The Incredible Fellatic Troika

The BBQ Pit
1

Indulge me for one day, my birthday, during this football season. I promise I’ll never bring it up again.

Dateline Green Bay - In what experts are calling a near physical impossibility, Brett Favre was on the receiving end of a deepthroat triple hummer Monday night against the Redskins.
“It’s hard to believe Al Michaels could even TALK with all the cock shoved in his mouth,” says Dr. Herb Fishtorn. “And what’s amazing is that they gave the hummers with no foreplay…one minute into the game and they were calling him the greatest man ever to live. After the first touchdown they called the game a ROUT.” Fishtorn remarked.
“We had a bucket to spit all the semen into because we wanted to get right back to the cock sucking.” Al Michaels said, wiping off his chin.
“Here’s my list of people that I love,” said Dan Fouts, “Jesus Christ, Brett Favre and President Bush.”
“Really,” said pithy commentator Dennis Miller. “You put Brett second?”

A brief scuffle ensued as to who actually loved Brett Favre more, which ended with John Madden making a surprise appearance, spreading his ass cheeks and begging Favre to take him hard and long and make him a real man.

Reaction Around the Nation

In other news, if you heard a gigantic groan of disbelief and subsequent screaming coming from the midwest last night, it was most certainly one Ms. Jarbunny, cuddled up on her couch, praying for injury, responding to Dennis Miller’s incredible comment:

“If there’s a mensch hall of fame, Favre’s in it already.”

Yes kids, take it from the NFL, alcoholism, infidelity, drug addiction, whining and mispronouncation of your God given name are the way to go if you want to be a success in the real world.

Jarbaby Commentary:

Brett Favre is a great quarterback. I wish that he had played for my team. He’s a tremendously talented athlete…and he’s got a great streak going.
That being said: CAN WE ALL QUIT CHUGGING HIS COCK every fucking day of the week? Can we go one fucking god damn NFL conversation without bringing up how he was conceived by a virgin and sent to throw touchdowns for our sins? Can we quit nominating him for MVP every year after the FIRST GAME OF THE SEASON? Can we ever admit that some of his passes are wobbly or way off? That he makes mistakes? That there are other people playing football around the league? I’d rather have Manning on my team ANY DAY.

And can we finally admit that we all let Favre off the hook for being a drug addict amazingly quick? Jim Miller accidentally took an illegal supplement and gets suspended. Favre’s livin’ in the Vicadin Playground and he’s our hero.

Jarbaby Goes Mad

BRETT FAVRE I HATE YOU. I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU and your stupid ugly fucking face you cocky motherfucking bottom feeding assbite. May you be forced to commit cunnilingus on a syphilitic carp fucker.

DIE BRETT FAVRE DIE.
jarbaby

2

I was just going to check in the Pit to see if there was a jarbabyj birthday thread. Happy birthday, dammit.

You forgot to mention all the talk about how each commentator wished beyond hope that they could be involved in a three-way with Favre and Ahman Green, who they seemed to be stroking during all of the cock smoking.

3

Happy Birthday Jess :wink:

Does this mean I have to take my Saint Brett statue off the dashboard? :stuck_out_tongue:

4

::sniff::

That was beautiful.

And Happy Birthday!

5

Have a vunderbar Rammstein Birthday jarbaby. May your day be Favre-less and filled with thoughts of naked dancing Till’s.

6

I had to stop for the title alone.

Happy birthday Jess. Here’s some birthdy advice.

Relax, take some deep breaths and try not to worry so much about football. It will give you premature wrinkles and raise your blood pressure. Save your energy for the more important things in life, the things with meaning and substance that make life better.

LIKE HOCKEY!!!

Woo hoo!!!

The season is almost ready to start !!!

No more wussy football !!!

Go Habs !!!

The Devils still suck !!!

You can kill me now.

:slight_smile:

7

Now, see, this is why I don’t follow sports. You just don’t see people getting that excited about how good somebody is at roleplaying, or mowing the lawn, or playing with his kids.

People, he’s a football player. He’s getting paid to play a game. He’s getting paid A LOT to play a game.

I think it’ll be a great day when game manufacturers send recruiters out to college to hire people to playtest their new products, with starting salaries in the mid six figures.

Yeah, that’ll happen.

8

“You just don’t see people getting that excited about how good somebody is at roleplaying, or mowing the lawn, or playing with his kids.”

Apparently, you’ve never seen this daddy when he gets home from work and gets piled on by his little girls. There is nothing better than that. Joyful carnage is what it is.

Two words that strike joyful terror into the hearts of little girls: THE CLAW.

Nothing compares to that. Not even hockey.

9

And what would then happen to the price of the games that you enjoy so much?

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Hey, I’d even take a high five-figure salary to playtest new games. I’m not greedy. Or maybe we can make it a nice small four-figure compensation per game tested - I could live with that.

11

jarbabyj, happy birthday. as much as i appreciate your colorful,lurid, and necessary roasting of brett boy and his gasket-cleansing minions on MNF, i wish youd get to work developing your new product, liquid fuck. an anxious public awaits.

this could be just the thing to, ahem, stimulate the economy.

and dont forget the ivanka trump flavor.

12

Feynn, I went to a Hawks preseason game on Tuesday because the Blues were in town and I wanted to propose mistress-ship to Doug Weight, only to find he didn’t play! THAT LOUSY FUCK!

Ethilrist, I realize he’s playing a game. That is why I said INDULGE me. If you don’t follow sports, don’t worry about it. Only football fans can fully grasp the magnitude of hummers this guy gets, even in the offseason. It reaches beyond mathematical calculation.

In conclusion, I still hate Brett Favre.

13

jarbabyj, you know how much I love you and reading your pithy little comments, but I was really disappointed with this one. You needed more Dennis Miller. How about something along the lines of:

“Y’know, Dan, old Al’s chugging more cock here than Caligula at Woodstock.”

That said, I had a friend of mine (non-Doper) check out this rant, and he readily agreed with you. Then again, he’s a Cowboys fan.

14

Gee, I dunno. How much do footballs cost these days?

15

  1. Happy Birthday.

  2. I am a lifelong Packer fan and have been a critic of Favre as I believe the prototypical NFL Quarterback should be smart enough to know when to take a sack. (Say, when you are in the red zone with seconds to play in the first half a timeout and can still get a field goal rather than throwing in to double coverage to try and get a ball to Antonio Freeman and it gets picked off. I know, the foregoing is merely hypothetical and would never really happen.)

  3. Where the fuck do you get off? The guy has been playing the position at a high level for ELEVEN DAMN YEARS. He has stats that rival the best in the history of the game. No quarterback in the history of the NFL was blessed with the combination of arm strength, toughness and ability to make accurate throws from awkward and disdvantageous body positions. The last three years every sycophantic media personality in the country have been doing a circle jerk over Duante Culpepper, Donovan McNabb and the like even though their accomplishments within the NFL are barely more impressive than yours. Favre has been ignored, ridiculed, called over-the-hill and on the down side of his career the last few years. The only platitudes that were tossed his way were for his unbelieveable string of starts and now that the Packers are doing better and he is healthy (and shoving the words of dumb ass commentators like you down their throats) you come up with that pile of whale shit?

Please feel free to Super Bowl Shuffle your opinions back to the toilet from whence they came.

16

Provide me ONE instance of this and I’ll blow you. I’ve been an avid football fan for close to 15 years, and I have NEVER heard a public media criticism of Favre ONCE. Even when he was hurt they said “he’s hurt, but he’s still brett favre, the best, sexiest, thinnest, most pious, strongest, most patriotic football player ever”. When he throws an interception, it’s everyone else’s fault. When he DOES get sacked he whines about it, looking for a flag 90% of the time, because how dare the world touch brett favre?

I never said I didn’t think he was talented. In fact I think I said it in the OP. HE IS GREAT. He is also a mortal human being, which nobody in the NFL cares to admit.

Thank you for the birthday greetings.

Go bears.

jarbaby

17

I was too wrapped up in how bad the Redskins sucked, last night, to even notice the Favre-latio that was apparently going on.

Hence this [hijack]:

“Yes, our team is really bad,
but we don’t give a fuck:
R-E-D, S-K-I, N-S-U-C-K,
Redskins suck, Redskins suck,
The Redskins suck, they suck, they really blow-ho-ho-ho!”

I’ve been watching the Redskins for 35 years, and this may be the worst they’ve ever been.
[/hijack]

18

For the record, Manning plays on MY team. Go Colts!

19

Huh? Are you asking about pro football GAMES?

There is a market for the pro football product… as evidenced by the tv coverage and ticket prices. To achieve the salaries you want as a game tester…would require the prices of the game to be raised beyond what the market will bear.

20

I now know what I will be giving you for your birthday.

I can’t provide you with a cite off of the top of my head to every one of the critcisms lobbed his way but you merely have to peruse the football season preview magazines to find some of them. For example, Pro Football Weekly has been quick to point out poorly he has played (somewhat deservedly) and how he is on the down side of his career (quite undeservedly) numerous times in the last few years. That includes their ranking Favre well below a bunch of guys like Kurt Warner who had ONE good season. (Albeit a damn good season.)

And if you need more proof for me to collect, I will be happy to provide it. Pucker up!