You know the ones – they whine about some aspect of their life and how much it annoys/worries/hurts them, and then reply to absolutely any suggestion on how to fix it with a ‘yes, but’ that shows why poor little them couldn’t possibly do that. They are the victims of circumstances, stuck beyond any human effort of saving themselves, left only with the option to moan and beg for pity.
I’m not talking about a single go round of some new problem. This rant was kicked off by a coworker who complains at least three times a week about how disgustingly messy her house is. Various people have suggested that she do a little cleaning each day “Yes, but I’m tired when I get home”, devote a weekend day to it “yes, but my husband wants me to spend time with him,” get husband to help her “yes, but he doesn’t like to clean,” hire in a housecleaner “Yes, but it costs too much,” on and on and on.
Hey! If you don’t care enough about fixing the problem to exert yourself in any way, SHUT UP ABOUT IT. You used up all the energy I’m willing to devote to ‘poor pitiful you’ feedback loooong ago.
And before we get sidetracked by “men are from mars and women are from Venus” – I’m a female. I don’t mind listening to someone vent about problems now and then. But endlessly griping about the SAME problem? One that you could solve in many ways, but you apparently prefer to wallow in how pitiful your life is rather than fix it? STFU.
“So what you’re saying is you want the good results without having to make the efforts necessary to achieve them?”
“Yes, that’s exactly it! How do I do that?”
“Sorry, it can’t be done. Your situation is hopeless.”
Don’t forget that people just want you to agree and feel bad for them - they are not actually looking for a solution. Their default reaction to any suggestion is to disagree.
I’ve known a couple of people like that. Irritates the hell out of me. I’m a problem-solver by nature, when asked, and that kind of passivity/laziness/rationalization drives me nuts.
That’s right up there with willful ignorance. I’m fine if you don’t know something. I’m not fine with you being unwilling to learn something that you need to know.
Yes, but some people aren’t looking for solutions - all they need is to be able to vent, get a few strokes from their peer group, and they’re able to cope for another day at a time.
I’m more of a “yeah, but, no, but, yeah, but, no, but, yeah but I know because I’m not wasting police time because you know Micha? Well, she saw the whole thing, right, because she was bunking off school because she was gonna go down the wimbley and get off with Luke Griffiths, only she never because he’s been trying to grow a moustache but it just looks like pubes, so she got off with Luke Torbet instead, only don’t tell Bethany that because she’s fancied Luke Torbet ever since she flashed her fanny at him during Home Economics” person myself.
I thought this thread was going to be about lawyers.
As for the OP, I picked up some advice on how to deal with this behavior from a neat little psychology book called Games People Play. From the title you can guess that behavior described in the OP is a social game that people subconsciously play. One person describes a problem and then turns down every single answer to the problem. The person with the problem is satisfied that nothing can be done, and that he doesn’t have to do anything. The person giving the answers is satisfied that he tried to help, even though he didn’t really do anything.
The way to break up the game is to ask the person with the problem “what are you going to do about it?” This ends the game right there because the person playing the game is trying to avoid his problem and this question forces him to confront it.
She may not be aware that she’s doing it. I didn’t know I was doing this, until my first shrink called me on it, and told me it was passive aggression. In my case, at least, this is right.
So call her on it. Tell her you’re tired of “yes, but” answers. If she’s venting, she should say so. And if she’s venting, she shouldn’t expect answers. She possibly shouldn’t expect sympathy or even an audience, depending on how tired you are of her.
I end up being a Yes but … with some people … Im fat have health issues and am a gimp. I would LOVE to be thin [or less corpulent] but realistically, it aint happening. I am following the nutritional plan given to me by my diabetic nutritionist. I am physically unable to do almost every form of exercise other than perhaps to swim. The nearest anywhere i can swim is 30 miles away and as I am not working, I really am NOT going to dump the gasoline to drive down to the sub base just to swim and drive back. If I restrict what I eat, then I will screw up my nutritionists work, which will then screw up my endocrinologists management of my meds [sort of a domino effect sort of thing] If I randomly decide to go for a walk or stand for more than a few minutes at a time with lots of rest breaks, my CPPD flares and I spend 3 days eating colchicine, then another 2 weeks waiting for the mouth sores to go away, and still have to endure about a week of 3 to 4 cm nonpitting edema and intense pain in one or both feet. Ever scream in agony when a cats tail brushes your foot?
I dont care how often you tell me that I just need to watch what I eat and exercise, it aint happening.
When I was a kid, my father used to have a policy; “No ya-buts!”
If I was ever looking to get a new toy, or looking to get out of punishment, my efforts would be TOTTALY lost and my father - grinning - knowing that my cause had been lost because had I mistaking blurted out; “Ya-but…”
Yeah but, we’re not fucking up your whinge, we’re giving you more to whinge about! Practically a public service, we’re doing here. Why don’t you appreciate us???!?!?!!!