Oh man! Weird Al’s “interviews” with Celine Dion, Avril Levine and Timberlake are some of the funniest things I’ve seen on TV lately!
“Hey, rub your nose like this. Now, say something totally unintelligible!”
Great stuff. 
If you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face–forever.
-George Orwell, 1984
“Axis of Evil.”
I know, it’s supposed to conjure up this image of a dire menace that everyone must rally together to fight, but it sounds like the Supervillian Clique Of The Month from Captain Blam! comics. 
(Although Kurt Buseik could probably do something with it…)
I guess it’s too late to change my username…
“Full speed ahead and damn the torpedoes!”
We all know exactly how effective that particular strategy is at evading torpedoes, don’t we? :rolleyes:
“He would say that, wouldn’t he” Mandy Rice Davies, 1963
Never did see what was funny about that quote
I’d like to suggest my sig. It’s uninspiring in an inspiring kind of way.
“They can take our lives but they will never take our freedom”
Waaaay to inspire your troops.
Misquotin’ Hans Sprungfeld, that’s a paddlin.
ahem
“A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man.”
Yeah, but if the Lusitania HAD been going full speed, she WOULD have missed the torpedo, see?
“Wherever you go, there you are.”
“If you lived here, you’d be home right now.”
“The early bird gets the worm.” Yeah, but the early worm gets eaten.
Context, my friend, context.
Actually, I use that quote a lot here in the States. No one recognizes it, obviously.
It worked for Connery in Hut for Red Oktober.
This is a close paraphrase of something Ari Fleischer once said: “the problem with a smoking gun is that its’ smoking because the bullet has already been fired”.
Although he understands metaphorical langauge, he doesn’t really get what a euphemism is, does he?
One from Donald Rumsfield, again paraphrased (I have a terrible memory for quotes): (concerning WMD of Iraq) We haven’t found Saddam Hussein, but no one is going around claiming he never existed".
Both of those were clips I saw on the Daily Show sometime this week. This next one I saw on CNN during the 2000 Pres. campaign.
Dubya on Al Gore: “He claims he invented the internet; then why does every internet address begin with Dubya!?!?!?”
The logic found in the Bush administration is…well…there must be SOME kind of logic in there somewhere…
The next one is a Woody Allen quote that is uninspiring because it’s just so damn true. Again, paraphrased: “I don’t want to be remembered for doing something great; I want to be remembered for not dying”.
–greenphan
“Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.”
Wow, this is bizzare. I was just coming here to post this very same topic!
Here are two of my favourites:
“Health is merely the slowest rate at which you can die.”
“At this point you are older than you have ever been before. And now you’re even older.”
And I’m so glad the OP mentioned the incredible dispair.com 
A man, a plan, a canal… Panama!
Well, it didn’t inspire me to eat there… “Chevy’s: Closer than Mexico!”
How does that differentiate your restaurant from any of the other ones around here? They’re all closer than Mexico. Some of them are closer than Chevy’s.
It’s like those Otter Pops or whatever that say NON-TOXIC! on them like it’s some sort of big deal that they don’t kill you.
I was always left uninspired by “Today is the first day of the rest of your life,” too. Thanks for making it seem like a long march toward oblivion, Vice-Principal Neal.
My favorite alternative to the “Today is the first day…” is in the spirit of “Carpe Manana” and goes:
Tomorrow will be the last day of the first half of my life
A tad more palatable
“Hi” - various
For sheer banality, I always thought Scarlett O’Hara’s “tomorrow is another day” took some beating.