The Passion has far exceeded expectations and broken several box office records with no End Times yet in sight. As Dorothy Parker remarked, “The only –ism Hollywood believes in is plagiarism” and it’s par for the course that this year’s blockbuster will spawn a slew of copycats. By this time next year Tobey Maguire, Leonardo Dicaprio, Tom Cruise and Ben Affleck could well have all been fitted for a crown of thorns or at least entered into chariot driving school for remakes of The Robe, King of Kings, Ben Hur and every other movie made with whips and robes and fake beards.
So a few predictions for movies we may see (and please please please- feel free to add your own):
DISNEY- owner of the Muppets and the Gold Standard of animation (though Pixar threatens to supplant them), will release the following two movies:
The Passion of Kermit the Christ
Obviously Kermit will play Jesus, but should Miss Piggy be the Virgin Moi-ry or Moi-ry of Magdalene? And should St. Peter be played by Fozzy or Elmo? And should Animal be Barabbas or Pilate? The only certain casting is that Billy Connelly will play John the Baptist.
Charges of anti-Semitism are dropped once Disney agrees to drop two lines spoken by Waldorf and Statler. The first is as they’re entering Jerusalem for Passover.
Waldorf: With all this heat and all these tourists, Jerusalem reminds me of Miami Beach.
Statler: Yeah, except there’s not as many Jews.
Both: Ha ha hah aha ha ha…
Later in the “Barabbas or Jesus…” scene-
Waldorf: I’d really rather has a chicken salad sandwich.
Statler: With a kosher dill- it’s Passover!
The other Disney entry is a return to animation in JESUS!, a wacky musical romp through the Gospels for the whole family. Jesus (the voice of Haley Joel Osment) is a boy with an identity crisis with nobody to love him other than his mother Mary (the voice of Harvey Feirstein) and his pet monkey “Savior”. His life gets changed when he’s spotted in a talent contest by a local celebrity, John the Southern Baptist (voice of Billy Bob Thornton) and he sets off on a crusade. He picks up a dozen apostles (voices include George Carlin, Greg Kinnear & Ray Romano) as well as Timon and Pumba (Nathan Lane and Ernie Sabella) and even finds a girlfriend, Mary Magdalene (Lucy Liu) to go to the BC-Prom.
The movie’s highlight occurs when Jesus runs away from home into the desert and meets Satan (the zany voices of Robin Williams). Satan/Williams morphs into 5 dancing black men and announces (in his best black stereotype voice) “Yo home, get ready for the Temptations”, then gives Jesus several options. “I’ll give you all the world for just bowing to me… but don’t answer yet! Bow now and we’ll throw in free of charge the North and South Poles and a George Foreman Pita-matic Roaster- make an entire fat free seder in less time than it takes to burn a bush!”
Unfortunately the bad guys don’t like Jesus. (Aside: Disney will deny any intentional anti-Semitism in its depiction of Jewish characters such as Caiphas [the voice of Jackie Mason], Annas [the voice of Allan King] and Judas [the voice of Jerry Seinfeld]). Finally he’s sentenced by Pontius Pilate (the voice of Roberto Benigni) and crucified, but luckily the nails are “driven” by one of Jesus’ early converts, Nicodemus (the voice of George Carlin) who uses Velcro. Imagine everybody’s surprise when he makes it home in time for Christmas afterwards.
So… how would other big names respond to the Passion (George Lucas, Quentin Tarantino, Looney Tunes, etc.)?