The Poetry of Donald J. Trump -- Special Fruit Assault Edition

The BBQ Pit
1

Trump Deposition
New York, NY
October 18, 2021

Lawyer: “Knock the crap out of them, would you?” That was your statement?’

Oh, yeah
It was very dangerous
We were threatened

Lawyer: With what?

They were going to throw
Fruit
We were threatened
We had a threat.

Lawyer: How did you become aware that there was a threat that people were going to throw fruit?

We were told

And you get hit by fruit, it’s…
No
It’s very violent stuff.
We were on alert for that.

Lawyer: A tomato is a fruit, I guess. It has seeds.

It’s worse than a tomato
It’s other things also
But tomato,
When they start doing that stuff
It’s very dangerous.
It’s very dangerous stuff
You can get killed with those things

I wanted to have people be ready
Because we were put on alert
That they were going to do fruit.
And some fruit is a lot worse than…
Tomatoes are bad, by the way.

But it’s very dangerous.
No
I wanted them to watch
They were on alert
They were going to hit
They were going to hit hard.

Lawyer: Do you have any knowledge as to whether or not anyone was found to have tomatoes in their possession on that date?

I don’t know

But it didn’t happen
It worked out that nothing happened
We heard it was going to happen
But nothing happened.

Lawyer: Mr. President, Is it your expectation that if your security guards see someone about to throw a tomato that they should knock the crap out of them?

Well,
A Tomato
A Pineapple
A lot of other things they throw…
They have to be aggressive in stopping that
from happening
Because if that happens
You can be killed if that happens

Lawyer: And getting aggressive includes the use of physical force?

To stop someone
From throwing
Pineapples
Tomatoes
Bananas
Stuff like that

Yeah
It’s dangerous stuff

Lawyer: I have no further questions.

2

And the verdict of the Turing Test: not human.

3

I think all of us remember where we were when we heard those haunting words.

“Incoming!”
splat splat splat
“All units, POTUS has been tomatoed! I repeat, POTUS has been tomatoed!”

4

Why does the President say dumb things like that? Has he had very little experience having conversations with people rather than giving them directions? Does he really believe you can be killed as a result of fruit thrown at you?

5

He’s not the president.

Thank god.

6

Am I being whooshed? This conversation is satire, right? It did not happen, did it?

7

This Is Just To Say

I have pelted
the president
with the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me

8

Sadly, no.

Sadly, yes.

9

Jeeeezz… did nobody teach him self-defense against fresh fruit?

10

President**

  • impeached
    ** twice

That is all

11

Former President, my apologies. But is he truly that dumb? Does he believe that everyone is like a prospective real estate buyer, and will believe him?

12

Well, he is a self-described “Stable Genius”. Not many people self-describe that way. Draw your own conclusions.

Though actually, he can now be described as “a stable genius with a well-developed protective sense of self-preservation against attacks by fresh fruit”.

But there are worse horrors in the world than fresh fruit. Needless to say, when looking for movie reviews, one site that the Orange Peril avoids like Dracula avoiding high noon and has never, ever visited and never will, is Rotten Tomatoes .com

13

Speaking for the most part to servants and employees, I wonder if he thinks people will believe anything he says.

14

When you’re a bullshitter, it matters not if people believe your bullshit.

What matters is that they ACT on your bullshit, and do what you want.

15

Courts may not act in the manner he expects.

16

Peaches are fruit, are they not?

17

My favorite part was when the lawyer interjected to point out that tomatoes are fruits, too, because they have seeds.

18

A prune isn’t really a vegetable. Cabbage is a vegetable.

19

…and, in the case of Duh-Donald, it’s also a former president.

20

Some people don’t go for prunes.