I’ve modified my profiles on some other sites to match the advice given for my OKC profile.
Energized, I really hit the search functions and sent out the emails.
Since then my emails have gone about 1 for 150 in response rate. I really don’t THINK I’m that ugly.
Wow, Jesus fucking Christ. What the hell are you sending to these women?* What kind of women have you been messaging?
*I mean this in the nicest possible way.
Friendly, funny messages. Some comment on something in their profile, and a question about what sort of vacations or fun they’re planning on this summer. Nothing needy or weird. As you can probably tell from the sheer volume I’m emailing all kinds. Basically nobody replies, not even to say “thanks but no thanks.” I’ve tried long messages, short messages, and messages in between.
I finally got so frustrated that a few days ago I changed the passwords for my accounts on Lavalife and POF and handed the keys to my sister (LavaLife) and a female friend (POF) and said “Let’s see you do better. I’ll give you money if you’re successful. Go!” So off they went, starting today; no luck yet. We’ll see if a woman pretending to be me (though they also have the option of saying “I’m C., and I’ve hijacked RickJay’s account, and let me explain why he’s awesome” but neither has tried that approach yet) works better than me. My sister’s sent out 9 emails, and to be honest they weren’t substantially different from the sort I’d send.
According to OkTrends success on the website should actually be easier for older men (the difficulty curve related to gender swings more and more the other way the older you get). The site has worked great for me and I’m just average-looking (I don’t think personality means as much to either gender as we all rush to claim). 150 messages, though, damn. Over what period of time is that?
Maybe it’s having a kid? But even then you’d think you’d at least get a “thanks” message from someone who doesn’t bother to read your profile.
Edit: The creepy mask on your visitors list is me.
That’s the exact type of thing that happened to me. Lot and lots of messages and not a whole lot back. I don’t think it’s that easy for us older people as they say. I’m not even sure if it’s having a kid or not as I have two of them. I think people are looking for perfection instead of, you know, a person.
I had a better time of it on eHarmony, but there you can send out a ton of questions and it doesn’t take as much time. At least I got more dates out of it.
I know the kid thing is a big, big drawback; IRL I’ve had women be interested and then back off once I mentioned I was a father, going so far as to come right out and say it’s “gross” to date someone with a kid.
I can’t quantify it, though, and tell you precisely HOW MUCH of a disadvantage it is.
But anyway, that’s why I handed the keys to a few dating sites over to some other folks, to see if a different approach to searching and messaging would work.
You don’t mention in your profile that you have a child?
As far as having someone else send messages for you…I’m not really down with that. I ain’t you, baby. I mean, it’s one thing to get input on your profile, but if you start getting response to e-mails someone else sends, it seems kind of dishonest.
Have you tried targeting single mothers? You never know, they might be up for more of a Brady Bunch scenario and wanting to mingle families!
Apart from that, I don’t get it. I’ve seen your profile, found it witty and well written, and didn’t scream “DONT REPLY!” to me.
I do worry about the quality of messages you’re sending out though, given the quantity. You’ve not just sent “hi how ru” to them all have you?
ducks
I’ve found this thread to be an interesting read (the whole thing!). Dating is an entirely foreign culture to me - it just seems awkward. In fact, I’ve only been on one real date in my life and that landed me with a super scary stalker 
I had been thinking about and trying to wrap my head around online dating when I found this thread and would like to thank all of its participants for the informative read.
I’ve noticed that many of you will immediately rule out a potential candidate based on where they live, and I find that perplexing. Is it that the act of dating for some is more important than finding a life mate? I would feel like I were limiting myself and narrowing my chances for finding someone compatible were I to put regional restrictions in place.
How old was the lady who said it was gross? One thing I noticed that might be hurting your chances: The age range you’re looking for might be skewed too young (29-44 when you’re 40).
Some 29 year olds are willing to date a 40 year old with a child, but I’d say they’re the exception. It’s very common for guys to try to message much younger women on these sites and I think many younger women start to think of it as “creepy” after getting a few messages from much older guys.
I would definitely suggest trying to be open to the 45+ ladies. They are more likely to be understanding of being divorced with a child, and the reality is that the older ladies are not going to be getting as much attention from other guys, which will also improve your chances with them.
Er, no, I do mention it. That’s my point. What I said was that* in real life*, e.g. meeting people face to face without initially metting online, when it comes up, it obviously turns women off.
[QUOTE=Cinnamon Imp]
Have you tried targeting single mothers? You never know, they might be up for more of a Brady Bunch scenario and wanting to mingle families!
[/QUOTE]
Oh, absolutely. Lots of them.
Nope; I put some thought into them without making them too long or needy-sounding.
[QUOTE=lavenderviolet]
How old was the lady who said it was gross? One thing I noticed that might be hurting your chances: The age range you’re looking for might be skewed too young (29-44 when you’re 40).
[/QUOTE]
32? 33? Something like that.
I never message anyone under 30, truth be told. (I don’t recall how or when I set that age range, but bear in mind I would have been 38 when I set it, not 40, since it would have been set when I created my profile.) It’s just not likely enough to happen to bother; almost all women I message are between 34 and 41.
No distance is too great for love, but practically speaking, the further away they are, the harder it is to make it work, especially for me because I don’t drive. I tried to date a woman who lived 100 miles away, didn’t work for many reasons that being a major one.
In theory, I would be willing to date someone anywhere, assuming we connected well enough. But in practice, I’m not quite sure how that would come about. There’s a limit to how close you can get to someone using e-mail and IMs. (At least there is for me.) So eventually I’d have to travel 200 miles to see someone I’m not sure is worth travelling 200 miles for. It’s much easier to find someone who’s worth going to the local Starbucks for. Even if you do make a connection with someone distant, dating is about spending time together, and the distance limits how much of that you can do.
I didn’t pick 200 miles as an arbitrary distance. I’m in Boston, the OKCupid main page often shows me women in New York City. I assume they have an abundance of potential suitors already within taxi or subway range.
So, not impossible, but it would be an extra difficulty to overcome.
I understand. I think that for me the situation you describe would be worse than if they were on the other side of the country. 100 miles with no car is so close… but sooo far.
I agree that it would be a difficulty to overcome, I’m just not sure it would be more of a difficulty than finding ‘the one’ within a certain radius. I would be willing to move for the right person, and from what I’ve observed about the world today I’m far from the exception.
Granted, I mentioned I find dating to be a bit of a foreign concept and I suppose that factors in here. I have never (well, besides high school and that doesn’t count) set out looking for a mate. Men I’ve dated have been friends I fell for. I’m very content in my own skin and with my own company, and while not opposed to a relationship I don’t feel a need for one - to my mother’s increasing dismay. 
Those things combined with my general discomfort with the dating process don’t lend themselves to motivating me out of my solitary rut.
Yes, but how far would you travel to meet someone you only knew over IM, to find out if he was the right person or not? I think that’s the real stumbling block.
And for the sake of comparison, how far are you from Boston?[sup]*[/sup]
I don’t think I’d have a limit - however I’d probably have talked to them on the phone enough to know I’d want to see them. I wouldn’t just stop at IM and move straight to air travel. Last year a gentleman I met flew here to take me to the opera. There were no expectations beyond a good visit and an experience - although I think he was hopeful I wasn’t interested in him at all (even before the trip) but we had an incredible time and I had my first opera experience with a genuine opera geek. I love being exposed to new things so I truly relished every moment.
*Far.
If I could afford it, I don’t see a downside. Worst case scenario would be a little vacation and travel.
I can mostly afford it. Still having trouble making it happen, though.
Threadjack!
Are you the gentleman that had a ship adventure?
I did, yes.
To avoid threadjacking any more than necessary, I sent you a private message.