Grabbing his briefcase,he…
tried to make a run for it. However, he tripped over the shreds of fire hose that were left behind. The firemen were not amused at his petty attempt at freedom. In a fit of rage, they pinned him down to the ground and beat him mercilessly. After they decided he had enough, they got up, cleaned up what remained of the mess, and all of a sudden…
…the mutant spore cloud flowed about them, encompassing all in the yard. The idiot-adultering-bad-shot-loogie-hawking-terrorist-pizza-boy, lying crumped on the ground, struggled to rise, only to hear the splintering <crack> of his femur as it snapped under his weight. The spore cloud, sensing the release of blood, descended onto the hapless form, ensconcing him in an amber cloud. The effect was immediate, he jumped, whirled and bucked, but the cloud held him tight, in it’s deadly embrace, draining the very life from him while it began turning into…
draining the very life from him while it began turning into…
A half-hidden driveway about two blocks away from John’s house. The cloud stopped like a frantic taxicab, right next to the entrance of the mansion. The pizza boy started to struggle out, and was assisted into the plush mansion by a uniformed nurse. She gave him a potent painkiller. When he regained consciousness he had the briefcase, locked again with him and noticed where he was:
…and he noticed where he was. He was in a strange room cloaked in secrecy. There was a nondescript man sitting on a chair in the foyer. He knew the man looked familiar, but where had he seen him before?
Where?
It came to him in a flash, this man is Ed Zotti.
And if Ed was here could HE be here too?
At just that moment, a man who had been standing in the shadows stepped forward.
“Cecil, No!!” Ed cried out
Then the pizza boy froze in horror when he saw Cecil’s face for only then he knew that Cecil was actually…
…mild-mannered Clark Kent, reporter for a metropolitan newspaper. But near him was an older man Clark kept calling “Perry,” who glowered furiously at the pizza boy, who, despite his leg–now ensconced in a plaster cast–sensed that he was in deeeeeeeeep trouble now, because…
deeeeeeeeep trouble now, because Perry said, “You’re in deeeeeeeeep trouble now.” He always was a sharp kid. The man called Perry stepped toward him, carrying something in his hand. Squinting in the darkness, he was able to make out a ‘Lady Remington’ electric razor. “Wha wha what are you going to do with that?”, he asked. With a roarous laugh, Perry said…
Squinting in the darkness, he was able to make out a ‘Lady Remington’ electric razor. “Wha wha what are you going to do with that?”, he asked. With a roarous laugh, Perry said, "I know about your severe alergy to pet fur, Pizza Boy! So I’m going to shave this Yorkshire Terrier bald and fill the air with animal dander. You’ll be sneezing your head off in no time. “Nooooo!”, the pizza boy screamed piteously, but Clark/Cecil held him back as Perry began to shave the terrier. Soon the pizza boy was having a sneezing fit so bad that he jumped through a window to get away. Amid the shards of broken glass, the pizza boy landed in…
Amid the shards of broken glass, the pizza boy landed in…
a discarded Hefty Bag filled with cat fur.
“Jesus H.,” he lamented, “I hate irony.”
As his entire body swelled up due to the allergic reaction, he ran back to the weird house where the whole sordid adventure began. He was overtaken with shock as he opened the front door …
He was overtaken with shock as he opened the front door and saw John, his clown-nun first wife, and the firemen, all polishing medieval broadswords. He knew they were coming after him, because they were all saying “Let’s get that idiot-adultering-bad-shot-loogie-hawking-terrorist-alergy-swollen pizza-boy.” I tell you, that boy was a sharp one. In addition, the clown-nun had replaced the loogie-covered fuse on the dynamite with a fresh, new fuse (who would have guessed that she used to be a demolitions expert?) The pizza boy turned and ran as fast as he could, which wasn’t very fast considering that his leg was still in a cast. Thus, the spore cloud had no problem overtaking him and lifting him off the ground. The pizza boy could clearly see that the spore cloud was taking him…
…the spore cloud was taking him to the Copacabana, for drinks and dancing. It had been a long time since the spore cloud had been out on the town, and let’s face it, spore clouds rarely have dance partners.
Upon arrival, however, they were met by a bouncer with a Hoover, who quickly made short work of the spore cloud.
The idiot-adultering-bad-shot-loogie-hawking-terrorist-allergy-swollen-dance-partnerless pizza-boy thought he was finally home free and on his way to satisfying more housewives, when all of a sudden…
When all of a sudden…
A sudden pain in his groin seized him with a vice like grip. As he looked downhe discovered that the demolition expert Nun has clenched his testicles in her man-hand grip. She stared intently into the bewildered and pained Boy’s eyes and utter the words that would make him revaluate his essence and reason for being.
This monsterous words were…
…and uttered the words that would make him reevaluate his essence and reason for being.
The monstrous words were…
“I’M GONNA BLOW YOU UNTIL YOUR EYES POP OUT!!!”
At this his hair stood on end in fright, and, since she had pulled his pants down as she spoke, he got an instant erection and squirted about a quarter-cup of semen into her face. “Me and my big mouth,” she muttered.
The pizza boy now laughed hysterically. All the same, he and she both knew for certain that now they…
…weren’t in Kansas anymore, in fact, neither of them had any clue where the hell they were! Opening a window, they spotted a bulldozer heading toward the house…
The pizza boy now laughed hysterically. All the same, he and she both knew for certain that now they…
had to do something drastic to renew interest in this story. At this moment, there was a loud clap of thunder inside the Copacabana. The clown-nun-demolition-expert then realized that she had just violated her vow of celibacy. Sure enough, a bolt of lightning shot out of the ceiling and struck her right on the backside. She screamed and jumped about eight feet into the air. The pizza boy would have laughed at this, except that she landed right on top of him. As she picked herself up and apologized to the Almighty, she realized that the lightning had lit the fuse on her stick of dynamite! Acting purely on instinct, clown-nun threw the dynamite directly at…
Acting purely on instinct, clown-nun threw the dynamite directly at…
…an invisible Dan Rather who was standing nearby. The invisible Dan Rather, whom no one had yet noticed for the obvious reason that he was invisible, was just starting to speak.
“Good evening. The latest polls put tomorrow’s elections in a statistical – holy shit, it’s dynamite! Aaaauuugghhh!”
The invisible Dan Rather exploded, making a large and fortunately invisible mess. No one said “John, what’s that on your sleeve? It looks like part of Dan Rather.”
However, a strange chemical reaction did occur when a small invisible blob landed on one of the photographs. The picture started to change…
The picture started to change into portable CD player and a copy of “Chant.” This caught the attention of the clown-nun-demolitions expert and she forgot about the pizza boy, deciding instead to enjoy the soothing melodies of mass-marketed Gregorian chanting. The pizza boy quickly slipped out of the Copacabana and went to the bouncer to get his spore cloud back. He knew that his employers would be upset if he didn’t deliver it as expected. He found the bouncer, but the vaccuum with the spore cloud in it was nowhere to be seen. “Right after you came in,” the bouncer explained, “some guy with a well-polished medieval broadsword forced me to give him my vacuum cleaner. It was the strangest thing…” “Oh, great!” the pizza boy whined. He started walking back to John’s house, curious as to what an ex-CIA-agent-widower yuppie would want with his spore cloud. On the way back, he spotted the bulldozer he had noticed earlier. To his complete and utter surprise, the bulldozer was being driven by…
…into a camel. No one knew why, it was just one of those things. The distant rumbling of the bulldozer continued, but, again, no one paid attention, though it might just be important. In fact, it seemed everyone was heading to a pub for a beer. Everyone except john, who had tripped on something he had no way of knowing was the invisible head of Mr. Rather, but that’s not really important. What is important, is the color of the bruise John found forming on his ear (as a result of his fall). It was the most intreguing color of…
What is important, is the color of the bruise John found forming on his ear (as a result of his fall). It was the most intreguing color of…
plaid. He pulled out his well-polished broadsword so he could look at the bruise in its reflection. “Damn! I’m going to have to see the doctor about that tomorrow. I hope that those spores don’t have anything to do with it. Now that the spore cloud is safe at my house, I can finally fulfill my lifelong dream. Yes! HaHaHa! It’s Miller time!” He re-sheathed his sword (he was hiding it inside his coat, like they do on The Highlander) and headed off toward the pub. As he passed the Copacabana he spotted the Pizza Boy, who was still getting over the shock of seeing a bulldozer driven by…
…he spotted the Pizza Boy, who was still getting over the shock of seeing a bulldozer driven by
…what appeared to be a table lamp. The lamp was not a very good bulldozer driver, was probably drunk, and couldn’t see very well owing to the nighttime and the fact that neither the bulldozers headlights nor the lamp itself were turned on.
In any case, it accelerated towards a tree, missed the tree at the last moment and proceeded to demolish a nearby Buick. It backed up, and hit the tree with the side opposite the plow. Walnuts fell out, as did the nun/demolition expert’s backup agent.
She picked herself up, turned on the table lamp (interesting, since it wasn’t plugged in), and removed a 20mm cannon from inside her habit.
The noise of the bulldozer caused both John and the pizza boy to look around. The bulldozer started again, this time toward the pizza boy. John drew his sword again and faced the second nun terrorist, who aimed the cannon back at him. The pizza boy jumped onto the camel and…