I attempted to post this a few minutes ago, only to be told I had been logged out. Even though Sr Siete has taken up the challenge, I didn’t want my effort to go unread, so here’s my take on
Kiefer Madness: Ashley Tisdale of High School Musical fame attempts to establish herself as a serious thespian by co-producing, as well as starring in, this gritty (hey, it’s shot in black and white, so you know it’s arty film noir)) psychodrama.
Tisdale plays Miranda “Randi” Dickensheets, who’s parlayed a newly-minted art history degree into a position as a barista at a coffee house that prides itself on featuring art exhibitions and folk-singing ensembles. Did I mention Randi’s an aspiring painter and guitarist-songwriter? She also, however, has a love for pop culture – especially the work of Kiefer Sutherland.
While watching an episode of 24 she’s recently TiVoed, Randi (aided by a veritable Hairy Buffalo of recreational pharmaceuticals) becomes convinced that Kiefer is telling her she is destined to become his bride, or at least one of his more-than-casual lays. She thus heads to Hollywood in an attempt to meet and bed Sutherland.
When a chance meeting at an absinthe house leads to Kiefer’s dismissive rejection of her advances, however, Randi vows revenge. The denouement is played out on the set of 24, as the viewer is forced to attempt to distinguish the “fake” TV script violence from the “real” shootings and stabbings being perpetrated by Randi and the collection of castoffs she’s assembled from the streets and gin joints of LA’s seamiest neighborhoods. Because of the graphic nature of this end game, filmgoers who have heart conditions or are prone to panic attacks are strongly urged to stay away from the theater.
I’ll repeat tdn’s suggested title, Another Day, Another Dollar.
In this black, despairing comedy of the human condition, tired salesman John McVries (Bill Murray) attempts to make it through another day in his soul-crushing job of selling all-in-one photocopiers; although he can barely summon the energy to go on, Murray knows he must make one last big sale to get the tropical vacation in the Dominican he has convinced himself, to an irrational degree, will restore his spirits. Standing in his way is a hotshot and hateful young salesman played by Jamie Foxx. Murray’s ex wife - who he delusionally believes he can win back with the vacation - is played by Frances McDormand. The Simplified Woman
Henpecked geneticist, Roy H. Pennyfutter (Brent Spiner) isolates the ‘nagging’ gene (N27) from the female DNA. While his discovery is still secret he puts his wife (Kathleen Turner)into deep freeze and creates a clone without the ‘nagging’ gene. Hilarity ensues when he discovers that the nagging gene is linked with the ability to percieve the passing of time, which ability is lacking in his cloned wife. Rated PG for nudity and adult themes.
British remake of “Falling Down”, with an amazing performance by Simon Pegg in the starring role. Watch for brief cameos by Eddie Izzard and Ricky Gervais as innocent bystanders caught in the crossfire during the violent climax.
The Johnny Quest Movie: Starring Neil Patrick Harris as Johnny. Now an adult, Johnny struggles to adapt to life as an accountant. Tortured by dreams of his father’s agonizing death at the hands of Dr. Zin (Chow Yun Fat). Then, late one night, Johnny is visited by a his old friend Haji (Mario Lopez) who tells him his father is still alive, and is held captive in Tangiers. He travels with Haji to Timbuktu, intent on speaking with old family friend Race Bannon. There, he meets Bannon’s lovely daughter Rachel, (Mila Kunis) who tells him that Bannon disappeared several years ago while searching for “an old friend.” Together the three intrepid intrepid adventurers confront Dr Zin and demand the return of their loved ones. After a chase scene involving ultralights, Johnny is reunited with his father, Rachel with her father Race. The three realize that they work well together and decide to go into the adventuring business together.
Next movie: La Senorita en la Carneceria
Juanita (Penelope Cruz) works by day as a shy, mild-mannered dish washer at the all-you-can-eat Carneceria. By night, however, she dons her skin-tight black leather outfit and becomes a vigilante crime-fighting figure, El Pincho, dispensing her own rough brand of justice armed with meat cleavers and kebab skewers, which she can throw with deadly accuracy while executing unfeasible martial arts moves.
Her deadly foe Ramon (Javier Bardem) is a charming, much-admired police chief who has vowed to deal with this ‘rogue vigilante’. However, he is actually the corrupt mastermind behind a dazzling series of heists and illegal deals that have had a devastating effect on the community. Only Juanita knows this - she must somehow expose him and his evil exploits, and end his reign of corruption and terror… but how to do this given that her enemy is the perceived epitome of law-abiding justice?
I would have reunited NPH with Kumar from Harold & Kumar as Haji.
**Canon LS-88L **
A dying federal agent hands Collin Farrel the code to disarm a nuclear bomb set to go off in 90 minutes using the only thing he has available - a modified solar powered Canon LS-88L calculator. The rest of the movie plays out in real time as Farrel has to get the calculator to the bomb site, all the while keeping it in the light so the battery doesn’t drain. Night of the Darkness
Nicolas Cage is an embittered, alcoholic ex-CIA agent (whose carreer was destroyed when his own slip-up led to terrorists getting close enough to assassinate a prominent senator.)
Cage runs into his former agency partner (Brian Dennehy) who was also fired after becoming obsessed with a conspiracy theory concerning an international crime cartel / satanic cult known as “the Followers of Darkness” who want to manipulate current events so that they fulfill the predictions of an ancient prophet who foresaw the opening of the gates of Hell and the end of the world (“the Night of the Darkness”).
Cage initially dismisses his former partner as having lost his mind, but then Dennehy dies “accidentally”, and Cage has eerie dreams in which his partner begs him to carry on his work. Reluctantly, Cage teams up with his former partner’s daughter (Mena Suavari), a brilliant scientist who is so smart that she wears glasses. Also mixed up in the fray is Cage’s slacker neighbor from across the hall (Rob Schneider) who does little more than crack lame jokes. Michael Clark Duncan also appears as a security guard for a CIA office who used to be friends with Cage. The three unlikely heroes unravel the conspiracy of government/army/corporate bigwigs allied to make the Darkness occur (Patrick Stewart is the head mastermind of this cartel.)
After car chases, explosions, hails of bullets, big CGI demon creatures, and a dramatic finale that occurs during the presidential inaugural ball (Don Cheadle plays the president, Thandie Newton is first lady), and the conspiracy is exposed & thwarted.
The big twist ending? This wasn’t the original Brotherhood of Darkness, it was an upstart organization, and a REAL ancient Brotherhood is still operating and manipulating the events. The mastermind of THAT more SINISTER Brotherhood? Nicolas Cage’s character!!!
My title - It All Happened Way Too Fast
It All Happened Way Too Fast Steve Carrell returns in this sequel to The 40 Year Old Virgin. The film starts on his wedding night and his wife says the movie title. Hilarity ensues.
" . . . . . . "
(working title “The Blank Movie”)*
Ray Liotta plays Howard Blank, an ex-Marine struggling with temporary amnesia as a result of severe PTSD. His patient wife Amanda, Patricia Richardson, works tirelessly with an unconventional therapist, Vince Vaughn, to help Blank regain his memory. But what has been going on with Amanda and the therapist behind Howard’s back?
(players - please remember to post a new title after your synopsis)
new title: Piece o’ Cake!
Piece o’ Cake!– Is the name of a rogue spaceship, where our movie takes place. The captain is Jason Cake (Clive Owen), a 22nd-century intergalactic pirate. His motley crew of planeteers and robots are by played by Ron Perlman, Vin Diesel, Ben Foster and Rosario Dawson.
This is the first film in a projected trilogy, directed by Christopher Nolan.
The all-star cast also features Christian Bale and Guy Pearce as the half-clone SpaceGuard “Hunters” sent to capture Cake and his Crew. They start to have doubts about the mission when the Emperor of the Galactic Consortium (another CGI tour-de-force by Andy Serkis) goes insane and orders them to bring back pie.
Not coming next to the big screen: "Who Wrote The Book Of Rock?"
Rob Reiner returns to the This is Spinal Tap idea in this mockumentary about producing a Battle of the Bands. Ed Begley is producing the Battle, and Eugene Levy is the manager of the hall where the Battle is to be held. Parker Posey and Catherine O’Hara are “Liver and Kidneys,” a Heart tribute band; Bob Balaban fronts “Smack,” a heavy metal ensemble a la Kiss; and even Spinal Tap themselves make an appearance–or they would if they could find the stage. Cameos by Jack Black, Fran Drescher, Patrick Macnee, and Paul Shaffer.
It’s 1956, and Rock Hudson is the heartthrob of many a swooning young lass. But a man who has had a boudoir dalliance with the actor who’s known for roles in Magnificent Obsession and Giant decides to pen an unauthorized, sensationalized account of Hudson’s life.
Since homosexuality is not yet mentioned (let alone admitted) in polite society, however, the biographer (played by Clay Aiken) insists on anonymity as he shops his scandalous account to publishers. He hires a budding starlet (Hayden Panettiere) to represent him, hoping her charms will convince one of the “old boys” of the literary industry to purchase the rights to the tale.
Intrigue and speculation abound as Hollywood attempts both to discover the identity of the mystery man and to determine if Rock is indeed “a little light in the loafers”, as one publishing tycoon (Jerry Stiller) puts it. This film will start production as soon as a worldwide talent search discovers a thespian who both convincingly resembles a 30-year-old Hudson and has the acting chops to pull off the role.
Paul Rudd is a high-flying Wall Street wheeler-dealer - who worked for Lehman Brothers. (And had every last cent invested in a real-estate ‘flip’ business that faired just as well.)
Now he’s reduced to working the drive-through window at McDonald’s (or a facsimile of such, to avoid “clearance” issues). He has to work with a wacky crew of zany characters including Steve Buscemi (the tight-ass store manager who feels threatened that Rudd is out for his job), Wanda Sykes (as a sassy black woman - what other part does she ever play?), and the guy who plays Dwight on “the Office” as a comic-book obsessed nerd. Jay Mohr plays Rudd’s Wall Street arch-enemy, who landed on his feet, is independantly wealthy, and makes a point of ordering drive-through takeout just so that he can rub Rudd’s nose in it.
The highlight of Rudd’s day is a routine customer who always gets breakfast at his window - Jessica Simpson, playing a french exchange student. Her name is Jean-Marie Fries. Rudd & Simpson flirt frequently, and begin to fall in love.
Eventually, Mohr discovers Rudd’s new romance. Just to stick it to him, Mohr tracks down Simpson and starts wooeing her, showering her with lavish gifts. Rudd of course can only offer her his heart - with a side order of fries & a coke. Of course, the wacky crew of co-workers comes up with a zany plan to help Rudd win over Simpson.
Will true love win out? Can Rudd outmaneuver Mohr? And does flame-broiling really beat frying?
New title:
Charles Momsen’s story is brought to the big screen at last. With Dennis Quaid playing the part of Momsen, a charismatic submarine officer and diver who is dedicated to finding ways to save the lives of submariners when the boats sink, get hit by other ships, or find themselves unable to surface. In the past such disasters have always killed entire crews.
When the sister boat of the one he is on is sunk in a collision with a cargo ship, Momsen decides enough is enough, and begins work on several emergency escape devices: First to be developed is the Momsen lung, a device that allows for a submariner to have a supply of air while making the ascent from depth. But this would only work with relatively shallow depths. He also pioneers the use of deep sea diving rigs and develops a diving bell that would be able to mate with the hatch of a sunken sub, the Momsen Bell. This Bell is then adjusted from his prototype to the McCann Bell.
Then, in 1939, the USS Squalus sinks during her sea trials. The water is too deep to safely use Momsen lungs, and the only hope for the trapped crew is Charles Momsen and his diving bell.
Supporting actors would include: Gavin McLeod as Adm. Ernest King; McCann, Momsens sometimes partner and rival (rival for the story, not IRL) would be played by Richard Dean Anderson, and the enlisted divers who earned the Congressional Medal for their work would be represented by John Ventimiglia, and named in honor of GMC Clarence L. Tibbals. (One of the men who first helped Momsen design and build his lung.)
The overlooked masterpiece Is This the Number 95 Bus?, stars Tim Robbins as a disillusioned social worker in NYC. Every night he takes the 95 Bus home to his lonely apartment. Another regular passenger is a homeless drunk (Robert De Niro), who always asks if he’s on the right bus when he stumbles aboard.
When the bus is hijacked by a out-of-work plumber (Josh Brolin), Robbins and De Niro try to talk him down. The SWAT commander called to the incident (Terrence Howard), gives them one hour to release the hostages. In the tense scenes that follow, the four men discover that they share a dark past.