You’ve found the legendary attack submarine the “Loose Lips”. It was invented by Jewel more than 100 years ago, but it is currently haunted - fire yourself from the torpedo tubes ASAP.
There’s this girl at my office who like to wear short skirts. Whenever I’m around her, my pants seem to get tighter. What’s happening and should I kiss her? Need answer fast.
Sure, go ahead. Just don’t tell the HR gal before you do. She’s such a spoilsport.
I just took off from LaGuardia and I guess I flew through a flock of birds. My plane’s engines aren’t responding. My passengers are eager to get to Des Moines, but I might not even make it past Hoboken. What to do? Need answer fast.
Use the PA to say “Who used the cellphone during takeoff!”
Need answer fast!
I find that I’m responsible for causing a cargo cult of aliens by my littering in the desert near Area 51. Apparently the aliens in Area 51 brought a slave species. Should I take advantage of this situation and start bringing more trash for trade, or have no dealings with them? They give great massages if you can get past their looking like a mothman.
Depends. Do the aliens give ‘happy endings?’ If so, they’re keepers. But if they ask you to take them to our leaders, don’t. There’s enough weird sex scandals in D.C.
I woke up this morning covered in blood. Next to me in bed were a dead hooker and my favorite race horse. Who did I piss off and what do I do? Need answer fast!
Frame the horse for the hookers death and get out of town rapido.
I’ve dreamed up the first 5 numbers for Saturday’s lottery, but cannot remember the last one. How many tickets will I have to buy to guarantee my jackpot?
Dreams are always accurate predictors of lottery wins, so all you have to worry about is the fifth one. Since there are 96 possible values for the last number, you must buy 96 tickets.
I’m already the most hated, despised man in sports, and I rcently got busted for using steroids. Should I take the Mark McGwire “That’s all in the past, and I’m not interested in the past” approach? The tearful, Giami-esque “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry… but I can’t tell you for what” approach?
I’m leaning toward the Sammy Sosa “Me no speaky Ingles” approach, but I’m not sure I can pull it off. Help!
Just kill yourself, please, but only after signing both a full confession and a will leaving all of your money to charity.
I’m in this extremely loud rock band, see, and our drummers keep… well, things just sort of keep happening to them, y’know? We’re about to go on tour and we need a new drummer, but none of the blokes who are good with the sticks want to have anything to do with us. They think taking the gig could be fatal. It’s a crappy situation, innit? So what should we do? Need an answer fast, mate. Ta.
They have drum machines now. Who needs humans anyway?
Speaking of machines, I fear my printer has become sentient, as it tends to turn itself on at random times for no apparent reason. This makes me uncomfortable yet I can’t get rid of it because I need it for school and can’t afford to buy another one right now (and hell, for all I know that one would be sentient too). So I’ve decided to take it under my wing and raise it as one of my own. Today it asked me where baby printers come from, and I don’t really know how to explain it. What should I say?
The more important question is, can two female printers create another printer?
I’ve got two tickets to paradise. Won’t you pack your bags, and we’ll leave tonight? Need answer fast.
Well, I’m a friendly stranger in a black sedan so I’m sure we can work something out.
I’m a successful entertainer who came here from Cuba. I married a wonderful redhead who I love a lot, but she’s always trying wacky schemes to join my act. The truth is, she’s not very talented. We have a cute kid, and I’d like to move to a big house in Connecticut. How can I can convince my wife that she really should be a suburban mom?
Find her a temp job on a candy factory assembly line. She’ll soon see that she really ought to be a housewife, bless her heart.
My daughter’s meathead boyfriend is always yammering about the blacks and the poor and the underclass, blah blah blah. He can barely hold down a job and he smells, plus he wears his hair long like a hippie. Hell, he IS a hippie. Anyone could see that my daughter is 'way too good for him. What can I do to get her to dump him? Need answer fast.
Introduce your daughter to me. 'Nuff said. But I can’t be held responsible for any fits of swooning she or your wife may suffer after meeting me. 
I haven’t eaten anything all day, so I opened the fridge and looked around. I heard a noise coming from some container way in the back so I open it up. Apparently my food has developed intelligent life and civilization and I am now their god. Thing is, they’re ugly little buggers and smell awful. What should I do? Need answer fast!
Huh, you know a very similar thing happened to me. What I did was told them I had to go far away to another place because of all their “sins” but that I would return “one day” for a second comming. Then lock that fridge up and toss it.
And have something to eat! You’re just skin and bones and it’s killing your poor mother to look at you.
Need answer fast! What’s it called when you willingly abstain from food and drink for a period of time?
I had the answer in this Book, but I lent it to somebody.
I have a daughter who’s really a brat and she shot my husband. Now the cops are here. Should I take the fall, even though it will mean I’ll lose my chicken restaurant and my future as a Pepsi executive? Need answer quick!
Children get away with murder with almost no consequences. Let her do the time. It will be like summer camp, and then she’ll be home to meet your new boyfriend by summer.
Need answer fast!
I used BenGay ointment on my teeth by mistake. How do I stop the burning pain?
Rinse your mouth thoroughly with lemon juice and turpentine. That should do it.
I’m just a small-town boy, but now I’m living my dream in the big city and have sort of fallen into the social circle of this very impressive millionaire and his girlfriend. But now it turns out that everything I thought about the millionaire may not be true. He has some skeletons in his closet that are… well, let’s just say he’s not who I thought he was. Plus I think I may be falling for his girlfriend. The situation is getting out of hand. What should I do? Need answer fast.
If you think his girlfriend is falling for you too, I suggest she take out a huge life insurance policy on him with a double-indemnity clause should he die in an unfortunate accident. Then have her make sure he takes a train trip. When he steps out on the platform for a smoke, you can arrange to push him off the train. Then you and the girlfriend can be together, living off his money. What could go wrong?
I need romantic advice, too. I met Marmalade down in Old New Orleans struttin’ her stuff on the street. She said ‘Hello, hey Joe, you wanna give it a go?’
Should I give it a go? Need answer fast.
I assume ‘giving it a go’ means working together to repair the damaged New Orleans beach erosion caused by Hurricane Katrina. In that case, I say yeah, give it a go, and Gitchi Gitchi Ya Ya Da Da.
Help. I’m on Jeopardy and I’m losing, the other players are just too quick to buzz in. But I like to consider the questions for a while before buzzing in and answering. Should I stick to my method and answer slow, or should I…?
Need answer fast!
You need to toss the contents of your pockets at the other contestants at the precise moment Alex finishes the question. This will distract them enough for you to consider your answer and buzz in.
I am posting on my cell phone while driving on the freeway and I am about to crash into a bridge pillar. There is a tractor trailer in front of me and coming at me in the oncoming lane, what should I do? Swerve to hit the pillar or close my eyes and slam the brakes?
Need answer fast!
Duck.
How do I tell the difference between a hangover and a tension headache? NAF!