“swiftly diminishing vestigial loyalty to the concept of human good” that’s me to a “T”. Or hasen’t anyone noticed how I always seem to be trying to make peace in the pit?
The organisation really could use more than one superhero, if only so we can work shifts and keep our secret identities.
Being nigh invulnerable and having super-senses, I’d like to think I qualify for the job. However, I haven’t taken stock of my vestigal loyalty to human good in a while. It was pretty low last time I checked.
hides Legion of Doom Secret Agent badge
Is there a position open for Chief of Security for All Top Secret Matters?
I’d make an excellent casualty. Then the rest of you can avenge me.
OMG, Falcon, we totally simulposted the exact same thing! I don’ think that’s ever happened to me here before. GMTA, huh?
So how 'bout it guys – 2 Moneypennys? Or should I apply for a different position since Falcon’s request preceded mine?
I want to be the love interest of the Chief. <Hey, why not start at the top?> Or, barring that, the XO, having some experience in that role. I’d even be willing to be one of the *not-so-*ordinary agents. <shameless sucking up to the big guy> Whatever you need, oh esteemed Chief.
View panel crackles on, displaying the scarred features of the Evil Overlord of the SDMB Legions of Terror.
<Darth Vader voice malfunctions, sounds like Dark Helmet of SpaceBalls fame instead>
So, Wally, it seems you have seen it wise to ally yourself with this stinking group of well wishers and do-gooding hypocrits.
After all we have shared you still are determined to scoff and the prestigious position I have seen to be placed at your feet.
Know this. I shall find another, more scrupulous secret agent, and you shall not know 'til it is too late his identity.
As for you, SingleDad, I shall drink you under the table!
<lifts visor, quaffs deeply, puts visor back down>
BUUUUUUUUUUUUUU–UUUUUUUUURP!!!
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA–AAAAA!
Ahem.
I used to be a Sexy Secret Agent for the Self-Righteous Clique. I was good. Damn good. I got them money, I got them secrets, I got them a damn island off the coast of Italy. I take a short vacation, and what happens? I’m out of a job.
I’ve been working on Superpower training for a while now. I thought I could use it for the SRC, but my butt still hurts from getting Lex’s shoved in it. So screw those guys, I’m coming here.
Qualifications:
Perfect Hair
Elevated Cleavage
Hidden Weaponry
Superpower training:
I have two children, one age 3, one age 7 months. I have eyes in the back (and sides) of my head, arm extensions to the length of 7 feet, winged heels, and bionic hearing. I can also do approximately 14 things at once.
I have also managed to keep all of my contacts within many levels of many, many governments, large and small. What can I say? I was good.
My husband is a stay-at-home dad, so I can travel if necessary. I am also willing to kick in a portion of my pay to construct an on-site day care. Hey, this is the Legion of Honor, right? On-site day care is the way to go now.
Notification!
I am a befuddled but nosy mid level city functionary who’s suddenly stumbled across your odd organization’s heavy and unexplained overuse of the city’s power grid and somehow feels that ANSWERS MUST BE PROVIDED!
I will be stopping in now and again to pry in either a heavy-handed or bungling-yet-abusive manner to get to the bottom of this!
And don’t think I don’t see you all smirking behind my back! I just KNOW something fishy is going on here… (Just wait’ll the Mayor’s office responds to my Request for Consideration of Possible Investigative Considerations; oh yes, you can hide, but you can’t, er — well, just wait, anyway!)
You may be sure that I’ll be back. Oh yes.
This message has been simulposted to the SDMB Legion of Doom…
If nothing else, y’all could be The Wonder Twins!
All you need is an annoying blue pet monkey.
Jess, I’ve already designed a little something-something for you…Nuclear Earings!
Ummm…how’s your throwing arm?
I want to be the clueless innocent bystander who unwittingly walks into the most hazardous situation and, unbelievably, gets missed by all the crossfire but presses exactly the wrong button to screw up the whole operation.
I also want to apply for the ‘standing at the roadside scratching my head wondering what in tarnation is going on’ position.
Oh yeah, Xenophon’s little rant there reminded me of something I stupidly failed to mention: When I’m not superheroing or spying or momming, I do have a straight job. I am a city employee.
Some things are universal when it comes to mayors. They don’t listen to the mid-level city functionaries. They don’t even listen to their City Councils, unless the TV crews are there, filming them in attendance at an actual City Council meeting, with pretend thoughtful looks on their faces. Then they only listen until the end of the Council meeting.
So yes, the Mayor may hear about all of this stuff, but don’t worry. He’s not going to do anything about it.
BWA HA HA HA HA!!! I shall quash the rebellion…
::flipping pages::
Friends, Dopers, Countr…
::flipping more pages::
So, a duel with sporks, eh?..
::throwing down script::
Okay, where are my lines?! What’s my role in this insidious escapade?
Falc and Shyana…I’m pretty sure I can find activities to keep you both occupied, I have no objection to having a pair of Aides and lovely as the two of you. Should the Chief see it as fit, I’ll be looking forwrd to working closely with the two of you…you know, for the good of the city. If the Chief doesn’t…well I’ve never been one to crumble to authority, so you both will have a place in my offices.
Now, I’ll take a Martini, shaken not stirred. You two settle in for some dictation.
Hmmm, maybe you’d better stick a teeny, tiny jet pack or homing device on the earrings… Like many Sexy Lady Spys, I throw like a girl.
It’s me! Perfect! I make also sorts of usless little stuff that ends up exploding in a hilarious manner, leaving me with that all-too-cool black soot all over my face! No one’s more qualified!
Hi.
I would like to apply for the bungling lucky agent position.
I am well versed in wandering around completing assignments knowing full well that I am a GOD! In reality everything falls into place due to incredible luck and a talented agent following me in the shadows keeping out of to much trouble.
Yes, that would be a wonderful roll for the Mighty Osip!
thank you for the consideration.
Osip
I don’t want to be the scientist I want to be the
I’ll be there to look pretty do common sense things and be kidnapped by the bad guys to be used against the secret agent but somehow always manage to help in the end.
That is if no one minds. smiles hopefully
I’ve noticed that the Executive Officer position seems to still be open. I think I can provide an excellent yin to SingleDad’s yang. Actually I just like being able to get in on the top of anything. Plus, I’ve got great organizational skills, such as, well, I’ve got them written down somewhere, if only I could remember where.
I see that the scientist position has already been applied to, but I will submit my resume anyway.
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Check the name: Original philosopher/scientist. Who can mess with the guy who thought of the atom???
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Research:
a) 3rd grade: Rode flying bicycle off of roof to experiment with flight.
b) 5th grade: Dissasembled fireworks and light-anywhere mathes to create Staff of Lightning with mild success.
c) 6th grade: Used clay and walkman parts to manufacture a strikingly realistic C4 explosive, resulting in evacuation of a school campus.
d) 7th grade - present: Dissasembled and reassembled toasters, ham radios, VCRs, etc to get parts to create viable solutions to the fusion dillema.
e) 10th grade: Blew up a huge chunk of Sodium “accidentally” in chemistry class, resulting in evacuation and smoke inhalation injuries.
f) Recently: Utilized radioactive isotopes, especially pure beta emitters to destroy living human tissues.
g) Current: Investigational New Drug tester for FDA. Minimal brain damage incurred.
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Philosophy: Belief in Neitsche’s Ubermensch and personal responsibility. Understanding and belief in Kant’s Categorical Imperative.
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Looks: Wacked out hair, bugged out eyes, white lab coat, etc. I realize a pasty complexion is preferable, but you could always attribute the tan to my ethnicity, thus scoring points for running a “PC” organization.
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I have cool tatoos.
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Beer is good.