I came up with this concept way back here, and leander’s recent use of #3 prompted me to post this.
There are several…um…rebuttals to arguments, that when uttered, automatically cost the utterer the argument. You say one of these, you lose! It’s just that easy.
Excuse #1:The Appeal to Invisible Authority: “I have hundreds of e-mails that support my position! HUNDREDS! No, you can’t see them. Why do you ask?”
Excuse #2:It Was An Experiment: “As a trained sociologist, I designed my post with proper controls and safeguards such that I could delve into the psyches of the Teeming Millions and learn of their inner turmoil.”
Excuse #3:I Was Only Joking: “When I said that I was glad your kid had cancer and hope he dies, it was clearly meant to be funny. A joke. Get it? I guess you don’t have a sense of humor. :rolleyes:”
Excuse #4:It’s the Mod’s Fault “I only said that because the Mods are either facists or Nazis or Commies and were holding my grandmother hostage at gunpoint and made me post it, somehow. Besides, they’re hypocrites. And Manhattan killed my goldfish!”
Excuse #5:It’s Your Fault: “You’re a asshole and somehow made me post that!”
And Elmwood kindly donates #7 (:D): any argument posted in leet, morse, Spanish or any other foreign language will, no matter how cogent, well-reasoned or blindingly brilliant, lose you the argument. Slam dunk. No appeal (even to invisible authority).
Excuse #8: “If you don’t agree with my opinion, you are obviously too PC.” Suuuuure. Nobody here draws any conclusions based on facts. Here’s a thought. Maybe the fact that you don’t agree with us means you’re a bigoted asshole.
Excuse #9: Not so much an excuse, but I’m tired of hearing it anyway. “You are all very rude. I shall go away and pray for you.” Ya know what? DON’T pray for me. I already have people who are generally concerned with my well being praying for me. I certainly don’t need someone praying that I’ll suddenly start thinking like they do. Especially if that person is a half-wit. If you’re going to do anything for me, start THINKING.
Excuse #8Black Pot Argument: “Well, you’re clearly one of those <lesbo-nazi, vegan, treehugging, PETA, amoral godless heathen, NASA-deluded, oppressing, right-wing christian> and you’re unwilling to accept the truth so debating you is pointless…”
Excuse #10:Difficult life events are to blame for my post, so I take no responsibility for being a dumbfuck “Look, maybe I shouldn’t have used such strong language. But my boss just gave me a tongue-lashing and coming on top of my aunt’s pancreatic cancer diagnosis, I couldn’t help it.”
Actually, I certainly buy the concept that life events might sap one’s ability to argue fairly. But stuff the excuses up your ass–don’t use them as a bid for sympathy. Just say “You’re right, I was wrong to say that, and I apologize. I wasn’t myself.”
Excuse #12 or so: But Spoofe said almost exactly the same thing in another thread, and then there was Fenris posting something kinda like this in another one… why are you all being so mean to meeeee??? Is it only mods and their friends who get to say things like that?
Excuse #13. * The Secret Clique*. “I shouldn’t be surprised that you, you, and you agree with him. You’re all part of the clique that no one admits exists.”
##:The Waffle “I know I said that anyone who didn’t agree with me is gender confused communist bastard, but I only meant the you should maybe, perhaps, make room for the possibility.” Have the courage to either admit you were wrong or stand by your asinine comments, waffles are just for breakfast.
##:Poking holes with a blunt instrument: “Haven’t you heard about the Cottingley Fairies or Piltdown man? All science is a sham, I tell you!”
##:Appeal to ignorance: “You haven’t proved that aliens didn’t draw the Nazca lines, so they must have.”
##:The dump and dash: The art of cutting and pasting a large (usually previously debunked) treatise without putting any thought or effort into the discussion, then sitting back smugly and asking people to see the logic of your position.
The RUNAWAY AND LIE: “Hey, I was just joking on that ‘black people are just nasty’ thing . . . I’m actually from Nigeria and was just making sure you are nice people, that’s all.”
I believe it was our very own smithwow who displayed that in such a textbook way some months ago.
The WITNESS IN A NON-GD THREAD: "It’s God’s Word . . . I’m allowed to post it wherever I want because He says so. What, are you all afraid of The Truth? No I didn’t bother to check the forum descriptions, why are you all afraid to see The Truth? You’re going to Hell.
Or the variation: “Since the sum total of what man knows is so small compared to the whole universe, it is unthinkable to say God doesn’t exist.”
One of the dumbest arguments against athiesm I’ve ever heard the exact same logic forces you to believe that I am an 8-inch tall purple levitating octopus, wearing a fez. How can you say with any confidence that I’m not, given how little mankind knows about the Universe?
##: “Well that source is biased, unlike the source I have.”
<i>The All or Nothing, All Inclusive</i> “Either you support the constitution and our right to bear arms, or you don’t support the constitution and want to sap all American freedoms.”
Is case you think I made this one up, I didn’t. I got this in a mailing from the NRA.
