List out the things you feel you bring to a relationship, and the things you are willing to give to or do for a partner. Then list out the things you expect from someone who is dating you. Write down what things can frustrate you, and what things delight you. Think about what has and hasn’t worked in the past for you. Think about what you want vs. what you need.
Once you get it written - walk away for a while. Then come back and read through it again - make sure you are not asking your partner to do anything you aren’t willing to do in return. Make sure you are not being overly petty. And highlight for yourself what the dealbreakers are.
Share your relationship credo with someone, post it on your blog, stick it on your bulletin board, make it something that is written down or captured somewhere besides in your head. When you are scrolling through the matches - look to see if you are being true to your credo.
I wrote my relationship credo back in 2008. Soon after that - I found someone who is more amazing in ways I hadn’t even thought to list. But I truly believe the credo helped. Because it made me realize my value as someone to date, as well as my priorities in someone I want to date.
Mauvaise, I understand what you said about sex - but I’ll be honest - that was a big one for me. I lived for 9 years with a guy who thought intercourse every few years was reasonable. Years, dangit. And I’m flirty - so I needed a guy to know that was part of me too - and not get jealous if I made a random flirt now and then. So all that was crucial for me - and I made sure I included that - both in my credo - and lightly mentioned in my profiles.
With that, make sure more of your pictures are just you then group pictures. I like a few group pictures, it helps me visualize what type of people you hang out with. But I’ve seen people that’ll put up 5 pictures all with multiple people in them, guess what…I don’t know which one is you. Even if one of your pics is just you, but you and all your friends all have brown hair, are built the same and wearing sunglasses in all the pictures, it doesn’t help me. At least on OKC you can add captions (I’m on the left, that’s me in the middle etc…)
Oh, and if you put “no” for smoking, don’t have pictures where you’re holding a cigarette. (I smoke, I don’t care, but that’s going to bug other people I think). In fact, just don’t lie about yourself.
I have a friend who put in her profile that she doesn’t smoke (she does), drinks occasionally (she drinks quite a bit more then that) and that she works in the medical field (she’s sells medical supplies to hospitals, I think that’s stretching it). She went on a first date with a guy to dinner. Had a beer before dinner, a beer with dinner and when she ordered the third one, that was the deal breaker for him. He wasn’t looking for someone that would drink three beers with dinner (and her profile implied that she didn’t). BTW, she’s a bigger girl and can hold her beer just fine, so it’s not that she got drunk or anything like that. This guy isn’t a drinker and didn’t have any interest in dating someone who was.
I had something like that. When my wife walked out on me, I wanted her to give me another chance. I wrote out everything I was willing to change for her and what she needed to change for me. Everything that bugged me about her, and everything I thought bugged her about me etc etc etc.
When she didn’t come back, I continued to update it for myself. I figured it would help me recognize very early on that a future SO and I wouldn’t be compatible (and red flags that the relationship might be tanking). I was pretty proud of it.
Then I formatted my hard drive and forgot to save it.:smack:
What are your thoughts on putting things in your profile that you don’t like? For example at one point my profile mentioned that I don’t travel. Hey, if you like traveling that’s good, but seeing the world just isn’t a priority for me.
On the one hand, if you LOOOOVE traveling, you’ll know what you’re getting in to if you would chose to meet me. OTOH, it’s kind of a downer to write something like that, and maybe if you get to know me, you’ll be okay with not traveling as much, or going with your other friends.
I ended up taking it out because I think more love traveling then the amount of people that actually do travel. (Does that make sense, I think a lot of people are all talk when it comes to that. Going to Mexico for two weeks 3 years ago doesn’t count as “seeing all the world has to offer”, no point in making those people feel excluded).
Oh, you’re not the only one. I’d say 98% of my profile views are people who are 10 years younger, or 10+ years older, and I have to wonder why in hell they can’t date people their own age. If they can’t stand you, why would I want to? Get a lot of first-contacts who bring up sex as a means of introduction, too. I’m not sure on what planet that tactic is supposed to work.
RE: eHarmony… good lord, people actually pay for that? Three hoops to jump through before I can even talk to someone? The “system” choosing for me? Uh, no. I like to choose for myself. Call me crazy.
Mostly good advice (I’m an eH member). When I’m reviewing the day’s new matches, I pay zero attention to a profile without a picture, and maybe 5% attention to a profile that only has minimal information filled in. If you’ve filled out your profile in the written equivalent of monosyllabic grunts…that’s not a good first impression. Come back later when you’ve put in some time.
About sex, though…as a guy, it will definitely get my interest if someone lists “Sex” as something they can’t live without. (And I assume that “passion” is a euphemism.) I would give high marks for honesty for someone who would put that in writing. And don’t assume that “everybody feels that way”, especially in my age group (geezer). I got matched with a woman, and we got to Stage 2: Must Haves/Cant Stands (pick 10 from a menu of 50 or so)…she picked “I must have a partner who is traditional and reserved in his sexual desires.” Uh…what? Does that mean no whips & chains? Or missionary position only, and only on Saturdays? I hit the Close button pretty quick.
Well, I was apprehensive about letting a computer choose matches for me. But then, I figured that since I’m so lousy at picking them myself, the computer couldn’t do any worse than me
Seriously, though, I have found that the matches on EH are a lot more “serious” than OKC. I kinda think that the people who are willing to plop down a bit of money for the service might be more committed to finding a relationship, and so more willing to invest a little more effort in it than the ones using the free services.
Oh, I expect sex is huge for a lot of people - I just think, personally, there is a better time to mention it than before you’ve officially met someone.
See, that (to me) is a more appropriate time to bring up sex. I wouldn’t have a problem if one of the 1st stage questions was one that touched on sex (I think there are one or two, right?), or in Must Have/Can’t Stands, or even in the open ended questions. I love sex - and I don’t have any hang-ups about it (truly - I used to sell sex toys @ fuck-a-ware parties) and can be quite open in discussions about it with people I’m not currently having sex with. For whatever reason, it just rubs me the wrong way when someone puts that in their main profile. But I’m willing to concede that it may be just me.
Alright, here’s another question.
If I send someone an email, they look at my profile, but don’t respond (but it’s fair to say that read the email), is it bad form to send another email a few weeks later?
It’s possible that they meant to reply to your email at some point, then simply just forgot. It happens.
Remember, women get bombarded with email, and it’s possible your email could have just got clumped into the hundreds of others she has to wade through.
Make sure you tell her how rude she was not to reply!
But really, the odds are probably in favor of her not being interested if she didn’t reply, but you are right that nothing bad, and only good can come of following up.
I sort-of disagree. I mean, you’re right that it’s not like she can ignore you more. But if I’m interested in you even as a friend, and I just happen to be busy, I will at least shoot back a quick note telling you that I don’t have time for a complete response, but I’ll get back to you when I do. (And if a few weeks go by, yes, remind me, I may have gotten caught up in other things.)
If I’m intentionally ignoring the first message, and you send a second, it tells me that you can’t take a hint, and/or you’re pushy and think you’re entitled (to a complete stranger’s time, that what you want is “more important” than my personal boundaries, whatever). It pretty much ensures that I’ll never talk to you, because you’ve made yourself out to be a guy that I wouldn’t get along with and wouldn’t want in my life.
And honestly, if a girl doesn’t at least have the courtesy to tell you she’s busy but really wants to talk later, do you want that kind of girl in your life? It takes less than 30 seconds to type that one sentence out.
My first question in this thread was about just that. I sent her an email, she replied, I replied, then about 3 weeks went by with nothing. I sent her another one, she said sorry, she’s been really busy and asked for my number. I sent her my number, and we’re back at nothing. What bugged me is that she seemed genuinely interested in me. After I sent my very first email to her, I got nothing back. Then about a week later she looked at my profile again and few days after that she sent her first email to me. In that email she mentioned that she didn’t reply at first because of my “currently separated” status, but when she looked at my profile again a few days later she saw that I had added a thing at the bottom that mentioned that my divorce would be final in June. If she wasn’t interested at all, she would never have sent that first reply. So, she might just be very busy in her IRL life, she might have changed her mind about me, she might be stringing me along until my divorce is final (but then I’d prefer she just tell me to send her an email after it’s final), she could be flakey, she could just be nervous about online dating, or my guess, she’s meeting lots of guys and just hasn’t gotten around to me yet. Who knows. Time will tell.
FYI, I’m not as hung up on her as this post makes me seem, but there’s only been a handful of people I’ve run across that I’ve had any real interest in meeting and she’s one of them.
Here’s another piece of advice, make sure whatever information is visible on FB to the world, jives with your dating profile. If your name is more unique then John or Ann, it’s not all that hard to find your profile.
Case in point, found a girl on match I was interested in, her Match.com name was her first and last name so she wasn’t hard to find on facebook. There were a few things that she listed on FB but not on match (like different jobs, but I think she had a good reason for that), but her FB profile listed her as having a boyfriend. I can think of several benign reasons for that, but plenty more non-benign reasons. I had no problem walking away from that.
