I’ve got three things to say, and then I’ll switch back to lurking mode since I think there are others who can contribute more than I.
You sound like you have a lot of mental issues and could probably benefit from some therapy and meds.
Having said #1, you are amazingly self aware and considering the circumstances, clear of mind and thought. You definitely have your shit together in regards to being able to see what’s going on. Delusional, not.
Having been a child of divorce (age 13), I can say that staying together for the kids sake is probably the worst idea anyone has thought up since they created the republican party(IMHO). My parents getting divorced was the best long term thing they could have done for me. You say your kids are sensing something is up? I’d be willing to bet that they are hiding most of what they know and feel. I know I did. You need to do what is best for yourself and your wife, and your children will benefit greatly from that improvement. It might not be a short term gain, but over the long run, they will be much better off. At least in my situation that was the case.
3a. Okay, maybe 4 things. Seriously dude, you have the benefit that a lot of people in your case don’t have. You seem to be able to look at the situation honestly and see problems where they lie, not just on the “other” persons side. That should go a long way towards solving the issues. I truly wish you luck with this.
Inigo, you are better man than I would be, or many other people in your position. I applaud you for staying loyal to the marrriage for the kids. My parents divorced when I was 14 and it has affected my life in numerous ways since. I’m not talking about the emotional one’s either, those I got through on my own. I really hope that everything works out for you and your family.
I just wanted to send my support and good thoughts. You have to do what’s right for YOU and not listen to people who tell you that you need to do what’s “normal” or “right.” There are definitely people out there (of course not us Dopers here!) who think they have a right to tell other people how to live and that the only way to do this is to conform to their idea of what’s right. Don’t listen to them. Do what’s right for you and your family and to hell with what people think. (Watch me dish out advice while telling you not to listen to advice. Is irony great or what?) Good luck.
Inigo, I’m truly impressed. I hope you and your family come through this and learn something. Take care of yourself, take care of those kids and when the time is right, take care of her, too.
Always, however, do what you KNOW is right for yourself and the kids.
Sam
P.S.- This is not ego stroking, but I hope that if I am confronted with something like this in my life that I can react accordingly and keep it together.
Hang in there. As long as you both want it, your marriage will pull through and your family will be the better. The vows you both took were for better or for worse. With determination these troubles will pass.
And we’re here to lend an ear and our very best wishes.
Wow Inigo, what you’re doing is very brave and very admirable.
But I don’t know if subjecting your kids to this situation is really healthy. I don’t know how long my parents have been hating each other, but they stay married “for the kids”. And it’s caused so many fights because they didn’t leave and start over. They have been resenting each other for years, and all my brother can do is try to talk them into divorcing so they won’t feel obligated to live together and try to put on the facade of a happy family outside our home.
My brother and I have been telling our mom to divorce our dad for about 20 years, but she’s resolute that the right thing to do is to stay together. Both of our parents are miserable and have been for many, many years.
I don’t want you to go through that because there’s so much out there to make you happy…I don’t want to see you pining away for something that may never happen. Just try to be happy =/
Inigo, I’ve been a lurker for several months, but your post struck a nerve. I’ve been in a situation similar to that which your wife is experiencing and my husband acted the same way you are. His solid love, consistency of affection, and the visible effort he put into being the better person he wanted to be helped both of us through that difficult time. I sincerely admire the way you are handling this situation and wish you the best of luck.
(fwiw, we are now very happy and very much in love, in that :rolleyes: kinda way)
Ok, if it’s not clear yet, I’d just like to make it so: I’m drunk. Again. But the kids and wife are asleep & I’m not fetal, so… Wait…that’s not what I wanted to clarify. It’s this: I am not a proponent of staying together for the kids (a condition for which I shall now, before your very eyes, coin the term: “Rengstorff” as I’m pretty sure there is no street by that name in The Bay Area). As I was saying. I’m not about to Rengstorff for appearance sake. That’s shallow and a number of other things, the words for which elude me for the moment. No, I’m Rengstorff because she’s a hell of a good mother, and I’m (becoming) a pretty amazing dad. Also, I seriously want to fix our marriage. By the time my oldest is to the point where she can tell me or my wife “Hey, dumbass, get a freakin divorce already” things will have already settled, one way or the other. Just wanted to make that clear. I still love the woman, though she does try my patience.
Casting a withering gaze at TheEye’sEar:
YOU. I got just one question for you. How long did it take? You know what, not in this thread. I got a better idea. I’ll pay your Straight Dope subscription for the year if you’ll post your side of the story in it’s own thread, in lurid detail as I’ve done. I know my situation’s not the same as yours exactly, but if it’s similar I’d like some insight…ignorance fighting and all that. Because while I’m all in touch with my emotions, strong for being able to stand back and point a few fingers in my own direction and all that wonderfulness (my wife doesn’t like Princess Bride, let alone The Straight Dope–tell me, why do I bother?), I’m suffering, dude. If I had even a vague idea of how long until stuff is bearable, well, that’d be good.
Inigo, what just happened? Seems like I missed something. You were chugging along just fine and all of a sudden, wham, the bottom drops out.
I have often thought of thrashing out the marital woes here in the Straight Dope forum, my favorite online community, just like you just did. But I haven’t overcome the shyness to spill it all here in public. Even though my situation is quite different from yours in some ways (what was that Tolstoy said about unhappy families being unhappy in their own ways…), I too have had friends advising me to just dump the marriage already. Somehow it has kept going. People who don’t know what it’s like to be in your position can’t understand how you can keep going.
It’s unspeakably difficult sometimes to know in advance whether keeping the marriage or divorcing will be better for the children. I have a sense that my children would be devastated by a breakup, though it’s too difficult to predict it in advance. That’s one reason we’ve stayed together. Another is that my spouse has such mental issues that I’ve started to think my purpose in life may be to stay on and provide compassionate care for someone who might be lost in the cruel world without me. By allowing myself to expand and embrace life more fully, I’ve become more compassionate and gentle, while at the same time I put up with less bullshit head games and insist on being real in the relationship.
I won’t hijack your thread, but I’m not ready yet to analyze my marriage in detail here. I’m just sending you good thoughts and holding you in the light. Let us know how it goes.
What happened? Did she instigate the divorce–all for the other guy who was cheating on a cheater?
Are you OK? I admire your insight and open-ness–you are stronger than you know. Perhaps that is not much comfort at present.
I am sorry for your loss and would like to help, if that is possible.
One word of advice that you didn’t ask for: don’t give in on things, just to make the divorce easier/quicker. I am not saying be obstructionist, but stick to your guns. Frankly, if she is gving out that much energy to her “other”, I don’t see how she has the energy to be there emotionally for the kids. They need you-more than ever.
Ah, I’ll shut up. I am so sorry. Wish I could help.
Because I live this, I analyze it in every waking moment. She and I are pretty open about how we feel about all this, and in recent discussions it became clear to me that, while she may not settle on him long term, she is unable to overcome her skepticism about me. Our relationship has solidified as that between friends. Basically, if you were to pick someone at work that you’re a little fond of but that’s it, imagine that you share a home and 3 kids, that’s us.
If I stay in the picture, I’ll interfere with her life and her quest for happiness simply because I can’t shake the mantle of “husband.” I’ll be forever jealous of phone calls, when she comes home late from work because she’s been with him, all that. Similarly, if I were to keep her as a roommate, which is pretty much all we are, my romantic future is pretty much squished. I can’t imagine too many women being crazy about getting involved with a guy who has a female roommate, let alone when she’s residue from a marriage sans exclusive commitment. “yeah, I’m married, but my wife and I have an understanding…” = “creep” to any girl I’d be interested in. So, as it dawned on me that I was the only one interested in saving the marriage, and that she was passively opposed to saving it, I was fighting a losing and pointless battle.
I initiated the divorce. She’s not contesting it. We have some logistical details to work out, what with the kids and all, but we have no assets, no house, etc. Pretty simple really, we just have to hash out living arrangements. I do not anticipate custody problems unless I initiate them.
I don’t even know you and you deserve better than this.
Love your kids–and show them. Don’t diss her to them (it shames the child, speaking as a child that had to listen to bile about my Dad all my life, until my Mom remarried him…that’s another thread).
Inigo- I’ve been keeping remote tabs on this post since you initiated it, and when I first read it, I thought, “here’s a guy with a pair I could never dream of having”. You are a brave and selfless soul to have dealt with this for this long, and IMHO you are doing the best thing possible by going forward with the big D. Hopefully this won’t result in any messy custody battles, which leave the parents and the kids feeling rotten.
If you need an ear, there are plenty around here that are ready and willing to listen, even if it is drunk ramblings. Best of luck to you and the little Montoyas.
maybe it’s for the best that you’re moving towards a legal delineation of your relationship. as another Adult Child of Alcoholics (StepParent Division), i’ll throw out a couple points to ponder.
ACoAs tend to grow up in households/lifestyles that are heavy on Drama. even when it’s hurtful (to themselves and others), they are often drawn to others who will provide a similar level of Drama in their lives. if it’s not a spouse/SO who has problems of their own that will generate sufficient Drama, then they may be somehow compelled to find something else that will create the missing level of excitement/danger/sheer-adrenalin-rush feelings. (side hint: what is the best means of describing “being in love”?)
chasing after an intermittently-unavailable Other sounds like Heavy Drama to me (particularly mixed with the “being in love” icing). if i was a betting person, even if she finally lands him and everything turns out peaches-and-cream, pretty soon she’s gonna be jonesin’ for that Drama again – simply because things are going TOO well and are TOO quiet.
counseling is a big help. you might suggest it to her, too.
…bbbbbbbut I thought you were moving here to be my diet coke slave???
Seriously man, it’s a hard road and good on you for even trying the open-marriage road - it’s a hard one even when things are good between you both, so it might’ve been disaster in the making.
But I am just couch-quarterbacking. Well, office-chair, covered in fleecy blanket with dog at feet quarterbacking.
Best of luck to you. And if you need anything - really, mate - let me know.
