Trump became President, so it's time for the triumphant return of the Raj Ratings!

Like a famished zombie in the night, I rise to once again feast on the succulent innards of a completely made up and arbitrary rating system designed solely to delight me while getting in the way of much needed productivity. If there was ever any event that could revive the Raj Ratings for one last shot down the glory hole of reality TV, former Apprentice host and all around gas bag Donald Trump getting elected president is just that event. Sure, it’s been something like 8 years since I did this and none of you has a clue what this is, but off I go!

But, you say, “Wait, the Apprentice isn’t on. There are no self-aggrandizing, attention seeking, supposed smartest but not really contestants to mock and judge.” To that, I say BALDERDASH!! Because if Trump can get elected President, the door is wide open for every other reality TV host to aim for the highest office in the land. And they probably, nay they must, be ranked. And I am just the ranker to turn them into rankees. So, with apologies to Arnold Schwarzenegger, Anderson Cooper, and TJ Lavin, we rank the top 15 hosts with the most………favorable prospects in 2020.

Joe Millionaire Level – they say they’re legit, but they really aren’t

15 – Paula Abdul (American Idol) – She has that kinda crazy, kinda attainable, kinda hot vibe that could appeal to the Millenial bro faction. But if Trump is seen as a bad choice because he might say something off script, then Abdul is nigh untouchable due to her random ramblings. Random polling impact: +2% for believably dancing with a cartoon cat.

14 – Howie Mandel (Deal or No Deal) – He might desperately want to be seen as legitimate, but the entire electorate would know that a 7th grader with basic statistics and Excel skills could single-handedly run that game show from a 10 year old laptop. Random polling impact: -12% for that irritating cartoon voice and the rubber glove on the head schtick.

Storage Wars Level – second tier and on the fringes, but a clear electorate base

13 – Julie Chen (Big Brother) – Appeals to people that want diversity but turns off anyone that enjoys seeing normal facial movement when a human talks. She has polish and a flair for dramatic head turns, but is also clearly not a serious choice due to the clear nepotism of her previous success, like a homeless man’s Jeb Bush. Random polling impact: +1% because people know if she can chat with Big Brother contestants with a straight face, she can handle Putin.

12 – Ty Pennington (Extreme Makeover: Home Edition) – His manic excitement that mirrors a sugar fueled 6 year old on Christmas morning is equal parts endearing and punchable. He’s a white guy which is a 35% floor in any election just as a starting point. His questionable life choices drive away the religious right while his carpentry skills earn him love as a bridge builder across the political aisle. But mainly, he’s like an unfettered puppy and no one trusts puppies with state secrets. Random polling impact: -3% because his hot carpenter vibe has shifted to weird older guy vibe.

11 – Tyra Banks (America’s Next Top Model) – Racially follows in the footsteps of Obama, genderly follows in the hoped for footsteps of Hillary but has crazy eyes and a bent towards random insanity. Comes across as a bargain basement Oprah, so why not just elect Oprah? Offends people like Sue in Omaha who don’t like how she looks comparatively. If her cabinet mirrors her show’s judging panel, then every summit would be a debacle. Random polling impact: +8% because she is hot with a big rack and this is still America.

Outback Jack level – pleasant enough, but completely forgettable in the long run

10 – Chris Harrison (The Bachelor) – Smooth in odd situations, used to being surrounded by horny drunkards so Camp David would be a breeze. But I bet most of you have watched the show and couldn’t describe how this guy looks to a sketch artist. Random polling impact: +0.5% because everyone knows the Rose Garden would be even more magical.

9 - Tom Bergeron (Dancing With the Stars) – Inspires no great passion or hatred. In fact, I can’t think of anything to write about him. Random polling impact: +2% because the inaugural balls would probably see some nice moves on the dance floor.
Eurovision level – completely foreign so completely non-Constitutional even though they are all electably popular**

8 – Simon Cowell (American Idol among others) – If Trump can get elected, then certainly this guy can. While he’s bombastic, he’s more enjoyable and less likely to start randomly attacking sub-groups of the population. To his detriment, his foreign birth excludes him. Random polling impact: -3% because the populace likes a little more flair than black t-shirts.

7 – Padme Lakshmi (Project Runway) – She’s good looking with a mysterious foreign air about her (with foreign being the problem. Seems like the perfect candidate to offend no one while saying nothing specific all wrapped up in an external package that basically everyone is OK with. But, the Constitution. Random polling impact: +9%, all the intangible of Tyra, less of the crazy ex vibe.

6 – Heidi Klum (Project Runway) – See Padme but bump up 10% because she seems more approachable. Random polling impact: -0.5% for people who think she once married an actual seal as opposed to the singer Seal.

5 – Phil Keoghan (The Amazing Race) – The easy winner except for that whole country of birth issue. He’s calm under pressure, he’s already seen the world, he handles fatigue/crazy people/rat temples/random hugs with aplomb. Everyone seems to love him. His eyebrow pop would play exceptionally well on the world stage and would likely solve the Middle East peace process on it’s own. While he continually has to send people home, they always seem to love him for it. Unfortunately his New Zealand birth does him in. Random polling impact: none, but he’d likely have random constitutional convention impact in an effort to make him eligible.

The Amazing Race level – They had a shot to be the best, but just couldn’t quite get there

4 – Bob Harper (The Biggest Loser) – Based on show gossip, the likeliest to completely make up facts to support a narrative, so that’s a negative. And if you’ve ever done his pure burn cardio dvd, you know he is essentially evil at heart. But, he also motivates well, works hard, and could likely beat up most other world leaders. Random polling impact: +5% because major tattooing seems pretty hip with the younger crowd nowadays.

3 – Tim Gunn (Project Runway) – While his act just won’t play in the Bible belt, he seems like a genuinely good dude who could outthink other world leaders without them realizing it. His odd accent and cadence makes him sound 12 percent smarter than he really is which is key in debates. No real negatives, but too many locked in opposition groups. Random polling impact: +2% for snappy dressing, -2% because he voices a character on Sofia the first which is just wrong.

2 – Ryan Seacrest (American Idol) – As offensive as mayonnaise, as memorable as 90’s corporate gray carpet colors. Completely inoffensive, fairly peppy, everyone’s little brother all while smiling deep into your soul. No one could say a bad thing about him without looking like they were attacking a puppy. Random polling impact: -3% considering he took over for Dick Clark so he might be part of the same undead cabal secretly controlling world commerce.

Survivor Level – The best one in the biz

1 – Jeff Probst (Survivor) – Seems like everybody’s best friend. Has seen the world and dealt with every demographic breakdown there might be. Can likely start a fire on his own. Blends perfect levels of smugness, contempt, snark, and affability in high pressure situations. Can say dorky catchphrases and lines without batting an eye. Might offend the religious right with his constant use of idols, but most people would still just want to see him smile. Random polling impact: +5% because, according to his show, may very well have once jetskiied across the Pacific while holding a voting urn.

And with that, I bid you adieu til the next time when Omarosa makes national headlines for punching a schoolteacher in her new job running the Department of Education.

This totally fucking rocks!

ETA: I don’t even recognize most of those names, but this still totally fucking rocks!

BTW, what did you end up getting Kim for her wedding?

Mandel’s out. Too Canadian.

What is a Raj Rating?

Speaking of Storage Wars, how about that guy that shouts “yep” every time he bids. I can’t imagine that would ever grow old in a presidential candidate.

Padma Lahksmi is on Top Chef, not PR.


A large chunk of those folks aren’t eligible, not being natural born citizens, nor having a faked long form birth certificate from Hawai’i.

Probst, Cowell, Mandel, Klum off the top of my head

You could rate the clowns who will probably end up in Trump’s Cabinet.
(And I remember – and missed! – The Raj Ratings.)

How could you omit Matt LeBlanc, host of Top Gear, the world’s #1 TV motoring show?

And Simon Cowell’s British, so ineligible.

If you’re under the impression that the OP had the mistaken belief that persons on that list were all eligible, you might want to reread this sentence. I suppose there might be a semblance of a point for those names not in that section.

Also, if you believe Wikipedia, Probst was born in Kansas. Or maybe I’m being counter-wooshed.

Guilty as charged, m’lud!

So good!