Without seeing the other emails “we’ll just have to put it off until next week” kinda, to me, says “oh, we can’t meet, ok, whatever then” I’d figure out what times/days work and then email or text her “Hi there, if you want to meet this week, I’m free on Tuesday, Wednesday or Friday afternoon, let me know what works for you.” Obviously substitute your available dates and times with the one’s I put in, but giver her a few options and then the ball is for sure in her court. If she doesn’t reply, that might be it. You might even want to add in an “or I can probably get away for an hour or so Monday night if you want to grab something to eat.” If she’s still not totally sure, a short quick date might be more intriguing then a full night out.
Wow. Lucky I read this thread. I hadn’t noticed the three adjectives had gone so I checked my profile and they had indeed gone from the top but had been added on to the bottom of the first section of my profile - in small letters so they looked like I had typed them and meant them to be there.
I couldn’t think of three adjectives to describe me so I went the joke route and had “I am all, that, and more.”
I thought it was funny as a headline thing but my profile is pretty straight coz I figured it’s best to just be honest and talk like you normally would. But when I checked just then, that headline quip was at the bottom of my fairly mundane profile making me sound like a twat all of a sudden.
**JoeyP **- I would suggest the “walkaway” email for a few of these gals. This is where you send them an email and specifically don’t try to start a flirtation with them - just pay a compliment or say thanks and walk away.
Like:
“Hey there - just wanted to thank you. After you viewing your profile, I checked out xyz band on youtube and really enjoyed their song “Bibbity Bobbity Boo.” I love finding new music - so thanks! Have an awesome day.”
This sometimes is enough of a non-creepy advance to get a real conversation going - people love to be thanked and complimented without seeming underlying motive. And sometimes it can get some interesting conversations started. The fact that you aren’t hitting on them makes you more intriguing than the standard interaction.
**Jimmy **- I agree with **JoeyP **- it’s perfectly acceptable for you to come back and say - “hey, after checking out next week’s schedule, it looks like I have X night or Y night free - does either of these work for you?”
If she doesn’t reply back after that then the ball really is in her court at that point. But there’s nothing wrong with giving a girl options.
I think I did that accidentally last week. There was someone who’s user name was Actuary_Girl (not her real name, but close), at some point in her profile she said “bonus points if you know what an actuary is”. I sent her an email that said “I know I’m not your type, that’s not why I’m emailing you, just wanted to tell you it’s really nice to see a fellow math geek, there’s not many of us around.” Based on her profile, I really wasn’t her type, but it gave her the chance to correct me. I also made sure to update my profile to mention that I have a Pi tattoo before I sent it.
OTOH, I didn’t get a response, I wasn’t expecting to or really even trying to, I just wanted to say Hi to another math person.
WRT to a ‘walk away’ email. I’m not sure about that one. I mean, it’s a dating site, there’s always an underlying message, might as well be upfront about it. I’d be worried that acting like I have no interest (unless I really didn’t) is setting both people up for a let down.
I’ve got one that I could use a male perspective on:
I sent an email to someone on OKC a couple weeks ago - not to start the ball rolling (I was out of his age range that he was searching for) but because his profile was fantastic and made me laugh more than once. Whenever I run across a profile like that, I send a quick note to the person complimenting them on it, whether or not I match their requirements. So the note said basically his profile made me laugh, and the commented on a few specific aspects in a (hopefully) funny way. I also made sure to let him know that I wasn’t angling for anything, that I knew I was out of his age requirements, but I wanted to let him know his profile was great.
The guy replied a week or so later to thank me for my “kind and humorous words.” He also complimented me on my profile, mentioning specifics. He closed with “All the best and good luck on here!”
To me, that was him saying thank you, but yes, you’re right, you’re out of my age range (he’s 3 years younger than me). So I didn’t reply to his message because his closing seemed like a dismissal (not in a bad way, but in a way that didn’t invite further communication).
Now, a week later - he popped up in my “visitors” section again. Should I email him back? I don’t have an issue with that small of an age difference, but I also don’t have a problem with the fact that he might and not communicating further. At worst, I think we would get along and I could make a new friend, which is part of my goal on OKC.
Yes.
**JoeyP **and Mauvaise - don’t take yourselves out of the running with stuff like “I know I’m not your type/age range” - remember some people on dating sites are as nervous and analytical as you. Don’t give them a chance to correct you - don’t put the negative vibe out there. The age ranges and types people think they want are not always accurate. I used to date men 10+ years older than me, but have dated younger than my age range as well as closer to my age. That stuff is flexible when you find someone you like.
**Mauvaise **- as far as you know, he could be showing a friend something funny he saw on your profile or he could be truly interested. Don’t assume every visit is a come on. If he wants to contact you - he will. If he doesn’t have the guts - that’s his loss.
And **JoeyP **- it’s not being deceptive, it’s being different and standing out from the crowd. When you get a new email from a potential suitor, there’s a lot of pressure of “am i interested?” “Is he going to be creepy?” blah, blah, blah. By just paying a compliment without a come-on, it can be a nice refresher and a sigh of relief to the recipient.
If nothing else, you brightened their day. And if they reply, you can start a stress-free conversation that may lead down a good path.
It’s just a suggestion on how to shake things up.
I think that’s definitely the right choice. As long as you really aren’t still in love with her! I feel like Facebook is practically second base, so I don’t think you need to show any potential dates that kind of info right away. If you’re into someone, you can talk about past relationships once you actually start hanging out–your profile, the first impression someone gets of you, is definitely not the place to discuss any exes.
You’re really cute, by the way. I’d totally be into you if I lived in Texas. 
I even have an extensive postcard collection!
If he doesn’t have the guts? She’s the one who wants to message him but doesn’t know if she should.
I’m going to disagree with Melon and say no. You sent him a compliment, he thanked you for it and that was that. If he was at all interested, he wouldn’t have ended with “good luck on here.” Like you said, that certainly wasn’t being mean or rude, that was just his way of saying thank you to someone that complimented him no more no less. As far as looking at your profile again that could have been a million reasons. He could have just been reading it again, he could have been showing it to someone else for any number of reasons, he could have this, he could have that etc… I wouldn’t look to far into it.
The worst thing about stuff that tells you when people look at your profile is it can create a sense of obligation to react to it. Don’t. It’s really annoying, IMO. If you’re genuinely interested in the person because you looked at their profile after you noticed them visiting yours, that’s one thing, but you shouldn’t feel the need to respond simply because they looked at your page. It’s not any kind of active signal to you.
This - exactly this.
And that’s what I’m trying to point out, Melon. She wants to know what his visit to her page means. She’s wondering if he might be trying to send her a signal. And I’m pointing out that if he is indeed trying to “send her a signal” instead of just coming out and contacting her - that he’s gutless and it’s his loss.
Well, he already did contact me (after I contacted him), but I felt his closing was a clear end to communication and there wasn’t anything “open ended” to reply to in his email. I was just wondering if the repeat viewing was an indication that maybe I read his email incorrectly.
It’s not a matter of guts - I was the one that contact him first, which I never have a problem doing. It’s more a matter of wasting everyone’s time pursuing communication that isn’t wanted. I was just trying to get a second (and third or fifth) opinion of whether “All the best and good luck on here!” could be read any other way than as a dismissal given a repeat visit to a profile, which is how I read it.
And I’m trying to say that even if he isn’t trying to send her a signal she should message him if she’s interested. On my profile it says I’m looking for women between the ages of 18 and 22, but if a 23, 24 or 25-year old woman was interested I’d be willing to date her. She shouldn’t have mentioned “I know I’m out of your age range” because chances are, if he is interested, he’d be willing to date someone three years older than him.
That they look like an interesting person? The best thing about people who don’t 100% like the same things you do, in terms of specifics (e.g., same bands), is that you get the opportunity to introduce each other to new things that you may enjoy if your tastes and personalities are compatible.
Well, something about her obviously interests you. Why not go off of that, instead of some superficial connection like both liking the same band no one else has ever heard of?
Don’t just randomly start spamming her with calls, texts, emails, and whatnot. You’ve been on one date. Too much contact this point is going to come off as desperate and/or clingy, neither of which is attractive to a well-adjusted woman. Since you don’t have solid plans, yet, though, it would be acceptable to send one message (in whatever form) with your upcoming availability and asking how that matches with hers. I would then suggest waiting at least 48 hours before following up on it if you don’t get a response right away.
you could always reply back “same to you! saw you checking out my profile - any suggestions?”
shrug could be a way to start a conversation.
Bolding mine, and I think that was a mistake. It makes you sound unconfident, rather than just a guy who got a little jazzed at running across a fellow math geek. If you 1> don’t assume she’s gonna hate you, and 2> don’t assume she’s gonna love you, it will come across in your tone that you’re just being friendly. IOW, don’t apologize for being you. You’re saying “Hello, fellow math geek!” not “OMG you must love me because we’re both math geeks!” It’s okay to just say hello and share a smile over something you have in common. You can’t do so expecting anything will come of it, but you might make a friend. Or you might really hit it off. But you’ll probably accomplish neither if you tell her you don’t think you “measure up.” Whether or not you “measure up” isn’t even that relevant if you’re just saying “Hello fellow math geek!” anyway.
Yes, she’ll realize that you wouldn’t have bothered to contact her if you didn’t find her interesting in some way. However, I think most people (well, the grown-ups, anyway) realize that setting “dating” expectations on every single message is foolish. I expect that I’ll discover if I like someone from their messages (and presumably whether they like me). They might be interesting… or boring. They might be a really genuine person… or a jerk. “Falling in love” isn’t even on the radar for me until sometime after we meet in person, and maybe not even then. The underlying “hey, we have stuff in common and I find you interesting” can be safely assumed, she’ll know it, you know it, so why is it even necessary to explicitly state it?
I guess what I’m saying is that you can approach any contact with the attitude of just wanting to know if you could even get along as friends. You don’t need to put the cart before the horse. If she turns out to be a jerk, you’re not going to date her anyway, right? So don’t expect, either way, that dating will or will not happen. Just ask the question “Are you someone I get along with?” The plain fact is, the first time you message someone, you don’t know if you’re interested. You don’t know who she is, yet.
Actually, I like this (and have used a version of it, albeit in person).
Message him if you want. At worst he won’t respond. I would just make it clear that you’re not coming onto him or in any way putting the pressure on for a “date.” At this point, aim for friends and see if he’s up for that.
And I’m personally a big fan of feedback, so I have asked people I’ve met (who became friends) how my profile came across, and if there’s something that struck them in an especially negative/positive way. The nice thing about online dating is that you automatically have this one thing, at least, in common – it has led to some amusing conversations with the people I’ve met. 
Thanks **Kaio **- I think you had some nice insights here.
Hahaha - I just got an email from a (much) younger man who started out stating that he was younger than my age requirements, but he was taking a chance on writing anyway. I was very :dubious: that he was a real person and not one of you all playing a prank. A quick look at his profile assured me that he was real, or at least not one of you.
What got me to post here is he wrote also:
At first I thought maybe English wasn’t his first language, and I’m still leaning that way, but he only lists English and C++ as languages he speaks, so :: shrug ::
I replied (as politely as I could) that proactively accusing anyone that doesn’t want to be his friend as being a racist probably wasn’t the best approach. I explained that I had no issues with being friends with people in their 20’s, or “non whites”, but that in looking at his profile I didn’t see much common ground and I wished him luck and happiness in all his pursuits.
Maybe I should have ignored him, but on the off chance that his… blunder (IMO) was based on not being comfortable with English, I wanted to help him out for future communications with people that might be interested.
Did I handle that ok? How would you have done differently? I do try to reply to anyone that contacts me, because I know how it feels to put yourself out there and make the first contact.