The people you meet at the dog park

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

The Poop Nazi

Demographics: usually female and 50+

She’s the one who, as soon as a dog looks like it’s squatting over to poop, will yell “SOMEONE’S DOG IS POOPING!” She’ll yell at you, screaming that your dog is pooping, even as you’re running over to Fido with plastic bags in hand. She’ll yell at you if your female dog is squatting low to pee, because it looks like she could be pooping. She’ll blame you for stray poops she picks up around the park, even if you’ve just walked through the airlock moments ago.
The Pug Posse

Demographics: urban hipsters in their 20s, usually female

They all meet up at a certain time every day, each with one or more pugs. Just as the pugs play in their own little world, shunning the big dogs, members of Pug Posse ignore everyone else at the dog park who doesn’t own a pug.
Womyn of the Wolf

Demographics: lesbian women in their 30s and older

They’re living stereotypes: two stocky, butch women with short hair, arriving in a Subaru Forester, with a Siberian Husky, Malamute, or Arctic breed mutt that looks “wolfy” in tow.
The Mutt Snob

Demographics: female, late 30s and up.

They usually arrive in a beater car covered with bumper stickers with phrases like “Don’t Breed or Buy While Homeless Pets Die”. All their attention is directed towards mutts, especially the “SPCA brown n’ black” variety. With the zeal of a Baptist missionary or Linux user, they preach the superiority of mutts over purebred dogs; hybrid vigor, less prone to genetic diseases, and so on. They chastise owners of purebreds for paying hundreds or thousands of dollars on a dog while hundreds of homeless mutts are put down in animal shelters every day. Allergies to shedding dogs, desiring a certain temperament, or rescuing a purebred aren’t adequate excuses for not owning a Chow/German Shepherd/Lab/Beagle mix.
The Agility Hippie

Demographics: usually male, mid-to-late 20s to mid-40s.

Looking as if they followed Widespread Panic around the country for the past two months, you’ll see the Agility Hippie off in one corner of the dog park, playing frisbee with their obsessive/compulsive Australian Shepherd. Of course, dogs being social creatures, many will venture over to compete for the frisbee with “Jerry”, “Fillmore”, “Windsong” or “Kindbud”. The result: the Agility Hippie’s mellow will be harshed, and he’ll usually yell to the pack of humans “Hey, man! Keep your dogs away from us! We’re in training, man!”
How about your dog park patron archetypes?

2

The Badass

Demographic: White male, late 20s to early 30s, buzz cut, goatee, apparently permanent sunglasses

Oh, it’s not just his dog who is overly aggressive. But when his dog attacks yours for the third time and you explain to him that what you just did to his dog you are going to do to him, he turns into a pussycat.

3

I once took my dog to a park and left in near tears. My dog, Jezebel, had been abused as a puppy and I spent years getting her socialized but she was always shy, the fact that strangers could even get near her was through years of hard work and a lot of trust on her part. She loved people, but just couldn’t ever jump that hurdle to being friendly.

So we are at the dog park, and there is this Queen Of The Park, with the big, white fluffy, friendly, happy dog. In the interactions of the dogs and people she made a snide comment about people who abuse dogs and it was directed towards me. At the time, I was standing there being so proud of Jezzie for being as sociable as she was and it made me so sad for her. She tried so hard and was truly the best dog I ever had and had the sweetest heart, and here this lady was judging her and me.

I was perhaps overprotective of my dog and her feelings, but it just made me so sad. Not for me, but for Jezzie, because that bitch didn’t see how far she had come, just how far she hadn’t.

4

The Doggy Daycare

Demographics: Female 20-30’s.

She’ll let her dog run wild in the park while she pays no attention and talks on her phone - sometimes returning to her car because the dogs are barking too much.

The advanced Doggy Daycares will leave their dog at the park while they go shopping.

Mr Friendly

Demographics: Male 20-30’s.

This dude is really into dogs but has zero control or understanding of his. His dog rushes and jumps up on people while he screams “Don’t worry! He’s Friendly” from across the dog park. Their dogs are aloof and need a bath.

5

Get a pug, and see if you don’t start acting this way. I can’t imagine wanting to interact with other dogs if there’s other pugs in the park.

Pugs: an addiction, not a dog.

6

Man, these are cracking me up. All present and accounted for at my local dog park.

I’ll add:
**Mr. Constant Comment **(perhaps a cousin of Mr. Friendly)

Demographic: male, 40+

Yells his dog’s name at least once every two minutes, with frequency directly proportional to his distance from the dog. The further the dog strays, the more he yells. Dogs never show the slightest indication that they’ve heard him, having long since learned to tune him out and do their own thing.

Typical real-life quotes: “Dukie! Dukie! What are you smelling, Dukie? Dukie! get over here!”

“Queenie! Queenie! Queenie, what are you doing? Queenie! Come on, Queenie. QUEENIE!”

“Oscar! Get down, Oscar! Oscar, give that ball back! Oscar! OSCAR! Give back that ball!”

and…

The Smokers Klatch (this may be unique to my park)
Like the Pug Posse, they meet up at the same time every day, under the same clump of trees. They have plastic lawn chairs that they group together so they can sit down and smoke while their dogs run around completely unsupervised. Should one of their dogs act aggresively toward your own dog, you’ll receive the death glare for having come so close. No one will get up and intervene in their dog’s behavior.

7

The animal lady
In addition to her dog(s) she also has at home multiple cats, birds, fish, etc. They are her only friends. She lives alone. She holds a job which involves little or no social interaction with people. She arrived in a pea-green station wagon which she also uses to deliver newspapers in the morning. Long scraggly hair that hasn’t been washed in weeks. Attempts to chat up other dog owners makes them nervous and avoid her because of her social awkwardness.

8

Yes, indeedy. We don’t even have them anymore, but if we see a pug posse when driving past the dog park, we slam on the brakes and go in just to get our “hit” of pug goodness.

9

The Beagle Posse and The Dacshund Posse

See Pug Posse, but instead of playing in their own little world, they chase all the other dogs.

Mr. or Mrs. No Concept of Size

They bring their 60+lb dog to the small dog side and let it chase the little dogs around, while they’re completely oblivious to both the havoc their dog is wreaking and the fact that the big dog side IS RIGHT NEXT TO YOU.

Mr. or Mrs. Don’t Cleanup Poop

90% of dog owners, inside and outside of the park.

Mr. or Mrs. Cheerleader of the Breed They Own

Almost every purebred owner. They will brag about how short their breed’s lifespan is, how their hips blow out in half that time, and how their dog cost more than their mortgage payment. I’ll never figure out why these are things to brag about but I hear them again and again.

Mr. or Mrs. Can’t Read the Sign That Says All Dogs Must Be Spayed or Neutered

They bring their dog seemingly for the sole purpose of letting it vent all of its humping aggression, and somehow they skillfully manage to always be facing 180 degrees from their horny little friend. “Oh he’s humping? He never does that!” Yeah, except last week when you brought him. And the week before that, and the week before that . . .

10

The moron with the pit bull
Demographics: any race, always male, wears bling, tries to look tough but can’t pull it off, desperately hopes his dog will impress people with his macho gravitas

Brings the pit bull which gets overexcited with all the other dogs running around and starts mauling other dogs in 5 minutes. Gets angry and defensive when other people yell at him to control his dog, usually answering with “f*ck you” and “Whadda you gonna do about it?” Leaves when the other dog owners tell him they got a pic of his license plate on their cell phones and are sending it to the police.

The purebred purveyors of one-upsmanship
Demographics: any race, any gender, looks completely normal until you realize they’re psycho

Manages to hook you into conversation with small talk, and as soon as you ask the breed of their dog, will give you their entire history dating back from the Middle Ages. They will also go into great detail explaining the miles they travelled to get this particular dog, and how they passed up other dogs because of really vague reasons only true dog owners would understand. They also explain the proper diet for this purebred in quantum detail. You eventually get the impression they’ve spent enough money on this dog to neglect their children’s health.

11

The Rescuer

Not only does she take shelter dogs, she takes the shelter dogs no one would ever want. She walks up with a pack of ill-tempered, yowling rats with mange, and proceeds to share the details of every health problem, psychosis, and “suspected history of abuse” her horrible mongrels possess. If her dog tries to pick a fight with yours, she yells at you for pulling it off, telling you to be careful because “Fluffy has a weak neck.”
**
Dog Whisperer who Missed the Point**

Also comes in with badly behaved yappers, and hers are intact. Tells you, when you ask her to grab her dog so it stops attempting to lift its leg on you or your dog, that you’re not “projecting dominant energy” or he wouldn’t do that.

12

Me and Bor-Bor agree. We like pugs

13

Why is this lady always 100lbs overweight and afflicted with just as many health problems as her poor dogs??! Get your own self in order you crazy old bint!

14

Maybe this isn’t that common in other parts of the country, but…

The Hunter

Demographic: male, 45-60

In the spring and summer, he stands resolutely at the edge of the pond/lake while his two dogs take turns retrieving a very weathered toy from the water. One of his dogs is old and slow, and the other is fairly young. The Hunter yells commands to his dogs in normal English, (“no, it’s still out there. Go back.” “let Red get his own. I’ve still got yours here.”) and, amazingly, they seem to understand exactly what he wants.* He offers no praise that you can discern, but his animals seem unfathomably loyal and almost desperate to please him. He completely ignores the other dog park patrons, and his dogs completely ignore all other canines.
*Alternately, he communicates with them via a series of whistles. I saw a hunter do this at a dog park once, and it totally blew my mind.

15

Do you know her!?

I fall somewhere between The Agility Hippie and the Poop Nazi, though we’re happy to play frisbee with any dog that wanders up and isn’t a jerk.

16

Honestly, I pay more attention to the dogs…

The Ball Chaser
Often a Border Collie, but can be any breed. Doesn’t give a flip about anything in the park except that one ball. Throw the ball. Throw the ball.
Also: The Greyhound Rescue, who just wants to run.

The Big Puppy
A large breed puppy, usually around 9-11 months old. He has no clue what’s going on. He still runs around as happy as can be, bumping into people, other dogs, trees, plays with anything he comes across for a few seconds, then moves on.

Person Dog
Thinks she’s a people. Doesn’t really interact too much with the other dogs, but makes a point to greet each and every human in the park.

The Submissive
Whenever greeted or challenged, immediately lays or her back. Sometimes pees. Otherwise friendly.

The Dominant Play-Fighter
Loves to play, but hasn’t figured out all the rules, so he just tries for the pin move every time. Tries to play with evey dog at the park until they all get sick of him.

The Former Show Dog
Prances around the park. Ventures into dog park life like an Amish kid out on Rumspringa.