Please don’t blame yourself; as others have said, there may not have been anything you could have done at all. My dad passed away in his sleep and I know my mom blamed herself some for sleeping soundly or for not checking him when she woke up as usually he was an early bird. (And I find myself occasionally checking my own husband for warmth or breath if he seems silent during sleep.)
I’m so very sorry, and you will be in my thoughts. Please hang on. What’s the Churchill (?) quote - “when you’re going through hell, keep going.”
I too never posted on your other threads, but I was so impressed with the depth of your love and courage in the face of so many twists, turns and complications. You showed a strength even in exhaustion and so many unknowns.
As others have said, be kind to yourself. Johnny knew how much he was loved by you and for that he was blessed.
I know that life isn’t fair; it’s just life . . . but this isn’t fair Purplehorseshoe. You’re in my thoughts at this terrible time.
I am so, so sorry for your loss. You guys fought so hard.
I want to second this. It’s entirely normal no be numb in response to something like this. People deal with pain in different ways. Anyone who says otherwise is wrong and needs to go do their own form of grieving elsewhere.
At times like this I wish we Dopers were closer to each other geographically, so we could rally to help.
I am so very, very sorry that you had to type those words. Don’t be troubled for a moment about when or where or how your tears come. No one who read what you wrote about John could ever doubt the depth of your love for him.
So, so sorry for your loss. You’re obviously a strong woman. My thoughts are with you.