The Passion of Kermit the Christ (and other alternagospels)

Cafe Society
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The Passion has far exceeded expectations and broken several box office records with no End Times yet in sight. As Dorothy Parker remarked, “The only –ism Hollywood believes in is plagiarism” and it’s par for the course that this year’s blockbuster will spawn a slew of copycats. By this time next year Tobey Maguire, Leonardo Dicaprio, Tom Cruise and Ben Affleck could well have all been fitted for a crown of thorns or at least entered into chariot driving school for remakes of The Robe, King of Kings, Ben Hur and every other movie made with whips and robes and fake beards.

So a few predictions for movies we may see (and please please please- feel free to add your own):
DISNEY- owner of the Muppets and the Gold Standard of animation (though Pixar threatens to supplant them), will release the following two movies:
The Passion of Kermit the Christ

Obviously Kermit will play Jesus, but should Miss Piggy be the Virgin Moi-ry or Moi-ry of Magdalene? And should St. Peter be played by Fozzy or Elmo? And should Animal be Barabbas or Pilate? The only certain casting is that Billy Connelly will play John the Baptist. Who would you cast?

Charges of anti-Semitism are dropped once Disney agrees to drop two lines spoken by Waldorf and Statler. The first is as they’re entering Jerusalem for Passover.

Waldorf: With all this heat and all these tourists, Jerusalem reminds me of Miami Beach.
Statler: Yeah, except there’s not as many Jews.
Both: Ha ha hah aha ha ha…

Later in the “Barabbas or Jesus…” scene-

Waldorf: I’d really rather has a chicken salad sandwich.
Statler: With a kosher dill- it’s Passover!
The other Disney entry is a return to animation in JESUS!, a wacky musical romp through the Gospels for the whole family. Jesus (the voice of Haley Joel Osment) is a boy with an identity crisis with nobody to love him other than his mother Mary (the voice of Harvey Feirstein) and his pet monkey “Savior”. His life gets changed when he’s spotted in a talent contest by a local celebrity, John the Southern Baptist (voice of Billy Bob Thornton) and he sets off on a crusade. He picks up a dozen apostles (voices include George Carlin, Greg Kinnear & Ray Romano) as well as Timon and Pumba (Nathan Lane and Ernie Sabella) and even finds a girlfriend, Mary Magdalene (Lucy Liu) to go to the BC-Prom.

The movie’s highlight occurs when Jesus runs away from home into the desert and meets Satan (the zany voices of Robin Williams). Satan/Williams morphs into 5 dancing black men and announces (in his best black stereotype voice) “Yo home, get ready for the Temptations”, then gives Jesus several options. “I’ll give you all the world for just bowing to me… but don’t answer yet! Bow now and we’ll throw in free of charge the North and South Poles and a George Foreman Pita-matic Roaster- make an entire fat free seder in less time than it takes to burn a bush!”

Unfortunately the bad guys don’t like Jesus. (Aside: Disney will deny any intentional anti-Semitism in its depiction of Jewish characters such as Caiphas [the voice of Jackie Mason], Annas [the voice of Allan King] and Judas [the voice of Jerry Seinfeld]). Finally he’s sentenced by Pontius Pilate (the voice of Roberto Benigni) and crucified, but luckily the nails are “driven” by one of Jesus’ early converts, Nicodemus (the voice of George Carlin) who uses Velcro. Imagine everybody’s surprise when he makes it home in time for Christmas afterwards.
So… how would other big names respond to the Passion (George Lucas, Quentin Tarantino, Looney Tunes, etc.)?

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The Miracle of Morgan’s Christ (dir. by Preston Sturges)
Jesus (Eddie Bracken) is convinced by Judas (William Demarest) to start a new religion, much to the horror of his girlfriend Mary (Betty Hutton), who has just found out she’s pregnant by one of his apostles.

Gold Diggers of 0 (dir. by Busby Berkeley)
A musical director (James Cagney) tries to stage a huge religious festival in Rome, but his leading man (Dick Powell) balks at being crucified. Ends in a huge musical number with overhead shots of crosses, flowing gowns, neon violins, and Ginger Rogers singing in Pig Latin.

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Nothing to add but I would so watch this.

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Passionate Weapon

Christ (Mel Gibson) is working in Vatican City as a vatican guard with suicidal tendencies who is paired up with the Pope (Danny Glover), a street-smart, family man on the brink of retirement. The duo must overcome the myriad misunderstandings resulting from Biblical redactions to become a cohesive team and crack open a Jewish conspiracy, led by the überJewish “Christ-Killer” Katzstein (Jackie Mason), to lace votive candles with arsenic in churches across the globe. The convoluted plot is thrown at the last minute by a mind-bending plot twist involving St. Paul, five-hundred or so fraudulent witnesses, and the Gospel of Thomas. I don’t want to give away any more!

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I’ve been thinking of a retelling of the story from the part of the guy who did the betrayal. Call it, Who Framed Judas Iscariot?

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Oh, Mary! (dir. by John Waters)
Mary (Divine) and her mother Anne (Edie Massey) live in first-century Baltimore, where they are pursued by heavenly hosts (David Lochary, Mink Stole, Mary Vivian Pearce) trying to convince Mary to have a blind date with God.

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I think if the Muppets go biblical, the story they should tell is Noah’s Ark. It’s just such a perfect match.
Charlotte Church will play an Angel soon. I’d love to see her raining fire down on Sodom. Heck, she could lay waste to me anytime.

Then some wealthy LDS will make ** Second Coming to America ** and will tell the story of the book of Mormon as Jesus holidays in the good ole US of A. (tragically long before there is a Disneyland)

But what we really need is a film version of Valis. It’s got it all. Jesus, the devil, mind control satellites, and best of all it’s part one of a trilogy.