Okay, to keep this thread going, here’s another piece of advice. When you send someone an email, it has to be more then “So, how’s your weekend going” I can’t stand one’s like that for a few reasons. First off, that about as small as small talk gets. That’s what the cashier at the hardware store says. You’re trying to forge a new relationship, not pass the time. You have to get a little deeper then that. Along those same lines, if you say “Do you have any plans for this weekend?” I know you’re just making chit chat, but I can’t really respond to it. I don’t know why, but it feels so rushed, like you’re really asking if we can meet tonight. Give me something to work with. Ask me some open ended questions that will not only allow me reply, but almost inherently get me to ask you a question back. Ask me what I do for a living (I work at _____, what do you do?) or what kind of motorcycle I have (I got a blah blah blah last year, do you ride?), or if you can see a picture of my schnauzer tattoo (Sure, here it is, do you have any?). Something.
Oh, and another one that drives me up the wall. Be realistic about your body type. Sure, you may be athletic, but if you’re belly hangs out over your belt or your thighs jiggle when you sit down you are NOT “Athletic and Toned.” But, for personal reasons, it bothers me 100x more when a girl that is slender/athletic and toned/about average puts A few Extra Pounds/Stocky/heavyset. But I think it’s just me. My STBXW was anorexic/bulimic for about 2 years and seeing girls say that they are bigger then they are really makes me nervous that I could wind up dating someone with body image issues. That’s something I’d really prefer to avoid in the future.
Better yet, just post a (recent! for the love of god) photo of your body type. I can never figure out how I’m supposed to categorize myself; I think I’m fairly average, but it seems like there’s a lot of “average” girls out there who are larger (and sometimes smaller) than me. “Athletic”? “Fit”? I won’t be running marathons anytime soon (or ever, really), but I bike/run daily and am somewhat decent at aerial circus arts.
So, meh. I’ll show you what I look like, you can decide for yourself what to call it. And the same for everyone else; is your “average” and my “average” the same thing? I dunno… just show me. That way I don’t have to guess.
Oh, yes. My profile explicitly asks that you not message me if all you have to say is hihowsitgoing? I am looking for a man of substance, so put some substance in your efforts. Yet I still get hihowsitgoing?
“Athletic” has different meanings in different parts of the country. Out west, it seems to mean lean and toned, with little body fat. In the east, an “athletic” build for men means he’s a bodybuilder or football player-type; for women, it often means she’s a rugby player that’s built like a fireplug.
Really? You’ve seen this? In my experiences, it’s far, far more common for women to underreport their weight, through miscategorization and photos with Myspace angles. I’ve been disappointed one too many times by “average” women who were many, many pounds overweight. I called a couple on it, and they justified it by saying that no men would write or respond if they were in the “few extra pounds” category, and that “the average woman is a size 16, so I’m average, right” :rolleyes:
My advice: if you’re overweight, be honest about it. Don’t trick a man who is otherwise not attracted to you into a date, with the hope that he’ll “see the real you” or “look beyond the body”.
Same. I’ve even gotten the occasional “bored IM” (which usually consists entirely of “Hi.”) to which I may respond, if the profile looks interesting: “Hi, I’m on my way out, but feel free to message me and properly introduce yourself.”
Invariably, if they bother with a message at all, I always get “Hi, my name is John, I’m originally from Ohio, and I like baseball. Howsitgoing?” :rolleyes:
But by your own admission, you’re still getting the “how’sitgoings”. And these warnings should be needless to say. It’s like saying in profile “no players” or “no drama please”, “no mama’s boys!” “no assholes need apply…” etc. A profile shouldn’t be bogged down or heavy handed. It should be upbeat as much as possible. Obviously assholes should Not apply. But assholes rarely know they are. …so this will not keep away assholes, it will only more likely deter those who aren’t.
And statements like “no drama, please” and “don’t bother writing if you’re stupid” (phrased multiple ways) comes off as assholeish too, right off the bat. Intelligent people out there looking at profiles don’t want to read that kind of shit. It’s a real put off. It’s best to just not reply to those respondents that are sub par - for the sake of not calling them out in your profile. Unless exceptional - items in profiles that are just plain no-fun should be avoided.
Many of these same people harshly warding off unsuitable suitors often also state in profiles “I’m fun to be around” or say what a great personality they have. This makes the nice guys throw the red flag high and sends them running away.
Imo, someone should not state in profile that they have a great personality - whether they do (or think they do) or not. Not only is this a personally subjective topic but something that should be left up to someone else to decide and learn as they go.
It’s not like someone intelligent reads the statement “I am great!” and says to his/herself, “well, they’re great - glad we got that out of the way”.
To say this stuff in attempt to exude self confidence only makes one come off cocky and flawed. Bragging of subjective matter concerning one’s personal self is a turn off.
Kaio I’ve seen your pics and you could put either “fit” or “athletic” in your profile and be honest about it. On that note, it’s amazing how many say “average” when they mean “a few extra pounds”. What is the point of this? If one is going to eventually meet someone, they’re going to find out soon enough what you’re about.
There’s a handful of people that I’ve thought about emailing but ended up not because of statements like “No drama please” or “I don’t play games”. In my mind, if you’ve had enough drama that you feel the need to put that in your profile, either you attract that type of person or more likely, it’s YOU creating the drama or playing the games. Either way, that’s not what I’m looking for. I have to wonder if any of the people I chose not to contact really do live a drama free life and put that in their profile in a misguided attempt to keep it that way. Probably not many.
Take out the line about always being told to cheer up and your friend giving you a hug because you looked melancholy. Girls aren’t looking for a wet blanket to drag around.
I’m not a girl. So take that with a grain of salt. But, I would leave the outside links out of the profile all together. It just seems like too much information all at once. If you are just looking for someone to penpal with having your live journal link is awesome and makes sense. But, if you are looking for someone local to date or hang out with having that much information right away might be too much too soon and a total overload.
I took out the LJ link, but the reason it was included in the first place is because I am not looking for anything in particular, and I’m as open to an online penpal as I am a local friend or someone to date.
As to the wet blanket thing, I’ll consider it. I may phrase it differently, but to say that anyone notices something besides what I have listed there is pretty disingenuous, and I would feel like I’m misrepresenting myself if I put my sparkling personality, rapier wit, or other similar non-answers that a lot of people seem to put there.
Yeah, although I don’t feel as strongly on this issue, you don’t want to make a profile too lengthy. There’s so much hit-and-miss out there, it gets discouraging to try to sift through it all. Leave the profile on the shorter side, you’ll be likely to get more hits. Then no matter how enthusiastic you are when you have someone who seems interested, let the info come out as gradually as you can.
This is easier said than done though. I have had many of my own difficulties following this advice. :o
Well, if someone from elsewhere emails you and you hit it off you could really easily email them the LJ link. I just think having that much information about a person is a stumbling block for the start of a real life local relationship.
No worries at all. You make a good point. I know I am unlikely to follow someone’s Facebook link, so it doesn’t make much sense for me to keep up a livejournal link. Plus, it’s been there forever, and hasn’t led to any new friends, so it wasn’t really doing anything, anyway.
Was that in reply to me or just a general statement? I know mine is a little lengthy, but I think I strike an okay balance. I’m obviously biased, though.
I like the OK Cupid profile trading game, but I don’t really want to put it out there so people on OKCupid can search me out. Which is paranoid. I am proud of my paranoia. If anyone wants to critique mine feel free to PM me and I will send the link.
Maybe I just have a contrarian streak, but when I see something that has become so stylistically routine and by-the-numbers, I like to turn it on its ear. I once had a profile that said I was “equally comfortable in a bee-keepers suit or clown shoes.”
