The Most Unexpected Thing You Heard Today.

" Happy New Year ! What’d you do? "

" I went to Vietnam. "

" No way? "

" Yes. I went to ride my motorcycle. "

" You went all the way there to take bike tours? "

" Yes. Mostly along the Chinese border. It was so beautiful. "


I was sitting in the room changing my sneakers when I witnessed this exchange.


My wife called me an hour ago to say that she was driving over to my office to take me out to lunch, and afterward we’re going to Victoria’s Secret so I can pick out a couple things I like.

The 2nd half was the unexpected part.


The most unexpected thing I heard yesterday came out of my own mouth.

“Please stop slapping yourself with ham”.

The things you say when you have young children are often unexpected, and quite funny.

My old boss, whose kids were young when I worked for him, mentioned that one of them is applying for residencies in surgery.

Startling – where have the years gone?


In response to my question, “Is this big palette full of 12-packs of Pumpkin-Head going to be on sale for eight bucks each until they’re all gone?”

I wish I owned a fork-lift.

My boss sent me an email, “Your last day will be today”. It turned out I was cc’d on a message informing a departing employee of her schedule, but my heart just about stopped for a few seconds there.

When I originally scanned your post I saw wife, office, lunch, and Victoria’s Secret so I thought you were about to share a story of a lunchtime quickie.

Sorry to be the downer about this one, but I wasn’t expecting it.

“So I asked what she was doing and she said she was sending thank-yous for Christmas cards, and she was getting upset because she realized she wasn’t going to be alive to do that next year.”

That was my aunt talking about a conversation with my father’s second wife. I mean I’d already heard last night she probably wasn’t going to make it much longer but it sounds like she’s just about given up. She’s in the hospital now and I don’t know if she’ll come out this time.

People send thank-you cards in response to Christmas cards? Shit.

(Sorry about your … stepmother? Not sure what to call her, but man, what a thing to realize…)

Do they have your size?


The reason it was unexpected was because I was talking to one of those automated telephone service machines and I had already hit the option for English. But apparently there is some glitch in the program and when it reaches a certain point in the menu it switches to Spanish.

Well, if anyone would do it, it would be her…she has always struck me as a Martha Stewart-esque sort of person. The sort of person who puts 20 pillows on the guest bed. I don’t think the rest of us should feel obligated…doing things like that is way beyond my pay grade.

“That one’s going to be a stripper when she grows up. Hundred percent.”

Said by a shop assistant in a trendy clothing store about a young teen customer who had just left.

“Hi Congodwarf, this is XXXXXX from XXXXX. I received your resume and would very much like to meet with you…”

I wasn’t actually looking for a job, just browsing out of boredom. The posting was only an hour old. The company is one I am well aware of. The product is one I like very much. It pays 1/3 more base than my current pay PLUS commission, with twice as many hours while still being manageable with my school schedule.

How could I not submit a resume?

I still wasn’t expecting a call back, especially not on the next business day.
Now I have to get up early tomorrow and call her back!!!

“[my real first name]?”

My doctor is my oldest friend. We went to high school together. He’s told me I can stop by his office any time to see if he has free samples of drugs he’s prescribed for me, so today I did that again. The routine is that I give a note to the receptionist, she takes it to him, and she returns with the samples (if he has any). Today he came to the reception area himself and called me into an examining room. He explains that some of the drugs I get have been discontinued and he’s switching me to others. We talk for a couple of minutes, and I’m on my way.

“Who are James Hunt and Niki Lauda?”

“I think they were Lamaze racers.”

“[My wife] is in a huff with me this morning. I think I’m the doghouse becuase I called her an insensitve fuck.”

Yes, Friend At Work, that might do it.

“So, like, did your Dad get mad when you punched a hole in the wall?” - overheard convo between two teenaged girls at the gym.

So what happened? :slight_smile:

Well, if there weren’t so many salesgirls blocking me from joining her in the dressing room, I might have.

Nicely done. :smiley: