When I first posted, I didn’t realize John had been quite ill for a while. I’m so sorry to hear about all of those added struggles and I would have said this the first time if I’d been aware:
The survivors of situations where someone was very sick can often feel a mixture of relief and devastation, leading to terrible guilt about feeling relief. I knew this and expected the relief and STILL felt guilt about it when I felt some of the stress slide off me. Sometimes, by asserting our culpability about something, we gain a sense of control, as if it’s better to be the bad guy than a helpless victim.
So if you feel relief or guilt about anything else, know that you are not alone and it doesn’t make you a horrible person who wanted your loved one to die. You’re a human being. We’re not infinitely strong. But you are strong enough to get through this.
I lurked in the other threads for so long, and I was so happy that things were looking up for you two after such a hard fight.
I’m so so so very sorry.
Words are useless, but they’re all we’ve got.
Also, you’ll grieve and worry and move on in your own way - everyone’s different. Don’t let anyone throw guilt-trips on you for how you handle things. It’s not their business. You can’t control your thoughts, and you can’t control your feelings - just let them come and try to ride the waves until they subside.
I’ve been trying since last night to think up something to say and the words just won’t come. I’m so terribly sorry for your loss, purplehorseshoe. I followed along with your other thread from the beginning and I’m stunned and heartbroken for you.
Please if you need any help that we dopers can provide, let us know.
We have dopers nearby as well all over the world that will do what they can.
You and John are in my prayers.
His parents & I agree that body donation is the right choice. I’m absolutely 115% certain that’s what he woulda wanted anyway: his attitude towards organ donation in general was “well, shit, I’m not using it.” The massive infection of WNV and the timing of me, ah, finding him disqualified him from straight-up organ donation so he’s going whole body to the UTSW med school. So there will be no funeral, and we’ll arrange for a memorial service. Not to put too fine a point on it, but with no body there’s not really a huge hurry and neither his parents nor I are really in a mindset to figure out details like that ATM. Official cause of death according to the ME office is “natural causes: complications from West Nile.”
I’m dreading the memorial: just puttering around the house putting away his things leaves me numb & quiet, but as soon as I’m on the phone with someone I’m a weepy mess. Dealing with people in person face-to-face, seeing his photo on an easel with flowers: that’s gonna be a shit-ton worse. But what kind of wife would I be to skip my own husband’s memorial?
Black humor time again: I’ll post the memorial details here, if you want, but then, I have to explain to his parents who all these people are who I’ve never actually met…
I’m so sorry for your loss. I’ve read about your husband’s health problems and know this last year has been very difficult. Stay strong and know you are in our thoughts.
You don’t have to include that if you don’t want to. A memorial service should be of comfort to the mourners. Arrange the details in whatever way serves that ideal for you and the others who loved him.
I just saw this, and I too, was hoping that wasn’t a serious thread title. purplehorseshoe, may I send you a card? You can PM me your address if you feel like it. If not, that’s okay, but please accept some internet hugs. I am so sorry.
