I enjoyed it. And I enjoyed seeing this thread, as it gave me an excuse to rescue one of my old usenet posts that I’m particularly proud of.
Drastic’s Achilles, Reimagined for the Modern Audience:
Given that the Illiad, at least, is primarily one long fight scene, with
the occasional break for discus-hurling and surly speeches, I had the
thought that it would make a good big-budget film. Certain aspects of
the story would need to be modified, of course, to better satisfy the
modern audience. The gist of the revamped vision:
1: Achilles is the king.
2: Agamemnon is his trusty sidekick.
3: The slave girl he spent most of the tale sulking over is actually
his true love who brings the distant warrior out of his shell.
4: The evil Hector secretly kidnaps Achilles’ true love and holds her
hostage in Troy. He promises to kill her if Achilles ever fights again.
Deeply troubled, Achilles does not dare fight; the other Greeks, in
their ignorance, think him a coward but he cannot reveal the truth.
That damn Hector!
5: Without Achilles, the evil Hector stampedes all over the greeks. He
has bitchin’ ominous orchestral choruses whenever he’s on screen, hewing
the forces of Good in slow motion. The audience’s mood is tense, but
comic relief is supplied by Ajax and Ajax. Best-loved sidekick
Patroclus is killed; in agony of mind, Achilles gets new armor and
prepares to fight again, knowing he’ll never see his true love again.
The audience feels his pain, is teary-eyed at his heroic determination.
6: When things are their darkest, Achilles’ trusty sidekicks Agamemnon
and Menelaius, sneak into Troy and rescue Achilles’ lady-love.
7: Achilles mows through routing Trojans as dramatic music blares. He
is raging; he thinks his true love is now surely dead; he intends to
join her one way or the other once Hector is dead at his feet. The
audience knows better.
8: Final showdown. Hector is knocked down, Achilles sure to triumph,
when Hector’s evil apprentice Paris lets fly an arrow from his cowardly
sniper’s position. Thwack! right into the hero’s heel. Achilles goes
down, clutching at the arrow as Hector rises to finish him off, sword
held high.
9: Paris gloats up above. A finger taps him on the shoulder. He
turns. Agamemnon and Menelaus have rescued not only Achilles’ love but
Helen as well. Helen kicks Paris in the crotch. His eyes bug out, he
stumbles. Makes a funny “ooooo” strangled sound. The audience laughs
appreciatively. “Consider this a divorce,” Helen tells him, and
Menelaus pushes him off the wall.
10: Hector is still poised over Achilles, sword raised high.
Apparently, all of #9 happened really fast, or Hector just likes to
pause for dramatic effect. Achilles has lost, but that’s okay, he knows
his twue wuv is as good as dead. He looks past Hector, to the parapets
of Troy and (triumphant music) sees Her with his trusty sidekicks,
waving. This works just like spinach for Popeye.
11: Achilles surges to his feet, and the final showdown, part 2, takes
place. Hector bites the dust.
12: Happy ending and celebration back at the Greek camp. Credits roll.
Now, surely that’s a better story. The original would just never fly, I
mean, after all, Homer’s Achilles was sort of an petulant, pouty
asshole. It’s much better if Achilles is the misunderstood and
ultimately vindicated hero.