He lives vicariosly through himself.
He once had an awkward moment, just to see what it felt like.
Ghosts haunt his house just to be near him.
Both time and tide have waited for him.
Both sides of his pillow are cool.
His name precedes him the way lightning precedes the thunder.
Birds and marsupials suddenly appear, everytime, he is near.
He’s a lover, not a fighter. But he’s also a fighter, so don’t get any ideas.
His mother has a tattoo that says ‘son’.
He can speak French … in Russian.
If he slaps you on your back, you can add that to your resume.
He is a private citizen, yet he receives fan mail.
He doesn’t drink beer often but when he does…
When he logs in, even the God of Spam falls silent.
He doesn’t always discuss paradoxes, but when he does, he doesn’t.
Chuck Norris quakes in his shadow.
His words carry weight that would break an ordinary man’s jaw.
I’m nowhere near clever enough to top these, but I love them. My favorite line from the actual ads is “he bowls overhand.” That one stopped me in my tracks the first time I heard it… I had to sit and laugh for a decent time span.
Ships have been renamed after him.
When he jumps in the water, the water gets interesting.
in 1967 he came in first on the New York Marathon, and gave the crowd a victory lap.
during the spanish civil war he was awarded honors by both sides.
last week he caused a bit of a scene during mass by turning the wine into actual blood
He invented the Internet by time-traveling and virgin-birthing Al Gore.
I can’t find the previous thread we had on this, but someone there posted something to the effect of:
“he once held an auditorium full of teenage ADD suffers in attentive silence for a full six hours simply by standing on the stage, appearing as if he were about to speak”
Apologies to whomever I’m stealing that from.
invented Google, Napster and facebook in 1952, but did not care for royalties
stood model for The Cerne Abbas Giant (the scale is correct)