The REAL 9-11 Conspiracy

The BBQ Pit
1

I’m tired of seeing everyone blame so many different people for what happened on 9-11. A lot of people blame Al Qaeda, I’ve even seen some people say it was an inside job by Bush or some version of the Illuminati. The fact is, you’re all wrong; its my fault. I can’t live with the guilt anymore, so allow me to explain.

I remember it like it was only five years ago. It was September 10th; it was a Monday. I was an undergrad at the time and I had Mondays off that semester. One of my friends had an excellent TV and surround sound system so, naturally, we gathered at his home to watch the Monday Night Football game.

We had the great pleasure of watching two teams we hated (the Broncos and Giants) put up a rather lack-luster game and, to top it all, we listened to Dennis Miller burning it up with his glorious wit in the booth :rolleyes:. Needless to say, by halftime, the game became the background to our discussion. We began discussing more interesting topics: my friends, their jobs; me, school. In each case, we began talking about how much we weren’t looking forward to going to work/class the next day.

One friend mentioned what he would be willing to do or have happen to not have to go to school. As so often happens with guys, we kept topping eachother with what we wouldn’t mind happenning until it took a morbid turn, one mentioned “If someone had to die for me not to go to work, that’s fine with me”. Ha, that’s nothing, I can beat that: “If 5,000 people had to die for me to get a day off school, that’s fine. Hell, if 10,000 people had to die for me to get two days off, even better.”

Little did I know that that would win. Little did I know that they would agree with me. Little did I know that the collective power of my friends and I could determine the future, because that’s exactly what happened. Sure, we all know what happened the next morning, and that no where near that many died that day. But I remember early estimates: 5,000 dead and moments later cancelations were announced; no classes that evening. Then, a few hours later, a higher estimate, 10,000 dead; then soon classes were cancelled the next day as well. I got exactly what I wanted. Sure, we found out those estimates were grossly exaggerated; but really, when it comes down to it, I’m sure that’s probably conservative for the total death toll as a result. Regardless, its all my fault.

So, why is this here? I wanted to put it in MPSIMS, but I fully expect someone to try to reem me, so I thought I’d save the mods a bit of trouble. So, have at it…

2

Bill Clinton, is that you? That’s not how they showed you causing 9/11 on CBS.

3

B_M, You ARE turning yourself in to Homeland Security tomorrow morning, aren’t you?

4

Have you sprung a leak? Do you think Dopers are simply walking around with rolls of oakum looking for places to apply it?

5

Actually, I WORK for DHS. Really makes you feel safe, eh?

6

When I was first telling the story to people, everyone kept telling me I was some kind sick disgusting human being. Then again, that might have been because it was in the first few months after 9-11, so maybe people were just a bit more sensitive about it then than they are now?

7

. . . I killed the Black Dahlia . . .

There. I said it. I feel much better now.

8

Hello! Spoiler box! Sheesh :wink:

9

Er, so you’re turing yourself in to yourself?

10

Who is playing you in the movie?

11

“What’s that, sir?”

“That’s my new wireless phone from Sprint. It lets me talk how I want, where I want, when I want. It’s my little way of…sticking it to The Man.”

“But you are The Man.”

“Right.”

“So you’re sticking it to yourself?”

“Maybe.”

12

Damn.

Would you and your friends please get together and visualize me buying a ticket with all six numbers correct on the next drawing of the Texas Mega Millions lottery?

Thanks!

13

Well, you can’t expect them to tell the real story, now can you? The mundanes would panic if they knew what could happen when Sex Magick goes wrong…

14

The real conspirators were nin laden’s bankers, who had bought gold futurtes. they probably increased OBL’s fortunes by >100%. No dopubt there were many profits to be made in this disaster, but OBL made enough to fund his terro organization for years to come.

15

It is unethical to use our powers for financial gain; however, we can try to get you a day off of work… just don’t spend it at the casino.

16

What school did you go to where you can’t just miss a day of class, without someone having to die for it?

17

Ah, I see. I think you are the first to connect Al-Qaeda and Trent Reznor. It all make perfect, diabolical sense now.

18

Since you fessed up to your role in the largest terrorist attack on America, I guess it is time for me to take responsibility for my part in the the murder of one of the 20th century’s most influential singer/songwriters. Some claim it was a crazed gunman, some say the gunman was actually the pawn of the CIA. Some say Bush did it, (except back then it was Bush the Elder). Until now my role in it has not been brought to the authorties attention. But I find I can no longer live with this guilt either. So by telling my story here, perhaps I will get some relief from this burden I have been carrying all these years.

I was in high school, talking with a group of friends about going to a Rolling Stones concert rumored to be in the works. One girl said she had no desire to see the Stones, The Beatles were the only band she would ever want to see in concert. I said I doubted they would ever get back together. She said they would. I said they wouldn’t.

So she raises the stakes, she says, “I will bet you $5.00 The Beatles get back together.” I said I would take that bet. Then she laughed and told me I had just made a bet that was impossible to collect on. I asked her what she meant.

“Well, if The Beatles do get back together, then on that date I will get $5.00 from you. But if The Beatles never get back together, there will never be a date that you can collect. You can’t win a bet on something not happening unless you state by a certain date, and you didn’t, so there is no way you can win!”

I pointed out the obvious flaw in her logic. “Well, I can collect as soon as one of them kicks the bucket.”

She was quite upset at the thought, she had thought she had me. We probably would have forgotten all about the bet, except that very night John Lennon was shot and killed.

The next day at school, everyone was talking about the sad news. And even though we weren’t really part of The Beatles generation, we still all liked their music, and we knew many of our favorite singers credited The Beatles as being who influenced them the most. Everyone was quite sad and stunned.

It wasn’t long before word about our bet got around and several people actually stopped talking to me. It wasn’t so much they thought I had anything to do with it, but they seemed to think I must have had some vision of it happening, and didn’t tell the authorities, so I was somewhat to blame for his death. ( Remember, we are talking about high school girls here) A number of people were even a bit scared of me after that, afraid I could see how they were going to die.

And no, she never paid up on the $5.00. I wouldn’t have dared to ask and wouldn’t have taken it anyway, the whole thing was very creepy.

But not so creepy that I refrain from participating in the SDMB Celebrity Death Pool. :eek:

19

You BASTARD!

20

Could you call your friends and debate how many have to die for me to get laid?