Dateline – Washington, D.C. – In a bold move aimed at preventing threatened government layoffs and tax decreases, Congress today unanimously passed sweeping new legislation outlawing nearly everything, and dramatically increased the penalties for all existing crimes. Under the new bill, which is expected to be swiftly signed into law by the President, the judicial and corrections branches of government will receive a much needed increase in the funding and authority they say is vital to their quest to imprison every single man, woman, and child in the United States.
“This great nation leads the world in incarceration,” said Sen. Robert Guiscard (D, Ill.), “And I will not stand by and see our leadership threatened by well funded special interest groups.” Guiscard co-sponsored the Bill, ‘H.R. 1066, A Resolution Concerning The Rabble,’ with Sen. Lin She-tsung (C-, Cal.) who was unavailable for comment. According to a spokes-beagle for Sen. She-tsung the senator remains “deeply committed” to this legislation despite having been executed by police after an aggravated parking violation outside her Washington office. According to Guiscard, his colleague’s death only demonstrates the inherent fairness of the new law, eliminating previous loopholes which gave the rich and connected unfair advantages. In addition to double-parking, under the new law immediate execution without trial is required for smoking, writing checks in the 10 Items or Less lane, drinking unbottled water, failure to wear a seat belt, and making rude noises or unwanted eye contact on public transportation. Also, mandatory life imprisonment is now required for failure to provide pets with a college education, consumption of fossil fuels, ownership of a Macintosh computer, getting an abortion, failure to get an abortion, membership in the religious right, membership in the non-religious left, poor dental hygiene, eating meat, telling jokes that are in poor taste at cocktail parties, being a jerk, and a host of fashion violations including tying a Windsor knot in a tie and the wearing of Spandex at any time.
Discretionary prison terms ranging from 15 years to life are required for knowingly quoting radio talk-show hosts, alcohol-related talking of any kind, failure to save a whale, unsightly dandruff, ownership of lawn sculptures depicting woodland animals, spiked hair, impure thoughts, ownership of Wally Lamb novels, bearing any physical or philosophical resemblance to Oliver North or Rosie O’Donnell, and failure to tithe 10 percent of after tax income directly to starving Hollywood spokes-actors. According to Sen. Guiscard’s spokes-dolphin, the Senator believes that, “In this day and age there is simply no further excuse for not getting it.”
Questioned sharply by critics who noted that under the new legislation only Green Tea, tofu, and gun ownership remain legal, the Senator’s Senior spokes-goose retorted, “That is simply carping by the special interests, and it’s nothing more than blatant poultryism that the question would even arise.”
Gairloch