Of course ONLY I can do them - I take this part of the job very seriously!
BTW, can you help with Sake and Fool - maybe some clever little tool you have in the lab, something to take the electrons out of each atom in their bodies? Hmmm, that may be a nice idea for a massage…
(Walks off eating bricks from retaining wall as show of toughness)
Oh great Overlord: When do we send in one of our stealthy guys to create havok over at the Legion of Honor? I have a collapsible grappling hook which I think could be quite handy.
I am now pleased to announce that we have now brought the proud nation of Germany to it’s knees.
Since our aggregate worth now exceeds 828.6 Trillion dollars, I have been able to employ the services of one “Samuel L. Jackson”.
As many of you may know, he is the baddest, meanest mofo motown evah seen, mmm-hmmm! <!snapsnap*!> you know dis girfren.
Anyway, he is here to take care of a little problem we have been having lately.
<looks to shadowy area behind throne, and a lights fire up. A curtain rises, showing a very shaky and cold-sweaty Sake Samurai sitting in a chair. A cold hamburger is on the table in front of him.>
<enter Sam L. stage right, in full Jules character>
<he begins to speak>
“Hello sake-mah-man,” he says congenially. “How’s it goin’?”
“F-f-fine, I guess,” Sake stammers.
“Good. I want to talk to you about my business associates known as “the Legion of Doom”, you do remember them right?”
“Sure,” Sake says, looking around nervously…
“Good,” Jules says. “You remember the Evil Overlord, Lexicon?”
“Yeah,” is sake’s reply, starting to relax now.
“Right on, mah-man. What does he look like?”
“What?”
Jules tosses table aside, suddenly very angry “What country you from?”
“W-w-what?” Sake stammers.
“What aint no country I ever heard of, they speak English in What?”
“W-what?”
“ENGLISH MUTHAFUCKA, DO YOU SPEAK IT?” Jules raors.
“Y-yes!” Sake squeals.
“Then you understand what I’m sayin’?!”
“Yes! Yes!” Sake sqeeks.
“What does Lexicon look like?”
“What?”
Jules sticks his big ass gun in Sake’s face. “Say ‘what’ again. SAY ‘WHAT’ AGAIN! I dare you, I double dare you, motherfucker! Say ‘what’ one more goddamn time!”
“He’s b-b-big…” Sake stammers.
“Go on,”
“He’s got a goatee-”
“Does he look like a bitch?” Jules asks.
“What?”
BANG! Jules shoots Sake in the shoulder…“DOES-HE-LOOK-LIKE-A-BITCH?”
“NO!” Sake cries.
“Then why you tryin’ to fuck him like a bitch, Sake?”
“I didn’t!”
“Yes you did, Sake, yes you did. And Lexicon don’t like to be fucked by anyone but Mrs. Lexicon. You know, I got a bible passage memorized, kind of fits this occasion. Ezekiel 25:17?
‘The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.’”
Jules raises his gun and pops off about 37 caps.
<The curtain falls.>
<APPLAUSE sign flashes…>
You see how we deal with those who oppose us? Nothing but the best for our hated foes.
As you can see, in accordance with the manual, shooting is not too good for our enemies…
Now on to further bulletins.
Scarelet Pimpernel, I am now charging you with infiltrating the Mentos corporation and getting rid of those inane commercials, except in the whitehouse, where nothing but those will play on their fancy multiple monitor display panels. You will need the help of Swimming Riddles and struuter to achieve this end.
And oh yes, <hands over a fat duffle bag of cash>
Good job. Take the afternoon off.
tradesilicon, I have taken the liberty of hiring Samuel L. Jackson to assist in the dispatching of various insects like those you have mentioned.
Swiddles, you shall create for us a cyborg that can infiltrate the hated Legion of Honor and report to us sensitive information. Chop chop!
Dark Master,
It has come to my attention while skulking unseen at those “other fool’s” thread, that we need far more hecklers from the Great and Powerful Legion of Doom over there. Should it behoove your Greatness, I think procuring some shock troopers would be perfect to this end.
Other than that I can only report that most of the activity is along the lines of either druken hippy lovefests or idiotic grand schemes doomed to fail. It would appear they are a nation of blundering morons. Yet I do leave open the possibility it is all a great hoax designed to throw us off . . . nah, its gotta be idiots.
When I have more I will sneak back. Oh, and thanks for the “vacation” to Germany - it was a lot of fun hehhehheh.
(b)I remain your humble servant.**
Lex wrote:
{ahem} {tapping foot}
You know, my resume is up to date, and I’ve gotten some phone calls from a couple of Evil Headhunters. I have very marketable Evil skills, and there are lots of places looking for Evil Scientists like myself. The job market is pretty good these days, you know. Maybe I ought to offer up my services to the Legion of Honor, hmmm?
What’s a little recognition going to cost me? Or do I have to come up with some potent new chemical to make me irresistible to Evil Overlords.
You know, sometimes… I’ll tell ya… the things I do… sheesh!
Esprix E. Coyote, Super Genius (“I like the sound of that…”)
Esprix,
Don’t get too upset. You’ve mastered the whole lurking-in-evil thing to perfection. I don’t think you’re being passed over. Probably the Unholy Usurper of Good is just giving you that need time and privacy to work on your secret whatchamacallits.
The Whitehouse/commercial mission is probably beneath your advanced skill. Swimming is only going because she looks so good in the black Matrix-esque duster and sunglasses. It’s important, as you well know, that Evil Scientists look good. And I think she likes to hurt people whenever possible. One of the things I really admire in her.
Just out of curiosity, would you like to torture some evil-wannabes with me this afternoon? Just as a break from your work? You can bring your favorite toys…
struuter
All right Evil One!! Excellent!! We have SammyL?!?! Awesome stuff Evil guy! I am elated above the clouds of gunk we spew from our chimeny! (Head-butts several steel support beams with forehead in celebration, breaking one.)
This opens up all kinds of posibilities! I can ask Sammy to sparr with me on Fridays (that damn dragon is getting old), and he can help me with those catch-the-bullets-with-your-teeth workouts since he’s such a great shot, and…
(Walks off exitedly, gargling nails in macho-testosterone high).
::Grumble, mutter, snort::…::mops up blood::
What’s this? Somebody else is trying to take over the world!! Get this bunch of amateurs
http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=24812
I know our spies are probably watching Evil One, but just thought you may want to nip this in the bud before it speads.
Eh, I wouldn’t worry about this upstart Napoleon wannabe.
He only wants to take over Vancouver Island.
We have nothing to fear from a bunch of bloody canucks. We shall let them have their little corner of the world that we shally surely shortly dominate.
Shut up, a little alliteration never hurt anyone.
Anyway, I have yet to hear back from Silo, aka Sergeant Quake. If we don’t here back from him or see any reports on CNN of the Havok he and our Legions of Terror are wreaking, I shall assume him MIA. Therefore we may have an opening for one Sergeant Quake soon. I shall wait until midnight, May 19, 2000.
Hmmmm.
I bet you are all wondering what I have up my grimy little sleeve next aren’t you?
::bump::
Lex, I think Esprix needs some mediation. The LAST thing we need is a Super Genius with low job satistfaction.
God, the competition in the Evil Scientist division is BITING.
Have you tried DEET?
::rimshot::
G’night, folks! Tip your waitress!
With the help of some really cool gadgets from our Evil Scientist Department, I kidnapped all the advertising executives at the Mentos corporation and brought them to the lab. SwimmingRiddles and struuter imploded their brains and replaced them with isotropic directional radio transmitters. I then returned the android executives to their offices. You should be in posession of the control unit even now, your Evil Overlordship, sir. Now you control the workings of the executives’ brains, and thereby the content of the Mentos ads. I thought perhaps you could use them to propagandise or perhaps just strike fear and terror into the hearts of the international populace.
There is also a switch on the control unit so that you can choose whether the Whitehouse surveillance screens show the original, nauseating, mindnumbing commercials or your diabolically evil brainwashing ones.
Thank you for the bag of cash, sir! Awaiting my next assignment, sir!
Dark One,
I have managed to convert the entire population of Vancouver, WA over to serve the darkness which you so thoroughly represent. I shall provide details as soon as I complete all my ancilliary duties, which must not go further neglected.
Lexicon,
Our sabbatical from the methodical spread of the Legion Of Doom has brought forth yet another half-hearted attempt to impinge upon our rightful territory. An Evil Overlord’s work is never done, apparently.
How shall we procede? shall Sgt. Quake be called upon to dispatch these so-called Villains?
Mr. Cynical
Number One
DSMB Legions Of DOOM