Set up a fake archery contest, capture and execute him. His supporters will lose heart and go away. Trust me on this one.
I’ve devoted my life to building a business empire second to none. I’ve risen to the very pinnacle of power and influence, feared and respected by all, but deep down I feel… hollow inside. Although I wouldn’t dare mention this to any of my flunkies, I miss the halcyon days of my youth, and especially the sled on which I had my happiest times as a child. If only I could remember its name! What should I do to find joy again? Need answer fast.
I suggest you buy everything you can get your hands on. If you can dump your first wife for someone pretty but untalented, so much the better. Everyone knows wealth, power and possesions are substitutes for love, and they’ll last long after you’re gone.
My father wants me to get into the family business. But I’m not interested and besides, one brother has already been killed, my dad’s been shot and my other brother has been so broken by everything we had to send him to Las Vegas to recover. Either I join the business or my father has to sell out to his competitors, and they play rough. What should I do.
Go back to Kay get married, and graduate from Dartmouth and get a nice job running a nice legitimate contracting business. Then shoot and kill all the other contractors in the city to solidify your business.
I’ve got this cool mask made of human flesh, a chainsaw, and a bunch of teenagers have just shown up. What should I do? Need answer fast.
Badder than that ole King Kong, and meaner than a junkyard dog.
My supposed “friend” kissed me on the cheek, and then soldiers came and arrested me. The guy in charge didn’t want to, but the crowd wanted some dude named Barabbas freed instead of me, so he ordered his soldiers to get some wood, nails, and now they are approaching me with a crown made of thorns. What should I do? Need answer fast!
Remember the prophecies, dude, then grit your teeth and go along for the ride. A messiah’s gotta do what a messiah’s gotta do.
My uncle left me this cool golden ring which I really like, but now everyone’s all, “Oooh, oooh, you’ve gotta destroy it! It’s evil and terrible and it’ll twist and pervert you!” Sheesh. I’m a pretty strong-willed person, deep down, and this is a really nice ring. I mean, really nice. I could look at it all day. I’m thinking I might keep it after all, but I dunno, everyone tells me I should go ditch it in this volcano that’s 'way the hell and gone from here. What should I do? Need answer fast.
If you can just hang on for three days, you’ll feel better.
I’m in this chariot race and this guy is totally hitting me with a whip! And he’s got these pimped-out rims! I can’t afford that shit! How can I beat him? Need answer fast!
Just throw some coins or something into his rims. You’ll surely win.
I’m an undertaker and I’ve just been hit by a bus, but I’M NOT READY TO DIE. What do I do? Need answer FAST.
Refuse to die! Drag yourself to the ER, if you have to, but live! Live! LIVE!
Since Sigmagirl was probably answering Hamlet:
My uncle left me this cool golden ring which I really like, but now everyone’s all, “Oooh, oooh, you’ve gotta destroy it! It’s evil and terrible and it’ll twist and pervert you!” Sheesh. I’m a pretty strong-willed person, deep down, and this is a really nice ring. I mean, really nice. I could look at it all day. I’m thinking I might keep it after all, but I dunno, everyone tells me I should go ditch it in this volcano that’s 'way the hell and gone from here. What should I do? Need answer fast.
Trade the ring for some magic beans, and look upward. (Hope you aren’t afraid of heights. Or large [del]people[/del] creatures.
Help!
I’ve just woken up in a bathtub. It’s very, very cold. I’m numb all over. In lipstick, on the wall, it’s telling me I should call 911. But thanks to this conveniently-placed laptop, I’m turning to you guys for help.
Check your lower back. If there’s a fresh wound there, chances are you’re missing a kidney. Don’t panic. You can have a perfectly normal life with just one kidney, although you probably should get stictches.
Of course if you have TWO fresh wounds, you’d better call 911.
I have super powers, but I’m actually kind of shy. Sometimes when things get too much, I like to put on a pair of glasses, act like a dork and just sort of blend in. There’s this woman I like, but while she’s crazy about the super-powered me, she treats me like dirt when I’m wearing glasses. It’s like she doesn’t even realize I’m the same person. To top it off, my enemies try to get to me through my friends, so if I started dating her I’d probably have to keep rescuing her. What should I do.
Just wrap your legs round these velvet rims and strap your hands across my engines.
I live in Brooklyn with my parents and I work in a hardware store, but I’m pretty good looking and I dance really well, so I’m popular with the ladies. There’s this one chick from Manhattan who also dances really well, but she’s only interested in me as a dance partner. Anyway, we entered this dance contest and won, but I think it’s only because the judges didn’t want the black couple to win. So I got mad and gave the black couple the first-place money. Now my friends are mad at me and my dance partner just walked out. What should I do?
Move to Houston and learn how to ride a mechanical bull. There are lots of hot chicks there, too.
I live in a little town in Iowa and a new man came to town. I think he’s really special but all the other people here think he’s a con man. They want to ride him out of town on a rail. What should I do? Need answer fast!
Well, it depends on how limber you are. If you can’t reach, you can just wave to your ass good-bye.
Look, here’s the thing … I promised my girlfriend that I’d give up cards when I blew 30 grand in one night. But my old running partner is out of jail now and he’s got me into some shit. Long story short, I’m sitting here with a monster pair and my opponent just raised … but there’s these friggin’ Oreos that are giving me the creeps. What should I do? Need answer fast!