Acclaimed concert pianist Leopold Leopoldowski (Orson Bean) seems to have it all - international fame, a vast fortune, an adoring wife (Kate Winslet) and an even more adoring mistress (Kate Upton). However, he becomes obsessed with his inability to play the fiendishly difficult Third Piano Concerto of the obscure 17th century British composer James Yaxley (Keanu Reeves, in flashbacks), which is considered impossible for any person with only two hands. Leopoldowski decides to undergo a very risky operation to graft a third hand onto his right forearm so that he can cover all the keys. However, the Mengele-like mad surgeon (Carrot Top) he hires for the job has his own ideas…
Armageddon Outta Here!
Adam Sandler is the Archangel Gabriel, who is exiled to earth after angering God by peeing on the Pearly Gates. Disguised as a mortal man, he meets and develops a crush on fashion blogger Penelope (Drew Barrymore). Penelope has a boyfriend, Nick (Ron Schneider) who Gabriel discovers is actually the devil in disguise, trying to bring about the end of the world. An hour’s worth of screaming and fart jokes later, Gabriel banishes Nick and is forgiven by God. Gabriel says a tearful farewell to Penelope and returns to Heaven. Pausing at the entrance, he whips it out, pees on the Pearly Gates again, and returns to earth to live a mortal life as Penelope’s husband.
Faith, Hope & Pizza is the most popular attraction in a sleepy new England town. Owned by best friends Faith and Hope who have ran the place for years, their loyalty is put to the test when a just-scruffy-enough looking fisherman named Christian comes to town. Fun times, arguments, drinking wine after hours, and a wacky date ensues until a secret in their past is revealed. Christian leaves town on the next fishing boat and the two best friends swear to each other that they’ll never fight again over a man and their friendship and the pizza place is too important. Right after they agree, a just-scruffy-enough fisherman named Gabriel comes to town.
Next: Angelina: Trials of a Destitute Prostitute
Sisters, Faith and Hope,have ordered a pizza. Virile young delivery driver ‘Juan’ arrives at the door to deliver their ‘Deluxe #69 pizza’. The sisters have enough money to pay for the pizza but are dismayed and shocked to discover they have no additional funds available with which to tip poor Juan. A completely unanticipated plot twist occurs when Hope devises an alternate means for the two sisters to provide Juan with his ‘tip’. 27 minutes of memorable cinema ensue. “Bow Chicka Bow Bow” wins Oscar for Best Original Song 2019.
Next: It Happened One Night in Albany
edit:ninja’ed,but let’s go ahead with Trials of a Destitute Prostitute’
Paul the Apostle, played by Aziz Ansari, hears that the church he established in Corinth has fallen into disarray. The church members have been falling out over petty jealousies and misinterpretations of Paul’s guidelines. Can we eat the meat we offered to the idols before you told us not to? Can we crucify our wives for gossiping while we witness? Does God approve of anal sex? Paul tells them the three greatest gifts God gave to mankind: faith, hope, and PIZZA! The Corinthians agree that pizza is awesome, and by the end of the movie, they are all unified in their love for pepperoni and mozzarella cheese.
An angel, Raphel, in a job as an angel has a boring desk job. Come judgement day, our protagonist has to let in the morally good. Yet, he has a secret no one knows: he HATES humans. In this Netflix comedy, we see what the judgment from above is like when they are not in favour of the righteous.
Next: Ye Olde Taco Shop: starring Gabriel Iglesias
(I think CaptainSnazzy was responding to Armageddon Outta Here. On to …)
Angelina: Trials of a Destitute Prostitute
In this exhausting four-hour drama shot entirely on an iPhone 5, Lars Von Trier depicts one unhappy weekend in the life of Angelina, a teenage prostitute living on the streets of Rotterdam. After being diagnosed with hepatitis following a needle party with some equally down and out friends, Angelina hires herself out to a group of German backpackers, who proceed to “party” with her in an extended sequence that is impossible for anyone other than a sociopath to watch. Finally, the backpackers having passed out after hours of debauchery, Angelina recovers her severed arm and, in an unbroken 20-minute take, beats each one of them to death with it in their sleep.
In a throwback to 50s Sci Fi movies, scientists discover signs of life on Venus. The president (an idiotic expy of the current one) orders a rocket launched to investigate. Average Joe is working in the capsule prior to launch with his chimp pal Bobo when the rocket is struck by lighting and he is launched to Venus. Discovering that the air is breathable, Joe and Bobo set out to explore the planet and find a colony of chimps working on sophisticated computers. They also discover their keeper, a lonely woman from planet Amazonia XII who has never known the love of man. After some chimpanzee hijinks, Joe starts to teach her how to kiss but they are interrupted by the evil queen of Amazonia who is coming to destroy the Earth with her Amazonian fleet. Joe and his new gal pal boobytrap (heh heh boobytrap) the computers on Venus, get themselves and all the chimps into the capsule and escape to Earth just as Venus blows up and destroys the invaders. The president calls the capsule to congratulate Joe on a job well done but only sees chimps and the two kissing.
It Happened One Night in Albany
What appears at the outset like a quirky indie comedy finds Jack, Pete and Pete’s girlfriend Stacy on a roadtrip, bantering playfully and looking forward to a week of relaxed exploring. Hungry at the end of a long day’s drive, they stop for dinner at a tavern in Albany, Iowa. An innocent misunderstanding regarding a trucker hat bewilderingly escalates into a full-on bloodbath, in which Pete is killed by a pool cue through the chest and Stacy fends off the enraged locals with wild blasts from a sawed-off shotgun. Stacy and Jack must then fight for their lives as the wrath of the entire town descends upon them, eventually revealing the terrible secret lurking in Albany’s dark heart. Special appearance by Bill Murray as Mayor Lee.
A Japanese shogun warlord (Orson Bean) rules his land with an iron fist and takes no guff from nobody. When an itinerant minstrel (George Clooney) passes through the area, he seduces the shogun’s wife (Kate Mulgrew) with his sweet music and winning personality. When the lovers are discovered, the shogun orders them each hanged with nooses made of silken thread. Just moments before the two are to be executed, nothing happens, and they are, in fact, killed.
Bobby Caldman (Chevy Chase) and his family (Beverley DeAngelo, and 2 random kids) are expatriated to South Korea by his employer, Software Giant X, to oversee the Seoul expansion. No one in the family is particularly happy about this upheaval but Bobby is resolute to make the best of the situation and is determined to put on a good old American Christmas for his family in their new home. However, his plans are thwarted by unforeseen events, lack of traditional foods, his daughters new beau, and an infuriating wild gopher.
Next: Knuckleduster 2: No dust on your knuckleduster
Following the mediocre success of Knucklebuster: Grabbing the Brass Knucks, internet darling Kimbo Slice returns as Kimbo Strike, super secret agent brass knuckle underground infiltrator. Kimbo learns that one of the participants, Al Kaeda, is actually using a stolen nuclear launch strike key instead of actual brass knuckles. Kimbo has to negotiate his way through a labrynthine tournament bracket, thinking he needs to lose a match or two to get into Kaeda’s bracket. However, he not only gets the tournament schedule wrong, he also gets the tournament location wrong. He shows up at Compton, when the tournament was actually taking place at Rio De Janero, and mistakes a kabob restaurant manager for Kaeda.
Patrick McTeague (Orson Bean), an aging crime boss in an anonymous Midwestern city, decides to go legit. He starts a pretzel company specializing in unusual flavors, and has a runaway best-seller with his grandmother’s secret recipe for purple spiced pretzels. The police commissioner (Patrick Stewart), a longtime foe, doubts that McTeague has really gone straight, and sends a naive young cop (Mackenzie Foy) in to infiltrate the company. Both she and McTeague are surprised when an unlikely romance blooms between them.
Next:* Indiana Jones and the Long-Overdue Retirement*
Indiana Jones and the Long-Overdue Retirement
When word surfaces that the rare Kookalouris of Speilbergen has surfaced in Burma, Indiana Jones dons his jacket and hat for one more adventure. Boarding the plane to depart, he slips and falls down the steps, landing at the bottom with a broken hip. Unable to walk without a cane, he retires from teaching and adventuring. He becomes a glowering presence at home, surly and silent. Marion comes to resent him. They both start drinking. Indiana Jones spends weeks building a lavish birdhouse shaped like the Ark of the Covenant. He then goes into his bathroom, closes the door, and hangs himself with his bullwhip.
Little Tommy and his friends are excited to see a circus come to town and plan to spend long hours enjoying the food, rides, and spectacles. Things take a suspiring turn for the worse when the denizens of
Cirque d’Horreur start coming after them with chainsaws. Creepy clowns, bearded ladies, and even the guy in the elephant ear booth all come after them with chainsaws and kill the kids off one by one. Finally, Tommy squares off against the evil Ringmaster in the big top. Chainsaws fly as do flaming juggling pins and ferocious French poodles. Drenched in blood, Jimmy finally gains the upper hand when he is suddenly awaken by his best friend who excitedly shows him the flier for the circus that is coming to town.
King of America
High school basketball star Bobby King (Finn Wolfhard) is a normal American boy —until he wakes up one day to find himself, inexplicably, crowned the King of America, with a coterie of ministers, handlers and hangers-on all at his beck and call. At school, Bobby’s friends are intimidated by his new status, leaving Bobby alone as he enters a head-spinning world of momentous decisions and near-unlimited authority. As the world situation worsens and pressures on Bobby mount, he longs more and more to return to the simple life he once knew. Finally, when war with China appears inevitable, Bobby challenges the country to a basketball game. He sinks the winning shot, defusing the crisis, and then announces he is abdicating his throne.
Turned into a pigeon by his wife for cheating on her one time too many, Bobby Blanc (Norm Macdonald) is forced to take control of his life. Moving to a new town and getting a job as a fast food delivery service was an ambitious start but he soon falls into depression as he gradually loses his ability to communicate with humans. At last, putting aside all pretense of humanity he finds comfort in joining a kit of pigeons, taking a mate, and making roost in a chapel tower.
Next: What We Call Now
Jaden, a seventeen-year-old boy with high functioning autism, is in love with his classmate Lily. Unfortunately, a traumatic brain injury has wiped out Lily’s ability to make long term memories, so now is all she knows. With Lily’s memory issues, how will Jaden ever convince Lily to love him back and to aid in his investigation of his neighbor’s sinister multi-level marketing scheme?
Next: Nothing Hill II. A Cradle Made of Ashes
In the pacific theatre of WWII, Sergeant Bobby “Def Jams” Ganymede (Orson Bean) is ordered to take Hill “Nashi 2”. Surmising that taking the hill would probably cost the lives of half his platoon, he instead opts for going around it and reporting it as taken. Little did he know that the small group of enemy soldier on the hill were out of ammo and starving so they could have easily been defeated. After Bobby’s platoon has passed, the enemies are re-supplied by air drop and go on the hunt for Bobby and his platoon, from the rear.