Like a phoenix rising from the ashes, the Raj Ratings are back. And this time, they are tangentially related to their initial target which was a cinematic masterpiece known as The Apprentice. The levels of buffoonery, population density, impossible promise making, and Joe Biden handsiness demands that all parties involved must be properly assessed and ranked for the likelihood of running against former Apprentice lead actor Donald Trump in ……… the most shocking rose ceremony ever!!! Wait, wrong show. But you get the point.
The Raj Ratings have traveled the gamut of ranking methods, all of which have been proven as scientifically more accurate than any registered scientician has ever managed in a sterile setting. In honor of our current President attaining the highest honor the leader of the free world can earn (WWE Hall of Fame – 2013) and because, in the words of noted American philosopher Ric Flair “To be the man, you gotta beat the man”, I present the Raj Ratings – 2020 Democratic Primary – Professional Wrestler Edition. Let’s see if we can clearly isolate the ultimate winner through made up reality show metrics.
Gimmick wrestlers that never had a chance
The Shockmaster – When your first entrance into the foray makes it clear you are already done
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Richard Ojeda, Eric Swalwell, Sarah Harris-Myers, Mike Gravel, Jay Inslee, Alfred Montez, Seth Moulton, Tim Ryan, Wayne Messam, Jon Alfredson, Joe Sestak, Steve Bullock, Julian Castro – I made up three of those names and I bet no one could correctly pick them out if their life depended on it
Glacier – it takes a little bit, but it’s clear early on that no matter how much money is thrown at it, it just ain’t gonna happen
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John Hickenlooper – The intangibles seemed promising but much like a 30 man battle royale, you aren’t winning if you don’t have a big enough name. -
Kristen Gillibrand – Never gained footing, traction, or attention -
Bill de Blasio – The political equivalent of a wrestling heel. But instead of being someone you love to hate, he generally just engenders a very meh level of dislike -
Beto O’Rourke – Remember when David Arquette won the WCW heavyweight title? That would be exact equivalent of Beto winning the presidency -
Kamala Harris – You know those times when tag team member A takes the folded chair, turns on tag team member B and then beats the living daylights out of him while the crowd goes crazy and Jim Ross loses his mind? Tag team member A is Tulsi Gabbard and tag team member B is Kamala Harris.
The Jobbers
Leapin’ Lanny Poffo – memorable with a schtick, but never really had a chance
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Marianne Williamson – If there is any candidate you could see reciting poetry and then throwing Frisbees into the crowd, it’s Marianne. She might be out of the race by the time I submit this post. Or she might have ascended to 8th level love purification. There is really no in-between. -
Deval Patrick – Much like Poffo labored under the shadow of his real life brother Macho Man Savage, most of Deval’s association is as a subjugate of Barack Obama. Lots of potential, little reality, and life in the third tier.
Iron Mike Sharpe – lower level accolades and bounced around just about every organization that mattered. But barely registering in the history books
3. Michael Bennet – Somehow still running, but I bet you forgot
4. John Delaney – Little known fact: Delaney was the first person to announce his candidacy way back on July 28, 2017. More widely known fact: it hasn’t and won’t matter
5. Amy Klobuchar – When the main memory of your candidacy comes down to hair bounciness, it is impossible to ascend to main event status
Managers and Valets
The Million Dollar Man, Ted DiBiase – The manager with the cash but didn’t do much in the ring
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Michael Bloomberg – He has $58B and smells a lot like a guy trying to buy a title. -
Tom Steyer – Committed to spend $100M in an attempt to win the presidency, or $20M for every person that really cares about his candidacy (he has a wife and four kids)
Bobby “The Brain” Heenan – The smartest man in the sport with all the ideas in the world but little tangible success
3. Andrew Yang – Has the brainpower and certainly not afraid to share his ideas. But when it comes to throwing his weight around, he takes a backseat to the true professionals
** “The Mouth of the South” Jimmy Hart** – Ever meet that person punching above their weight class but talked a good game?
4. Tulsi Gabbard – If there is one thing she has done well, it’s build name recognition while hitting an unsuspecting opponent with a foreign object while doing very little actual wrestling
Tag teams
The Rockers – or the duo that had one star and one average guy. Also, the memory of their impact is a lot higher than what they actually accomplished
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Pete Buttigieg (the Shawn Michaels role) – Shawn’s time in this tag team made it clear he had potential but just wasn’t quite there yet. It took him breaking away from the duo and finding his own niche for a couple of years before big success. Pete has the same path – a too crowded field and too wet behind the ears but building to something in the future worth watching -
Cory Booker (the Marty Jannetty role) – Marty’s peak was with this team but he was ultimately left in the dust and never popped higher than these moments. Cory had a chance to make an impact, missed the chance to land any type of big hit from the top rope and is now destined to headline second tier promotions while wondering what might have been.
The Main Eventers
Ric Flair – All the accolades and checks all the boxes, but has also shifted from his prime to being a bit of a trainwreck
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Joe Biden – There is no better match for Biden. Prime Ric Flair dominated the stage. He was wildly loved or hated and drove the crowd to a frenzy, and did all of it far longer than anyone thought possible. However, when the prime passed, the fall was hard. Do you remember that moment in a Flair match when he would take a hard hit and then start his stilted walk followed by a hard faceplant/pratfall? That’s the physical equivalent of Biden on the campaign trail right now. He still looks mostly like you remember the 16 time champ, but he can no longer carry a match or make the same kind of moves. The fan memories can carry a wrestler year’s beyond his prime but at some point the in-ring drop off is too much to overcome.
The Undertaker – The guy that just won’t die, just won’t quit, benefits from looking the same as he did 20 years ago but that façade belies some serious drop off
2. Bernie Sanders – This guy had a heart attack on the campaign trail and hasn’t really missed a beat. If that doesn’t make you think of the Undertaker’s patented “get pounded for 12 minutes, play dead, then rise up from the coffin to magically kick some serious butt” move, then you don’t know wrestling or politics (side note: VERY small Venn diagram). The Undertaker reached icon status by always coming back for more, delivering high quality spots and pops years beyond his time, and seemingly always having one more life in the tank. But, every good run has to end and the lack of mobility and versatility syncs up with Sanders moving past wild-eyed and exciting change of pace candidate and into one trick pony Uncle Al at Thanksgiving might need his own table status. It was a glorious curveball in theatrics and output thrown by both, but the party is over.
Kevin Nash – The interloper that tried to mastermind a 180 pivot in wrestling power, but the best laid plans often fail to land
3. Elizabeth Warren – While I was tempted to shoehorn her in as Wahoo McDaniel, she fits better with the progenitor of the New World Order faction clashes of the 90s. While Nash played the role of linchpin and brains driving the NWO wedge in the 90’s, Warren has played a similar political role in trying to change the old white guy dynamic at the top of the polls while having a plan for every potential issue that exists. And it all sounds great for a while. The fans are fired up, which wrestler is next to join the faction?, rumors of a new pickup, upsetting the applecart, driving eyes/ratings/reactions to new highs. But, at some point, it all comes crashing down because while a comet of change can burn bright, it will also eventually fade. And what will be left? In wrestling, it’s a stable of stiff jointed has-beens trying to market the memories of long past glory days. Politically, it’s a candidate trying to hold on to the spotlight while less academically boring candidates focus their attacks on an enemy that is better in isolation than on the defensive.
So with that long screed now done, I think it’s clear that the Raj Ratings have once again proven beyond the shadow of a doubt that Joe Biden is the clear winner of the Democratic nomination. If we could just get society at large to understand this, we could all save a lot of money, pain, arguments, and commercial time for more important things. Like professional wrestling.