Mod Note:
Edited out the username of the other person in the conversation from Sicks Ate’s post above.
ETA2: Edited out his own username as well.
- Gukumatz,
GR & IMHO Moderator
Mmk. Here we go:
me 2/20/2012 10:07:16 PM
Just not what I’m looking for?
her 2/20/2012 10:08:42 PM
Works for me…thanks for honest.
her 2/20/2012 10:11:52 PM
Although not sure how a profile told you that…I can respect it.
Ummmm, because that’s the basic purpose of a profile: It gives you an idea whether the person is what you’re looking for or not.
Christ.
I know a lot of people who have active accounts on POF, OkCupid etc and many of them will chat through the site with people they know IRL, who they have no intention of dating. I don’t see anything ‘creepy’ about the conversation she tried to start with you.
If (let’s play a game) I were a woman and she were a man, and (s)he persisted after I obviously was not interested in interacting in that medium, would it be creepy?
Another vote for not creepy.
In my book it’s not ‘creepy’ if someone you know IRL wants to talk to you on the internet. I’m a newly single woman and I have some male Facebook friends I know casually IRL who keep initiating chats with me. I’m often not interesting in carrying on a real conversation with them for various reasons and I’m sure that’s clear, but I’m certainly not creeped out that they’re trying to talk to me. As long as they don’t say anything weird or inappropriate or like message me every day… that would be creepy.
Sounds like she was interested, and then when finding out you weren’t was asking for some constructive critique, and got treated like crap as a result. Perhaps it was the very reason you treated her so coolly she was especially curious why.
“Just not what I am looking for?” complete with a question mark does not specify why you weren’t interested, it’s condescending and nothing more.
If I were she I would consider this a favor; having the cat out of the bag so early on, so to speak. Be careful not to fall off of that horse, Sicks Ate, it’s a long way down.
It’s not FB. You don’t find it odd that people you don’t actively respond to keep trying to start chats?
You’re right. I should have possibly answered ‘because we work together’. I didn’t realize that this comment came off quite so insensitive. I didn’t take the follow-up comments as requests for constructive criticism.
We aren’t friends IRL.
Ok, it’s apparent I’m considering a totality of events that are not reflected in the posted exchange. Obviously from my POV, things are a little different that they are from yours because I have other experiences to draw from.
I honestly do wonder if the gender were flipped if the reaction would be a tad different. I was uncomfortable with the exchange, as I have been uncomfortable with the person IRL. That certainly translated into how I handled the situation.
Still, it’s rare that I get a near-unanimous smack-down anywhere, so I will take it.
I’m with you on this one. Well, not sure if I think it’s ‘creepy’, but she certainly isn’t taking the hint. I think that given that she’s a co-worker you couldn’t just tell her to bug off, but the fact that you didn’t engage should have clued her in that you weren’t interested and left it at that. I do not, however, think you were being insensitive, nor do I think she was looking for constructive criticism.
I would have said it was because we work together and left it at that because that isn’t something that could be debated. Though why people debate when turned down I don’t know - I certainly wouldn’t want to date someone I had to convince to go out with me.
Can you block people from contacting you on POF? If so, just block her and if she brings it up at work (:eek:) then just tell her that you are really not comfortable with combining your working world with your dating world and you’d appreciate it if she respected that.
Add me to the non-smack-down list: if a co-worker who I recognized but wasn’t friendly with found my OKC profile and suddenly sent me an “I like you why don’t you like me” chat message, I would be pretty uncomfortable.
Thanks for the support 
IMessaged her this morning to apologize for being short. She replied that she hadn’t taken it that way, n/p etc.
I keep meaning to share my tale of “meh” about the three OKC messages that I got last week:[ul][li]Guy #1 lives 50 miles away (even though my profile specifies that I’m only interested in locals) and sent me what seemed like a form letter.[/li][li]Guy #2’s entire message was “You look like Peggy Olson from Mad Men” (WTF? No, I don’t, and what am I supposed to do with that comment; was it a compliment??).[/li][li]Guy #3’s entire message was “hi” (even though my profile also specifically asks for people to say more than just “hi”).[/ul]I sent a polite “thanks but no thanks” to Guy #1, and ignored the other two. Sigh.[/li]
I haven’t written to the guy who messaged me in November yet: I keep thinking that I’m on the verge of some kind of closure with the guy I know IRL, but weeks keep passing with no change. I want to feel like I know what going on with IRL guy before I write to OKC guy, but my patience might run out soon…and in the meantime I’ve started to flirt a little with another IRL guy. 
(Having three possibilities like this – however remote each/any of them might be – is so not like me! I don’t know where this sudden mojo came from, but I like it. :D)
This is based on absolutely nothing (except possibly my own cynicism), but I don’t believe her. There was definitely something a bit “off” about that IM exchange, so I think you did well to stay on her good side.
If you find out, you’ll let the rest of us know, right?
Of course.
I’m nothing if not cynical, so that may color my judgment, but yeah, what she said.
I think if nothing has been going anywhere with IRL guy for a matter of weeks…probably not going to change? Flirt away!
Advice taken…I will be watching myself and be sure to not get in the middle of anything.
Also, I remembered one instance where I don’t blink an eye when it comes to the bill for a first date: If she has to get a sitter.
Well, it’s complicated. Of course. There are mitigating circumstances (no, not a divorce), and things will change eventually – there’s just no way to know when. He’s frustrated with his situation, too, but lately I’ve been making it clear that I’m not willing/able to be in “limbo” any more. So yes, I will flirt away. 
I saw both IRL guys on Monday night (not dates, just a jazz thing we all went to)…that was interesting. It made my head hurt a little, actually, because they are completely different types: it’s quite rare for me to be interested in more than guy at a time, and when I saw them together I was really struck by how different they are.
Gallant, but IMHO paying for a sitter is part of being able to date: it should be an expected/assumed expense, just like paying for half the bill. I don’t expect single dads to pay for less than their share on a first date, just like I wouldn’t expect a guy who makes less than me to pay for less than his share.
Hm, yeah… I donno. Being a single parent, even though I only have custody half of the time, I can see how having a child full time would make it very difficult to date. Hell, it makes it a little tricky at 1/2 time, since I will not get a sitter on my nights or weekends with him to go on a date.
I may be completely misguided, but I assure you it’s not out of a crusade of chivalry. One way I look at it is that someone with a kid is willing to pay for a sitter so that they can give me a shot. That’s more significant to me that someone who can immediately drop everything and date me without much of a second thought.
OTOH, they may be dropping the child off at a relative and cost them nothing. And I’m not saying that I will flat refuse if they offer to split the bill, but it wouldn’t burn my ass if they didn’t offer.
Could be 'way off base, though
I could be way off base, too, but no one else is posting right now so I’ll keep presenting my (possibly warped) POV… 
I totally agree that being a single parent – full-time or part-time – makes dating even more of a pain in the ass: I’m not a parent myself, but I’ve dated single dads* and I’ve had single-parent friends. I’m just saying that the costs associated with having a child should have no bearing on whether someone is expected to pay their way on a first date. A woman with a kid isn’t willing to pay for a sitter so that she can give you a shot: she has to pay for a sitter if she wants to give anyone a shot. Know what I mean?
Once you get past that first date there’s room to accomodate imbalances like that, but I feel like if I’m not expecting to pay my own way – and expecting the guy to pay his own way – on a first date, then I’m not approaching him as an equal. That early in the game, our respective financial/family situations should make no difference (except when it comes to being flexible with regards to scheduling).
*Both IRL guys are dads: one has an 18-year-old, but his ex has had full custody for a while (due to the nature of his work, not his fitness/willingness to be a parent); the other has his 8-year-old 50% of the time. Just one of the ways in which these guys are very different.
So my ex-wife…my ex-wife that cheated on me and then moved in with the guy she left me for…my ex-wife that I still work with just stopped over. Wanted to tell me that she has the opportunity for a new job. She wanted to know my opinion about leaving our store. Her new job would have all kinds of odd hours that would require me to pick up a lot of slack WRT our daughter and she wanted my input on how we would handle her absence at work as well as how well I thought our daughter could handle the screwy schedule. She also wanted to let me know that if she took this job one of the things that would change, due to her schedule, would be that he (that’s what I call him) would have to drop off our daughter at my house some of the times since she would likely be at work. She’s been with him for, well, since we split up (and who knows how long before that) and I have yet to meet him*. The closest I’ve been to that is seeing him from my house when he’s in the car and my ex runs up to the door with the kid.
…Oh, and she’s getting married in December.
FTR, I’m not looking for advice, I just wanted to get it out of my system. 'Tis all.
*I’m well aware that being that there’s a kind that goes back and forth, managing to go two and half years without meeting the ex’s SO is pretty good. I knew this would happen sooner or later. Might as well get it over with. It’s not like I have to spend time with him, just a quick “Hi” or “thanks” as he drops off my daughter.