The Mysterious Box by the Side of The Road®

Along the side of a road, where I frequently travel, there lies a large cardboard box. The label boldly says “pineapples.” This box has been lying in the exact same spot for almost a year. The wind should have blown it away if it were empty. Everytime I pass by it, I can’t help but think, “What really is inside that damned box?”

It drives me crazy. I sometimes get the notion to pull over, and open the box. However, if I did, I fear I might not like what I find inside. Remember the ending of the movie Se7en? eeek :eek: The road is narrow, busy, and doesn’t have much of a shoulder, so pulling over would be very dangerous.

Would you stop and try to find out what’s inside the "The Mysterious Box by the Side of The Road®?"

There is currently a pipe-bomber running amok.

Do Not Pick Up Any Mysterious Packages Of Any Kind Anywhere. Do Not Encourage Others To Do So.

Thank you.

I know a guy who does a lot of highway driving, and collects photos of strange accidents and incidents on the highways. One time he heard on the traffic report that one of those “roach coach” snack trucks had rolled over, causing a major backup. So he headed to the accident scene to get a photo. By the time he got there, it had been cleared away, but the cleanup crew had left a huge box containing dozens of unopened bags of potato chips. My friend loaded the box into his car, and had potato chips with lunch every day for a year. So I guess sometimes it pays to check on strange highway boxes.

-Andrew L

Bomb, or no bomb…

I don’t think I want to know what is inside that damn box. OTOH I can’t stand not knowing. sigh… all I know is that it will not be MSK who does the inspection. :::shudder:::

AFAIC there are far worse things that could be inside the box than a pipe-bomb. I will leave to your imagination to figure out what those things could be. :frowning:

It’s been there for a year? My guess would be decomposing pineapple mush.

Oh, there’s always a pipe-bomber or similar terrorist running amok. :wink:

If you get close, and it smells bad, then I’d worry. But any human flesh will probably have been devoured by bugs and maggots by now, leaving some nice clean bones.

Aren’t you in the States? Then go grab a gun and blow it to smithereens if you’re worried.

Otherwise just call the cops and tell them you saw somebody suspicious drop the box there.

Mysterious Box on the Side of the Road!
-only $14.95-

Warning: Pregnant women, the elderly and children under 10 should avoid prolonged exposure to Mysterious Box on the Side of the Road.
Caution: Mysterious Box on the Side of the Road may suddenly accelerate to dangerous speeds.
Mysterious Box on the Side of the Road contains a liquid core, which, if exposed due to rupture, should not be touched, inhaled, or looked at.
Do not use Mysterious Box on the Side of the Road on concrete.

Discontinue use of Mysterious Box on the Side of the Road if any of the following occurs:
Tingling in extremities
Loss of balance or coordination
Slurred speech
Temporary blindness
Profuse sweating
Heart palpitations

If Mysterious Box on the Side of the Road begins to smoke, get away immediately. Seek shelter and cover head.
Mysterious Box on the Side of the Road may stick to certain types of skin.

When not in use, Mysterious Box on the Side of the Road should be returned to its special container and kept under refrigeration…

Failure to do so relieves the makers of Mysterious Box on the Side of the Road, Wacky Products Incorporated, and its parent company Global Chemical Unlimited, of any and all liability.

Ingredients of Mysterious Box on the Side of the Road include an unknown glowing substance which fell to Earth, presumably from outer space.

Mysterious Box on the Side of the Road has been shipped to our troops in Saudi Arabia and is also being dropped by our warplanes on Iraq.

Do not taunt Mysterious Box on the Side of the Road.

Mysterious Box on the Side of the Road comes with a lifetime guarantee.

Mysterious Box on the Side of the Road


Are they Dole or Del Monte pineapples?

ResIpsaLoquitor, that rocked. Excellent disclaimer!

It’s the guilt of the guy who left it there. With a heavy coating of MSK curiosity.

And a brick.

If you open it, the brick will fly out and knock off your glasses, and you’ll be forced to wait there until someone who can see gives you a ride.

Don’t ask me how I know, I just know.


Unfortunately, by posting this, you just commited yourself to opening the box…I need to know now…

It’s been there a year. Wouldn’t the pineapples be gone by now? It seems like they should have decomposed and the acid would have eaten through at least part of the box. It would be empty enough for the wind to blow it away by now.

If it were a pipe bomb the vibrations from the traffic should have caused it to blow by now. Or at least an animal nudging it it should have caused it blow. I bet if it’s a bomb it’s a dud and most likely safe.

Any biological matter would have also decomposed, attracted animals and disturbed the box. Something would have clawed at it during the year.

I bet it fell off the back of a truck during a move. It’s probably filled with some books or magazines. Something heavy that wouldn’t decompose or attract animals.

Why hasn’t the state troopers, police or roadside clean up opened the box? That’s the million dollar question.

I stopped to find out what was in a mysterious box by the side of the road once. Well, actually it was a suitcase.

It was about 11:00 at night, I was in the car with my sister and her boyfriend, and we passed a suitcase lying by the side of a busy highway outside of town. We debated whether or not to turn back and see what it was…finally, we decided to satisfy our curiosity.

I, being the oldest and least squeamish about finding something really, really bad (which is not to say I wasn’t squeamish, I was actually really quite nervous about the whole thing), was chosen to investigate the abandoned suitcase.

So, I got out of the car and walked over. I bent down to grab the suitcase handle, intending to carry it over into the headlights, when suddenly the suitcase slid away from me into the ditch. I jumped back, screaming, and ran back towards the car.

Then I heard giggling coming from the bushes in the ditch.


I haven’t been by the spot where TMBBTSOTR was, for a week or so. I dunno if it’s still there or not. Hmmm… (me has to go out anyways…)

And so, MagicalSilverKey was never heard from again. Despite many warnings from his friends and colleagues at the Straight Dope, he ventured off in search of the contents of the Mysterious Box By the Side of the Road ®. He never returned. The authorities never found his body, and although a reasonable estimate of the box’s location was found, there was no sign of the beloved Doper.

Meanwhile, scientists have become fascinated by a new rupture in the space-time continuum, discovered at the box’s location.

I for one am going to be very disappointed if it’s just a bunch of rotted pineapples…

I’ve been wondering where I left that box.

Let’s hear some testimonials:

“I was drowning in a sea of credit card debt, but then I found “The Mysterious Box by the Side of The Road[sup]TM[/sup]” and although I’m still in debt, my credit is ruined, and there’s a family of racoons living in my crawlspace, those problems all seem trivial now! Thanks Mysterious Box by the Side of The Road[sup]TM[/sup]!!”

“When I noticed that my hair was thinning I went to my doctor, and he recommended, “The Mysterious Box by the Side of The Road[sup]TM[/sup]”. With the money I won from the malpractice suit I can now afford hair plugs! Thank you Mysterious Box by the Side of The Road[sup]TM[/sup]!!”

“Shaving my legs left me with stubbly bumps and razor burn. Waxing was too painfull and depilitory creams gave me a rash. That’s when I discovered The Mysterious Box by the Side of The Road[sup]TM[/sup]!!” I’ll never go back to harsh hair removal treatments again!


I swear, if he ever mated with Don Lapre, their kids would explode.

I went down that road today. The Mysterious Box by the Side of The Road® is gone!!! We will never know what was inside. :frowning: