Everyone who needs to clean the kitchen has not just any little kitchen nook; no, they have a kitchen large enough to house a small family of elephants.
Or those ads that say, “Do you have a problem with soap scum?” And show the scummiest, most impossible soap scum mess in the world. I understand what they’re trying to say, but when you ask me that question, and show me that picture, I’m going to say, “Honestly? I’ve never had that much of a problem with soap scum in my life. And if my shower looked that bad, I’m going to need more than bottle of SCUM-B-GON! to help me.”
I suppose the first problem I should address is why I speak back to my television set. But it did ask.
Lists comprising phrases beginning with the word “FACT:…” (usually at least a few of the items on the list are not facts at all, but opinions.
And ‘Simply the best!’ this seems to be a common little phrase that small businesses will paint on their vans below the logo; their company name will inevitably consist of two or three initials (probably those of the owner) and a word describing their trade, i.e.: “JPB Plumbing - Simply The Best!” or “PHG kitchens - Simply The Best!”. Every time I see this (which is a fair bit) I can’t help imagining that the guy who owns the company was just totally wowed by Tina Turner one day and thought to himself that it would be incredibly original to use ‘Simply The Best’ as the company catchphrase - yeah, I mean, who else would think of it?.
Or just about anything. Clueless guy; always makes the wrong choice until his woman, infinitely smarter of course, steps in with an exasperated look (which turns into wry, knowing smile) and saves the day! by using brand A rather than brand B. Because, you know, only an idiot (or a guy; same difference) would use brand B.
Any ad with an animal talking or singing. It’s just wrong.
Also, pretty much any car ad. They seem to suggest that their car will cause all other cars on the road to disappear, that you will become a talented stunt driver, that your coffee will never spill, and that your family will be blissfully happy just for the privilege of riding in it. Also, you will be able to fit anything, ANYTHING into the trunk. If you’re old, it will make you younger, if you are young, it will make you seem more dignified. If you’re a girl, it will make you drive like a man and if you’re a man, it will get you laid. I have yet to see any car do any of these things.
Enters a girl with bad hair problem/bad acne problem/bad skin problem/bad-whatever-the-hell
Shows the girl in a very embrassassing moment because of the forementioned problem. (“I don’t dare to go near the cute guy because of my split and horrid hair!”)
Optional: Has the girl says, “Due to my split hair/ugly face/ugly black mole on the centre of my forehead/my unpredictable period which doesn’t stick to any schedule/whatever else that is bothering me, I don’t have any confidence in anything that I do! Waa…”
Shows up a friend/mother/lab assistant/random stranger from the street who passes the Miracle Cure-All Product to the girl
Girl uses the Miracle Cure-All Product
Astonishing shot of the girl going from an ugly ducking to a strutting peacock.
Girl and cute guy gets together.
“Miracle Cure-All Product has restored my self-esteem and confidence, guaranteeing many years of prosperity, success at work and tonnes of friends! I will live happily ever after!”
This reminded me of 2 specific advertising campaigns that I absolutely hate:
Commercials for tampons where the two women are talking and one says, “Do you ever have one of those days when you’re feeling… not so fresh?”
The Herbal Essesence commercials where the woman is so totally getting off while shampooing her hair, then they end with the tag line, “A totally organic experience”. What’s worse is that this commercial has shown up in the middle of children’s programming.
Okay, it was funny maybe the first time you parsed out 3 words to tell me that your product is “pretty” AND “tough” AND it’s also “Pretty tough!” And guess what? It’s also a countertop! Pretty. Tough. Countertops! HAHAHAHA! That’s funny! If only you and a million other people didn’t do the same thing I’d be laughing my ass off!
(yes, I’ve been wanting to post this for some time.)