Quick note to say that it looks like I’ll be a lurker rather than a contributor here, for the next bit at least–I finally met someone on OKC who seems to like me and who seems pretty cool herself. Only issue is her two kids live at home, and they aren’t kids --they’re young grownups and don’t seem to want to move out any time soon, so there’s never any privacy at her place. But there’s plenty chez moi, so that might work out.
Also she has a cat and a dog, but doesn’t seem over-attached to either. So I think I’ve sidestepped another big issue for me. (Despite all my bad pub as an animal-hater around here, I don’t expect a problem just because she has pets. I didn’t notice them walking on kitchen counters or filthifying her eating areas generally.) it is a gigantic relief not to be internet-dating any more–it was starting to get to me.
I think I get that. While someone without children may like kids and understand in a general sort of way that you being a dad will mean X and Y, they won’t really know what it means until they date you for a while; someone who already has kids will skip that initial learning curve. Right?
I guess my equivalent to that is music: I have no problem dating non-musicians, but another musician – especially a working one – will already understand what it means to me and why I might not be available some Friday/Saturday nights.
That reminds me of the only guy I’ve ever had to block on OKC: I had a profile up that clearly stated that I didn’t want to have children and wasn’t looking to get married, among other things. A guy wrote to me who thought I sounded just “perfect,” but his profile was unbearably pretentious so I sent back a “thanks so much for writing, I’m flattered but I just don’t think we’re a good match” reply. His response was to get angry and defensive, and say that he was sure I was really just trolling for a husband so that I could start popping out kids. :rolleyes: I ignored that message, but about 6 months later he wrote to me again: that time he informed me that our previous interaction didn’t lead to a connection because of a misunderstanding on my part, and he said that I should check out his updated profile. That’s when I blocked him.
Do you find that it’s just a learning curve thing (i.e., they’re willing/able to “get” it, they just have to adjust), or that it’s more about how those women see kids (e.g., they never seem to understand why someone else’s fever means you have to break a date)?
It’s definitely not always easy, especially if I’m interested in seeing the guy again but I’m not sure how he feels. Coming up with the right wording and the right tone to give him an easy “out” while also indicating my interest can take some finesse…sometimes I botch it completely! But it’s always worth it, IMO.
There have only been two times when, at the end of the date, the guy wanted to see me again but I wasn’t interested. That’s the worst, but I feel that manning up (if you will) is way better for both of us. I’m careful about it, and one of the guys told me that he really appreciated my honesty and frankness. (The other guy had built up a relationship in his mind before we even met, and actually cried. Oy.)
In situations where the disinterest was mutual, I could always tell that the guy was relieved when I said, “Thanks for meeting me; have a nice life.”
And in those rare situations where the first date is undeniably awesome, what’s a better way to end it than by not having to wonder whether you’re going to see that person again?
I guess that’s the part I don’t get. I also don’t care whether someone has favorited me, and I kind of hate winks. In fact, those last two tend to negatively affect my opinion of a guy: it’s like if he sent a friend over to me at a bar instead of just talking to me himself. If you’re interested in me, write to me!
2544 posts read in less than 24 hours, with not much skimming. Ouch.
To everyone who has posted in this thread (with few exceptions - those who dropped in only to be nasty) I thank you for the eye opening and candid discussions. These are the reasons why I enjoy the Dope so much, I genuinely feel like I’ve learned something.
I don’t really worry about someone having to learn that thee are just things in my life that will have to take priority, or that changes will have to be made at the last minute.
What I really mean is that simply having your own child…I didn’t realize it until I had one, but you can’t relate if you don’t. Even if you are close to friends’ children, or nieces/nephews, I just don’t think it’s the same.
It’s one thing to relate a story about your kid to someone without kids of their own. It might seem neat, or cute, or perhaps weird. To someone with their own, particularly if theirs have already been through the same phase, they know exactly what you’re talking about.
It also, in my experience, gives you a default to talk about. Not that you want to talk about your kids all the time because that gets old, but you definitely have something in common.
You’re welcome, I think. Seems like maybe you were in ‘need answer fast’ mode?
Just curious, what were some of the major points you picked up?
No, not yet. In fact many of my current troubles revolve around re-entering the dating scene too quickly with a huge dash of bad luck / poor decisions which are bringing me to my current state of 2nd divorce. So I intend to be a bit slow & methodical as I re-enter the world again.
Very much thank you to all. No snark.
The bigget thing I saw as I blasted through two years of posts was that long term trends are not apparent in the short term, that certain levels of failure are par for the course but do not represent a lack of self worth, that my intention to ease back in at a pace that I want is the correct thing to do, and that really that life will be waiting for me when I am ready - no need to rush.
Four years ago I was separated on the way to divorce #1 when I began dating, and the first person I got involved with (through involved circumstance - broke my leg, etc..) we ended up together then getting married in Dec. 2009. Never should have happened, hindsight being what it is.
No, there was no needs answer fast. I am sorting through some emotional bs right now so the stories of others remind me I am not alone, life moves on and all will work out. I am a huge optimist at heart, but sometimes I need a little boost. This thread was very helpful that way.
Heck I’ll probably start adding my 2 cents at times, I do know a little something about relationships with 15 & 4 year experiences.
Oh, it’s definitely not the same – and now I get that that’s what you meant by “understanding what it means to have a kid.” Thanks for being patient enough to keep explaining!
Stop by any time, and don’t be afraid to vent if/when needed. We’re good at boosting.
Well, some of us are.
Oh, I didn’t take it as snark! And the ‘need answer fast’…I got the impression that since you read the entire thing in one sitting, you needed info urgently.
OMG, you guys, I’m meeting someone from OKC tomorrow night! :eek:
Last night I went to tweak my profile, and discovered that I had a new message from Sunday morning: I never got a notification, because he includes casual sex in his “I’m looking for” section and I have it set to not tell me about messages from guys who list that (there’s nothing wrong with casual sex, it’s just not why I’m on OKC). I liked his message, profile, and picture well enough, though, and decided to take him up on his offer to meet for coffee. Luckily we were both online at the same time, and were able to quickly agree on tomorrow evening. He’s straightforward about not being up for any kind of serious emotional connection/long-term relationship, but who knows: if the chemistry is right, maybe we can have some fun together. He may not be Mr. Right, but Mr. Right Now might be good enough for…well…now.
(And he’s another musician – another bass player, at that (like IRL Guy #2). He’s another dad, too, though his kids live out of state: he visits them pretty regularly, which is partly why he’s not up for anything serious.)
I haven’t had a first meeting/date since the one with my ex-BF, which was five years ago…I hope I remember how to do this! (she says half-seriously)
Oh, and here’s an update on this:
IRL Guy #1 is no longer in the picture, romantically. I finally realized that it was only “complicated” because that’s what I wanted to believe: the hard truth is that while he does, in fact, have a handful of legitimate distractions in his life right now, if he was even half as into me as I am/was into him he would have found a way to go on a date with me by now. I know that he goes out to the bar where we’re both regulars 3-4 nights a week: if he does that, he can bloody well have dinner with me sometime. I see him every Monday at a jazz thing we go to, and last night I was friendly but didn’t walk to my car with him or kiss him goodbye for the first time since we met (five months ago). Movin’ on.
(I’m still learning about/interested in IRL Guy #2…)
Don’t make fun of me, you cynical bastard.
DISCLAIMER: I am not actually calling Sicks Ate a bastard. I am in no way truly insulting him or calling him a name. It’s a figure of speech, and one that I think he’ll get and won’t find offensive. If I’m wrong I will apologize profusely and prostrate myself appropriately.
I’ve been kind of quiet on the subject because I wasn’t sure where it was going, but I am officially off the online dating market (and offline market as well). I started dating someone back in August. Because of extenuating circumstances we were taking things (painfully) slow, but we’re agreed that we’re both all in, so I feel like I won’t jinx it by saying anything.
Strangely, I did not meet this guy online, but have actually known him for almost 12 years. We weren’t friends or anything so this last 6 months or so was a true ‘getting to know you’ period.
However, I’m still keeping my subscription to this thread if you all don’t mind.
Thanks! I seem to be taking kind of a zen approach to this date (we’ll either click or we won’t), which is a nice change. I do wish it weren’t raining today, though; and we’re supposed to get thunderstorms later, right about the time I’ll be meeting him. Oh well…I’ll bring an umbrella, but he might meet a slightly soggy me.
But it’s always worth it, IMO.
