinking. I STILL tend to do this sometimes, but I stop myself, and think about the problem again.
Sometimes, though, there’s nothing to say but “I’ve already tried that solution, and it doesn’t work (or doesn’t work for me).”
This is an easily decipherable behavior from a behaviorist perspective. The help-rejecting complainer is not complaining to seek help, they are complaining to seek attention. If they accept your solution, they have no more rationale for complaining, so they reject solutions in order to continue receiving attention.
‘alms for an ex-leper’ just doesn’t bring in much cash.
My mom’s a very specific subset of this group. She’s a help-rejecting complainer who has a solution in mind, but you’ve got to guess it. She won’t outright ask for help, and she rejects any solutions which aren’t already in her head, so you’ve got to dance around to find out what it is she wants from you and offer it, at which point she’s suddenly delighted. That way, she never feels guilty for asking anyone for anything.
Drives me nuts.
Drives me even more nuts when I find myself doing the exact same thing. :smack:
That’s possible, maybe even the most common explaination by far, but I think there are other possibilities, such as:
They haven’t explained themself properly (or cannot), therefore the offered solutions are not a good fit.
or
It happens to be the case that all of the people offering the solutions are not very good at solving the problem at hand, or have misapprehended it.
One of the things I hate is having a conversation and having someone chip in with advice. If I didn’t specifically ask for your advice, I don’t want it. I think these help-rejecting complainers would be simple complainers if everyone in their life didn’t think they needed to give so much advice! Its ok to be a complainer once in a while. And its ok to hear someone complain without having to “solve” their problem. Sometimes people complain because they want to be heard and to get some sympathy, not because they want a solution from you.
ETA: when they complain, say “that’s too bad, let me know if I can help.” or something otherwise sympathetic. 90% of the time, that’s all they wanted anyway.
I do this sometimes and I try to stop myself but it always boils down to one of two things:
-
I am just looking for a little sympathy right now and am capable of solving it myself.
-
The problem really is difficult and I have already thought of those solutions.
I now stop myself, identiy which of the two it is and if it is 1, tell the other person that. If it is 2, I assess whether the person I am discussing it with is expert enough to help me. If so, I entreat them to continue to work with me. If not, I just quietly drop it.
I call them “Yahbuts.” Pronounced with an Elmer Fudd-type accent.
A woman on another MB I frequent has one of the worst cases I’ve ever seen. She’s a nice gal and we have similar tastes, but in my head I call her Doormat Woman, because she insists on not doing anything about her awful husband and son with serious problems. She just complains and then refuses all suggestions. Then everyone calls her on it, points out how often this has been done, and she deletes the thread. There are signs of improvement though.
A friend refers to this as quoting the works of the great prophet Yahbuddi. "Yeah, but I . . . "