Aw, Inigo, I’m sorry. It’s hard to lose your future, and it’s hard to admit it too, isn’t it?
“Just keep swimming” seems to be my motto lately, but I’ll gladly share it with you.
That’s it in a nutshell right there. My feelings are hurt, I feel betrayed, I can’t stop trying to figure out what position they did it in…
But really, it boils down to: “How do I deal with 12 years of history & another 20 of plans being derailed?” Add to that the fear of maybe having to do that time alone.
It occurred to me this morning that I can look at this as a massive loss, or as a new opportunity to refresh my life. Clearly, it is both, but I need to focus on it being an opportunity or this will Eat. Me. Alive.
Plus I’m more likely to sneak a vacation to San Fran and practice obedience and Diet Coke serving.
I know. And you’re losing four times the history that I am, which has to be at least four times as hard.
People keep telling me that it will be OK, but I am stubborn and refusing to believe them. They may eventually be right, but I’m going to wallow in it a little longer.
Wallow. And then get in your car and come to Denver for St. Patrick’s Day ColoraDOPE. We can drown our sorrows together. I promise not let you take advantage of me, no matter how much I beg you to.
(can’t keep me down, I’m hitting like a trout during a evening mayfly hatch!)
Wow, nothing like the fish biting to boost a girl’s ego! And I’m not a flirter either.
I had meant to add that if you do come out to California, give me a call and we’ll hoist a beer and spit on the floor in the memory of love.
Hey, I love you, Inigo. Big hugs. {{{{{{{Inigo}}}}}}} What a coincidence. I was in Denver when my first marriage broke up. Devastated my entire existence, the most painful pain I ever endured. But I got over it. 
No, she’s not.
Aw, dammit, Jules. I’m sorry. Wish I’d known. That offer of matrimony still stands. Or, if you just want a drink, that offer’s good too.
I’m glad, given the circumstances, this ultimately ended in divorce. I read this entire thread for the first time now and the first thing that came to my mind was, “You aren’t kidding, you really are crazy.” What made me think that? The fact that you said this woman was a “hell of a good mother” (no, she’s not.)
Good mothers try to provide a stable home life for their children. Good mothers are not emotional junkies that have to be strung on by some “other” man aside from her husband for a long period of time. In general women that cheat are not very good mothers in most cases because they are too self-centered to be good mothers. This woman you refer to as the “good mother” may indeed do all the mechanical mother things well but from what you’ve said of her she has so many emotional and mental problems I’d be trying very hard to have her legally removed from any rights to the children if I was in anyway involved with the situation.
Basically there is just no way a woman can be a good mother “in spite” of all the things you’ve said. It just is not possible. It’s like Cher in that 1980s movie the Mask, she could put on the face of the good mother but she was too wild and out of control to really be a good mother.
I’ve known many women like this in my time and none of them were good mothers, all of them were good for themselves and that’s about it (and even that is arguable.)
Also I think it definitely calls your parenting skills into question that you would consider a woman like this a good mother (a woman you’ve described as having serious mental problems.)
I truly feel for you as a Christian. I’m sorry you have mental problems, I’m sorry your wife has mental problems. I have nothing but love for both of you and hope with all my heart your lives turn out better.
BUT, I think you need to decide if it’s really appropriate to try to “improve your life” until you “become” a good father. If you don’t think you’re “up to it” then you need to find these kids some better guardians. It’s very injurious to children to try to compose yourself mentally and raise children at the same time.
I’m hoping you weren’t aware of your mental problems before you had children, because if so it was very reckless to have children before you sorted those out.
There’s a spot you missed just there on your ivory tower the last time you polished it.
Remind me, what’s that famous scripture which starts off “judge not…”
That refers to making a moral judgment about a person in full based on their actions. For example saying a prostitute is a “bad” person. Or saying a bad parent is a “bad” person. I’m not saying that.
What I’m saying is, I see two adults that chose their own lives in this story and 3(?) children that are going to be in a maelstrom of mental illness while trying to grow up and become productive adults. To me there are three victims in this story and 2 people that are fairly irresponsible. I’m not saying Inigo Montoya is a bad person, or that his wife is a bad person. I’m just saying they don’t (and I only have his own accounts to go on here) strike me as people that are fit to raise children.
Now, I don’t mean they are CPS call unfit but they are at a level where if I found myself in that situation I hope God would give me the strength to do the right thing and provide the children with a real home and a better upringing. I don’t know the specifics of the case enough to say exactly what sort of home we’re talking about. It could be Inigo has painted a picture that makes him and his wife look more unstable than they really are.
And that his wife is a bad mother. Which sounds an awful lot like a judgement call. Perhaps you didn’t mean it as such, but that’s certainly how it came off.
What we know of this person consists precisely of what Inigo has told us. That, insofar as her parenting skills, has been very complimentary indeed. While I condemn her actions toward him, I am not there every day to see her interactions with her children. Nor are you. Neither of us is aware beyond what we have been told.
If everyone were to put off parenting til all of their personal emotional and psychological issues were dealt with, the human race would become extinct in very short order. Just because someone has issues does not make them less of a parent.
Everyone has issues. Even you, apparently. The question is how they deal with them.
Judging simply from the posts in this thread, I’d rather my children be raised by Inigo than by you.
Inigo, I just wanted to say I think you’re absolutely doing the right thing. Yes, your children will suffer. They may have issues with trust and commitment as adults. The research is indisputable that divorce harms children. However, every study I’ve seen has shown than staying in a bad marraige harms children even more than divorce does.
Trying to live as roomates with a former wife is absolutely a bad idea and had a good chance of ending badly, so I’m relieved to hear that not going to happen. And you’re right- I recently met a man and on our first date learned that his exwife was his roomate and that seriously creeped me out. I couldn’t stop myself from bringing it up later to him in a state of “Whaa?”
I do worry about you, though. I know that your disease is not an easy one to manage while living alone, and I hope you have some help with that.
Inigo Montoya is a 90% accurate representation of someone wose reality coexists only about 90% of the time with “Reality.” The story as I’ve represented it is inherently flawed as it comes from the memory of such a person. We’ll call it 90% accurate. That said:
Martin, all I can say about this:
is that it is delivered from a perspective of complete ignorance and belies the same lack of compassion that has so vexed the word “Christian” for so many years. The word makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up because it is rarely not followed by sweeping generalizations of right & wrong based on ideal laboratory conditions. And these are supported by non-fact statements like " try to “improve your life” until you “become” a good father" and “If you don’t think you’re “up to it”…” I never implied any of this. You inferred it because of the preconceived ideas fed to you about mental illness and complete intolerance of any action that goes crosswise of your highly edited, poorly written and poorly translated (multiple times) and almost universally errant book of ‘inspired writings,’ the authors of which remain largely anonymous and without credential.
I can’t stomach your religion, but I seem to remember Jesus saving a certain young woman from stoning, asking in essence that only those of perfect morality initiate the process. “But Jesus, we’re just doing what you said we should.” “Well, then sometimes you need to temper that with compassion.”
Ass.
You call it what you will. One can call someone “bad” at something without violating the intentions God conveyed when he said to not judge others. I can call Drew Henson a bad baseball player without it going again my God’s assertions on judging others. Just as someone could call me a bad parent or a bad husband. Relationships and parenting are skills, to criticise those skills is not to “judge” a person. At least it isn’t to me, and that’s all I’m really concerned about here for my own peace of mine on this tangenital subject.
To get back to the issue at hand Inigo has identified himself as someone that suffers from hallucinations and sees apparitions. I know enough about mental illness to know that isn’t your run of the mill personal problem. And then he goes and says he thinks his wife is “crazy even by my standards.” To me that makes me gravely worried about the children in question. As for Inigo saying she’s a good mother? That just doesn’t click. You can’t be an out of control mental wreck and be a good parent. You may be able to go through some of the motions but I firmly believe you are not doing the best thing for the children, and doing the best thing for the children is the goal of all good parents. Inigo has shown himself to be IMO hopelessly attached to this women. So I don’t think his judgment as far as her parenting skills is necessarily unbiased.
Sanctimonious blather. Are you a parent? My guess would be “no.” If you were, you would know that being a parent is intrinsically part of who and what you are. It isn’t just something you do. This thread is not about your peace of mind. And if said peace of mind were all you were concerned with, why on earth come in here to spew such judgemental tripe? Your statements were hardly made in the love you profess to have, but as an admonishment to someone you feel doesn’t meet your archaic hypocritical standards. You wish to dress Inigo down for his parenting skills? Take it to the Pit. Please. I have several thoughts that are not fit for MPSIMS. Otherwise, quit shitting on this thread.
Hm. So, I take it you’re taking your own personal experience (which I’m sure is vast) and attempting to apply it to this situation? Well done. Objective, too, the way you managed to apply your so-called “Christian” beliefs to his situation. I frequently refer to my ex as nuts. But that’s because he’s my ex, and most people use disparaging comments when referring to an ex. Due largely to frustration and anger. Have you never done so? What a saint you are. I’m sure Inigo’s pain had nothing whatever to do with his discription of his wife’s mental state. But if it did, I’m willing to forgive that, considering the stressful situation he’s currently in.
Whatever the case may be, I would take it as a personal kindness if you would either take your concerns and complaints to the Pit, or leave off airing them in this thread. Okay?
Well let’s see what I was working with:
Well let’s see. Why oh why would I assume you are trying to “improve your life” or “become a good parent” because in almost as many words you basically said the same thing. You’ve detailed how you’ve been improving from what appears to be a semi-psychotic state and that you want to be a “good father” now (as opposed to the “mean daddy” referenced above.)
So you aren’t implying you’re trying to improve your life, and you aren’t trying to become a good parent? Maybe you consider yourself already a good parent? Did you consider yourself a good parent in the cases that cause you to refer to yourself as “mean daddy?” It certainly doesn’t seem so from your post.
And as to your wife’s parenting skills I like how in the same thread you talk about “the uncertainty of what she’s going to be like when I get home” and how she is a good mom.
I have nothing against people with mental illness. I have a brother who has battled for many years with manic-depression. As much as I love him I don’t think that up until around the age of 45 that man had the capabilities to be a father. Just because I think mental illness could preclude someone from being a father does not mean I’m making a judgment on you as a person or that I’m “ignorant” as far as mental illness goes. Mental illness is an umbrella term and the meanings are extremely varied and with any given condition case-by-case issues arise.
But as it is you’ve described yourself as someone that is 10% out of touch with reality, as someone that hallucinates, is unmedicated, and is actively trying to “improve.” I commend you for trying to bring about improvement (and I certainly hope that unmedicated doesn’t = untreated, and that you are engaged in some form of medical care for your condition) but if people in your and your wife’s condition legally have a right to raise children then I think our laws need to be rewritten. While it sounds like things may be improving I’d definitely say you were absolutely and utterly unfit as a parent when you were cycling between “good/mean daddy” and suffering from hallucinations and delusions.
I understand that this thread is only a small snapshot of your life. I can only offer my opinions based on the information you put out in this thread. That’s how internet forums work. If you want to explain your exact mental condition then maybe my opinion would change (though I’m not sure, because some of the behavior you’ve described would make me very wary of entrusting children into your care.)
If anything I say is truly because of misinformation or distorted information on your part then the onus is on you to clarify and further explain, it is perfectly appropriate in this setting for me to make my opinions known based on the information you have provided.
Also don’t get angry just because someone has offered up an opinion that isn’t completely supportive of your situation or isn’t laden with internet hugs. You offer up your life situation here in a public forum then be ready for some people to have certain feelings on the matter that you may not like. As it is my primary concerns when I read the tale were the children. I do feel for you, truly I do, but innocent children rate higher in my list of concerns than adults do, and that’s just how I operate.
I think you are certainly a good man that is trying to do the right thing. But just from the info you’ve give me I just do not see how the situation is right for the children involved.
Mind indeed. As it is I’m being genuine when I say I feel for Inigo. I just don’t think we should be so ready to jump on the support train when there is a chance that childrens’ healthy upbringing is at risk. And no, just because you have donated some biological matter to create a child does not mean being a parent is “part of who you are.” There are many people who are biological parents and could care less what happens to their children, there are some that wouldn’t even recognize their own children if they met them on the street. Some people are not fit to be parents. Some people should never have kids in the first place. Some people don’t have the personality.
Unfortunately it seems many of the things that make an insufficient parent also go hand in hand with the type of person likely to get pregnant/get someone pregnant and find themselves in the parenting situation.
What do any of us bring to this forum aside from our own personal experiences? I offered my opinion based on the story. I did so in a way that was not intentionally insulting to Inigo. In my viewpoint pointing out a weak skill doesn’t make me a bad person, and it doesn’t constitute a personal attack. However if this method of discussing things offends or upsets Inigo I won’t say anything else in this thread. But this is his thread and I’ll leave at his request, not yours.
And I don’t think it is fair to ask me to judge the veracity/sincerity of individual comments Inigo makes, or to try to look deeper into the situation than he has given us access. MPSIMS is a more relaxed atmosphere. Inigo put down his store and I put down “stuff I must share.” I put the caveat in virtually all of the posts I’ve made that I don’t know the whole situation. That’s to say right up front that I’m just going off these posts. It’s very possible and even likely the “real” situation is not well reflected by the posts, and I’ve said that. And if the real situation is not well reflected by the posts then I see no reason that Inigo cannot just say that, and then move on from there.
Store = story.