Call. With any luck, he’s bluffing. Ignore the oreos.
Okay, I promised my fiancee that I wouldn’t bet much, but I’ve got a STRAIGHT FLUSH and the dealer’s trying to raise me out. What should I do? Need answer fast.
You got’s ta know when ta hold’em. Know when ta fold’em. Know when to walk away. Know when to run. Straight Flush you say? RUN!
Need help fast. I’ve been put in charge of bouncing for a small night club in the midwest called the double douche. Seems like most of the staff are skimming from the till, bustin’ heads, and generally stinkin up the place. So, my problem is, do I use my hairbrush to curl my mullet inwards or curl it outwards?
Neither; gently shake out your mullet with your fingers and leave to dry.
Help! I was bitten by this funny-looking snake, it was black and red and white, is it poisonous? My left arm feels all tingly, but that may have been because I was sleeping on it. Ned answer quick!
Are you on a plane?
There’s this girl I really, really love. I keep telling her that with every breath she takes, every move she makes, I’ll be watching her. For some reason, she doesn’t think this is romantic. What should I tell her?
Sometimes the spoken word is not enough. She will never know how you feel until you write it out in a letter (use cut out letters from a newspaper for that ‘romantic’ touch) and attach that letter to a doll with a knife stuck through its head. It’s the little touches that make the difference. You can watch her reaction from outside her bedroom window.
My hair is on fire and my office has three types of fire extinguishers – water, foam and C02 gas. Which is the correct one to use on a burning pate? Or should I use the cat instead? Need answer fast.
Each type of extinguisher (and also the cat) will be effective on burning hair. The main question is, which scene from which cartoon do you want the firefighting to most closely resemble. Personally I prefer the I Love Lucy model, for which the CO2 model works best.
Got a question to ask, pilgrim?
I, like, have this paper I have to write, and it’s like, on quantum physics, and it’s due, like, next period, and I haven’t started yet. Need help fast!
I’m bored, need help fast!
Count how many envelopes you can lick in an hour, then try to beat that number!
I like big butts and I cannot lie. Why do all the other brothers try to deny? Need answer fast!
You can do side bends or sit-ups, but please don’t lose that butt!
I was in a hurry this morning and forgot to ask my question. But I still don’t know, so I NEED AN ANSWER EVEN FASTER!!!
Can I drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?
Yes, but we’re towing your ass regardless.
I have a date with a cute Russian girl tomorrow and she mentioned something about roulette, so I guess we’re going to a casino. What do I wear? Need help fast!
Something red to, uh, hide the stains.
I’ve lived a modest, rustic life and never expected to be anything other than a farmer, or maybe even a knight. Then I found out my dad was the king. I just pulled this magical sword out of a stone and now everybody’s looking to me for answers. I’ve never been a king before. What should I do? Need answer fast!
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Never run with your sword. You can poke someones eye out.
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You use the side of the sword and not the edge when knighting people.
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Get a new scabbard, because a rock is to heavy and bulky to carry your sword in.
Need answer fast!
I just broke open a rock and there’s a ray gun in it. Is a rock the prehistoric equivalent of the modern plastic packaging? How did the ray gun get in the rock?
For the love of all things good, leave the gun there!!! It was left by time travelers who will need it in the future to destroy the evil cyborg hivemind lest they enslave the Earth. Unless they already got to you, in which case it’d be best to wait in ambush to kill the ‘heroes’ who will try to retrieve it.
I’ve got a science fair coming up and I figured I’d try to play God and create a monster ala Frankenstein. My only concern is the thing going berserk before I win first place. Need answer fast!
You need to first install an immobilizer chip in his brain that is linked to a remote control. Don’t forget the batteries!
I have befriended a grandmother trapped in a war zone in Africa and I need to raise £5,000 to pay off the bribes needed to get safe passage out of the country…hurry up, I don’t think she has long to last.
Steal the money and leave a goat in a getaway car. The goat will get lynched because you obviously changed into a goat.
Need answer fast.
I found a beautiful gold artifact. Will it better to melt it down and sell the gold or deal with the government and the lawsuits demanding it’s return to people that never owned it, but think they have a claim to it, because it originated there 500 years ago. It was found in a fishing net on the Grand Banks.
Obviously if it’s a beautiful gold artifact found in a fishing net, it must have magic powers, so melting it down will only make the gods really angry. My advice is to dive into the waters off the Grand Banks, clutching the artifact. It’s magic powers will allow you to breathe underwater. Swim around until you find the mer-people who the articact belongs to and they will reward your handsomely.
I’m trying to lead my people out of slavery and to the promised land. We’ve been wandering around in the desert for awhile, it’s getting rough, and my people are losing faith. Plus there’s this one loudmouth who keeps yelling “Where’s your Messiah NOWWWWWW?” I need to do something dramatic to restore faith (and shut this guy up.) Any suggestions?
Find a big mountain and climb it. Carve some official-looking stone tablets. Bring them down the mountain and bonk the loudmouth on the head with them. That’ll shut him up. Then tell your people that God gave you the tablets. Wotta laff riot! Let me know how this works out, would you?
I’m just a kid. I found a weird, teeny little guy hiding in my backyard. He’s really cute. I want to keep him, but he seems to want to go somewhere else. I really don’t want to let him go, and besides, I have plenty of Reese’s Pieces to feed him. What should I do? Need answer fast.
It’s just an old guy from New Jersey. Probably one of the people that installed the Statue of Liberty. Start calling the nursing homes.
I found a nuclear submarine designed to sink ships. Does anybody know why I shouldn’t go for a cruise off the coast of Africa by Somalia and look for pirates? There is a really giant old pipe organ in it. I might just have to play it when on the bottom of the ocean and see if the neighbors complain.