Most of the women I’ve dated/slept with/made friends with I met in a bar. Usually as a result of asking them to dance. A club with a dance floor provides a built-in excuse to break the ice, by saying “Hi there, you wanna dance?” And dancing is a good way to interact without having to constantly think of things to say. The trouble is, most of the time the women are just dancing with each other, while the guys stand around the perimeter like dopes. And they keep the wagons circled off the floor too, making it very difficult for a guy by himself to cut one from the herd. After hundreds of visits I’ve accumulated some moderate success, and yet in all this time I can count on the fingers of one hand the number of women who’ve asked me to dance. Whatsupwidat?
Maybe what I’m asking (you’d think I would know…) is more along the following lines.
Let’s say the human race is divided between the Romantics (see OP for definition) and…everyone else. 5% vs. 95%
The 95% go out to bars/clubs with some regularity for various reasons–sex, socializing, seeing friends, killing time, drinking, maybe finding a possible mate who will fulfill that role on a pragmatic sort of level (pleasant, good in bed, solvent, etc.).
The 5% go out to bars/clubs now and then, generally dislike the experience and environment, try hard not to show how much they are disliking it, and spend their time trying to find ways to detect others who are like themselves.
Added factor: the 95%-ers think they OUGHT to be 5%-ers, and so try to present themselves as such.
(…Are you beginning to get the idea I’ve been burned a little?..)
Seems like, on the basis of the math alone, on any given night I’m probably the only one out “of my kind.”
Most of the responses don’t quite make clear whether the bar/club scene is just not suitable for those who, like I, are immersed in the strange pathology of romance-hunger. (It’s not just whether you met your boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife there, but also whether you are a Romantic or not.)
Yes, this thread is self-indulgent…but after all, no one HAS to respond…
Dad met Mom at the neighborhood bar (leading to a 35 year marriage). Mom was with friends, Dad sitting at the bar alone. One friend recognized Dad as the guy who lived down the hall in her apt. bldg and invited him to join them.
There has been some teasing in the family as to whether this constitutes being picked up in a bar or not.
Scott, (the person I thought you were is named Scott too, mind you different last name)
Why don’t you make your odds more favorable?
Avoid the bars.
Go to places where YOU genuinely like to be. Chances are the people there are more likely wanting to be there too (not this pretending to be having a good time but really not act).
seems like you are starting to find real love using a mask.
why not try to start things off genuine?
As many stories you will hear about couples meeting in a bar, you will hear about couples meeting in unconvential places.
Scott, let me just say I know where you are coming from. Reading your frustrations took me back, as I echoed exactly those same words. Here are a few things I have picked up since I finally got over the whole bar thing that is holding you back:
-First off, don’t dismiss the bar people so easily. True, most of them aren’t going to be the type of people you will experience that immediate, uncontrollable attraction to. But remember this, YOU are there, so it is possible that someone sharing your exact same feelings was dragged in by their friends just like you. Find her (or him).
-If you want to swear off the bar scene altogether, try things like art exhibits/gallery openings, intimate music venues, day adventure groups (like hiking or backpacking groups), the gym/health club, volunteer projects…anything that interests you. Now, you may find that the majority of people you meet at these things may not be looking for a partner, are married or already seeing someone. Don’t let that deter you though, as others have said, these people have friends, relatives, acquantainces who are single and looking. In fact, I met someone by asking out a woman who said, “Thanks, but I’m seeing someone. If you are interested, my sister is single and you look just like her type.” Turned out she was just my type too, and we hit it off. These types of activities are far more productive and emotionally fulfilling than spending 3 nights a week at a bar, so even if you don’t find someone right away, it will be easier to keep trying.
I hope this helps, and yes, it is easier said than done, but something this important deserves your best effort, don’t you think?
Me, walking up with friend to girls:
“Hi, do you live here?”
Me asking second question:
“So do you like drinking…do you dance at all?”
Note, girls have drinks and there is no dance area here in this bar.
Me, quiet for a few minutes then goes back to table, head down in shame.
Yep, I pretty much don’t like bars to pick up girls. I say if you are comfortable picking up others in bars, go ahead. But if you have any anxiety or if it’s a chore, don’t bother.
Thanks, y’all!