…he heard the sound of a craking branch and looked up in time to see the sex chair rip from its mounting, throwing his wife and the pizza boy violently to the ground.
Suddenly, he heard a rumbling in his stomach and a pain. “Oh, crap, not again”, he said, as he began to…
Oh crap not again, he said as he began to taste delivery boy spunk AGAIN
It seems the sex-swing gave way at a most unfortunate time just as the boy toy was acheiving climax and his juices were flung far and wide.
“I’m not going through THIS again” John shouted as he reached in his pants and pulled out…
“Oh crap, not again,” he said, as he began to transform into the Incredible Hulk. Well, that’s what he preferred to call himself, but in actuality he was closer to the Incredible Nerd. Zits popped out all over his face, a pocket protector full of pens suddenly sprouted in his pocket, and his arms and legs shrunk to pasty white noodle-like proportions. “Why am I transforming now?” He asked himself. “Is there some kind of computer emergency I need to solve? I already fixed the damn Y2K bug!” But slowly the truth began to dawn on him …
a tin of Altoids mints. The cool refreshing taste soon set his palate at ease. He ran over to check on the pizza boy and his wife, who might have been injured by the fall. They seemed fine, yet dazed. Not dazed, hypnotized! Through some strange cosmic quirk, the fall had scrambled their brains enough that they were in a state of full, complete hypnosis, willing and able to obey his every command. “What should I ask them to?” mused John. “I think I’ll…”
and looked up in time to see…
The cryogenically frozen head of Walt Disney!
“No!” the newt screemed. Unfortunatly, Walt Disney couldn’t understand him because the newtspeak translated into English as “please eat me Mr. Big Floating Disembodied Frozen Head.”
Too bad for the newt. For Walt Disney floated down, opened up his mouth and…
Walt Disney floated down and said Ok this thread is rapidly splintering. Why do I have to fix EVERYTHING?
The truth began to dawn on him that even a whole a tin of altoids mints wouldn’t fix his bad breath. He looked at the pizza boy and John’s wife and commanded them to come over and brush his teeth now, and get John’s teeth while you’re at it. New toothbrushes, please.
Ok everybody happy now? Well your happiness will be short lived indeed when you see what is in this…
“opened up his mouth and said…I can’t possible eat you Incredible Nerd who sometimes looks like a newt. However, I will take one of those Altoids.” In no time the curiously strong peppermint caused Walt’s disembodied head to explode, allowing John to turn his attentions back to his wife and fornicating/masturbating piza delivery man.
The truth dawned on him. “I think I’ll convince them that they are a couple of Jehovahs Witnesses and send them door to door.”
Immediately, they sprang up and…
Immediately, they sprang up and stuffed copies of The Watchtower into the now-empty briefcase. The pizza boy emerged and wrestled all six of them to the ground.
Seizing the briefcase, he turned the combination to 4-5-6 and opened it again. This time it revealed…
This time it revealed more nude pictures of Zsa Zsa Gabor. But this time, instead of a goo, there was an envelope. Looking inside the envelope he found a letter. A look of horro appeared on his face. The letter he had found was the missing clue to…
The letter he had found was the missing clue to deciphring the diary of Cookie Monster, which was written in Old Swedish. According to the notes, Cookie Monster was the one who actually invented the sex chair. A particularly interesting entry described the time he and Praire Dawn…
deciphering
…found Bert and Ernie in a compromising situation, but that’s not important right now, John thought. It seems a strange reaction to the hulk/nerd-newt-hypnosis was that the idiot-adultering-pizza-boy and Susan were now attracted to scaly zits and were busily picking at anything resembling…
the idiot-adultering-pizza-boy and Susan were now attracted to scaly zits and were busily picking at anything resembling…
…puss bags. Which is why they tackled the Jehovah’s Witnesses as they appeared at the door. “You’re so handsome,” screamed Susan. “The two of you in your pasty, sweat stained short sleeved dress shirts. Take me now! Make me scream Yaweh’s name until I’m hoarse with the moans of rapture.”
The pizza boy would have none of that. Pulling out a .45 magnum, he shot each twice of them twice in the head. “Damn fundies,” he muttered. “Think they’re better than me because they wear a cleaner uniform. We have to hide them, Sue. But where?”
Where indeed. The falling branch had awakened the neighbors, who had called the fire department and the FBI, thinking a UFO was involved…the neighbors weren’t too bright. When Mulder showed up, all he seemed interested in was the swing and some porn tucked in the idiot-adultering-pizza boys car and pretty much ignored all else. The firemen, who all seemed to know Susan from somewhere or another, wept at her death, wailing something about her “Brazilian pretzel leg clam dance.” Building a pyre right there in the front yard they…
.45 magnum? Is there such a thing?
Building a pyre right there in the front yard they called upon the great Disney God, Walt, to grant them superhuman powers to be used for vengeance. Thunder filled the air. The clouds parted. Squinting, through the haze, they were able to make out the head of…Jim Henson. “Sorry, wrong story,” he roared. Well not exactly roared. More like a kind of a deep purring. But with words. In a flash, he disappeared, leaving behind…
In a flash, he diappeared, leaving behind a stick of dynamite. The firemen, determined to get revenge on the pizza boy, tied him up with their fire hose and then stuck the dynamite into…
Stuck the dynomite into …
A birthday cake, and said “Make a wish.”
The pizza boy was not fooled. He hawked up a fantastic loogie and doused the sputtering fuse of the stick of TNT.
Laughing, he said …
Laughing, he said, “Whoa. Look at all the tar the came with that loogie. I’ve gotta quit smoking so much.” Then an idea came. A lightbulb appeared above his head, blinding everyone around him. The lightbulb shattered, sending shards of glass through the fire hose, breaking it, and leaving him miraculously unscathed. Grabbing his briefcase, he…
Laughing he said “Fools! When John opened my briefcase before, the scary thing wasn’t the naked Zsa Zsa pictures - which I swear I was holding them for a friend - but something far more lethal. The second that top sprung open, a top secret spore was released into the environment.”
With that he slipped out of the fireman’s hoses, ran to the house, grabbed the swing, and as he made his escape shouted "look over there. Already you can see that the spore has…