…the local diner where several of the nice male Dopers were pigging out on some fatty foods. But not even cholesterol could engage their attention for too long when these scantily-clad babes strode confidantly in. One of them (who looked strangely like a young dougie) gulped before wandering over to…
see whether or not he was going to score this evening or if he was going to be shot down in flames like most evenings…he tried to walk with confidence and suave, though he knew he probably looked like a total fool just as he was about to reach the party of beautiful women he…
whoops reasons why i should proof my posts when i’m tired at one point it should read: he tried to walk with confidence and he tried to be suave…or something. sorry
… was SHOT! By none other than…
Fierra, the beautiful and evil drug queen - any small town needs indutries right?
Shot full of a new solution soon to hit the market which had the effect of…
…producing a reaction between Viagra and speed.
Raves may never be the same again!!!
The diner erupted in pandemonium as the drug queen fired again, narrowly missing one of the very cute, scantily clad ladies. SHe then calmy stalked from the diner leaving behind confused and panicked people who, after giving thanks for being alive were left to wonder what she had against Dougie.
If only they knew the truth…
That Dougie had stolen her secret recipe for liquid bubble gum, and was meaning to use it for himself. Fierra could not have this, since she planned to use the liquid gum’s strange chemical properties to power a machine which would…
solve world hunger, thus erasing her drug queen past & making her a fine upstanding citizen again…and incidentally make her a vast fortune.
Of course, in a bra like that, she was already a fine outstanding citizen, which was noticed by…
…every Doper present–and there were about 200! Fierra, meanwhile, asked dougie_monty to go into another room with her to speak privately. He agreed although he was somewhat wary.
“I’ve been working and fussing over this bubble-gum formula for six years now. I’d like you to do some research for me in the libraries in Los Angeles, including the Law Library, and write me a report–not just the legal aspects, but some medical and chemical matters. You have three weeks and I’ll pay you $500.” Dougie was impressed and asked for the data he’d need. Fierra gave him a folder with her business card stapled to it, including a fax number, a website and an e-mail address.
Then she embraced him with burning passion, and cooed in the sultriest voice this side of Julie London, “Go on back into the dining area and just tell the naked Ward women, ‘Fierra has left.’ They’ll take it from there.” Then she vanished.
He shrugged and sauntered back into the dining area, where the Dopers–all 200 of them–and the ten naked Ward women were waiting. He said to the women, “Fierra has left.” Pandemonium ensued.
The next thing he knew, he woke up, feeling intensely ecstastic, in a plush hotel room. He was on a huge bed with the ten women, all of them asleep. He saw his clothes, including underwear, freshly laundered and immaculately laid out. He concluded that from this point on he…
…would only sleep with Silver_Fire, who has mysteriously come back from the dead. He decides that he is in love with her. I will tell her tonight how much she means to me he thinks, as he sneaks out of the hotel room.
Furthermore, he mused, I’ll give her not only sex, but love. Love the whole woman. (Here he remembered a line from Jimmie Durante’s song, “Make Someone Happy”: “And when you’ve found her/Build your world around her!”) I will not only act sincere with Silver Fire, I’ll be sincere–and neither she nor I will have to wander alone any more. 
He then noticed that Silver Fire, unlike the other nine women, had just awakened. She must have been able to read his mind because she immediately…
…said, “Take me and love me for the rest of my life. I want no one else, only you. I love you!” To which dougie replied…
“I love you, too!” If there had been a way to speak a smiley face, he would have done it. Instead, he made the best of it. He and Silver Fire woke up the other nine Ward women, who got dressed and left the room. The couple just sat there for a while, arms around each other, and almost nose-to-nose, just happily gazing into each other’s eyes, their cheeks streaked with happy tears. They wept a bit and then composed themselves.
She started to dress and asked him to do the same. “There’s a great Italian restaurant across the street. C’mon, get ready, I made reservations.” The two of them couldn’t stop blushing–and sensed they could hear each other’s hearts pounding.
“Silver Fire, you think of everything!” he said, as he grabbed her in another close embrace, and even “dipped” her as during a tango.
“The reservation’s at one o’clock,” she cooed. He looked at the clock–12:02. They high-fived each other and, in a merry mood, fondled each other and traded ghastly puns. She went in to use the bathroom; meanwhile he sat on the bed, his face heavily streaked with tears, bowed his head and stammered, Thank You, Lord."
As they skipped out of the hotel room they noticed a strange sight down the hall, as ten other Dopers…
…were building a pile of firewood at the base of a post. Arkon, who was gagged and tied to the post, was glaring at his brother with pure hate.
“BURN THE SORCERER!” Arkon’s brother shouted with glee.
But the gleeful lovers ignored it all, reasoning that if he were indeed a sorcerer he could get himself out of it.
They proceeded hand-in-hand to their reservation where a young waiter was filled with warmth at the sight of them. His emotion threatened to overcome him but he’d keep that warm-fuzzy feeling with him for the rest of the week.
pan right from lovers as a shadowy figure, oblivious to the canoodling couple, stalks from the restuarant obviously on a mission
Silver Fire asked, “Dougie–do you see that shadowy figure out there?”
“I sure do, hon. Why?”
“Looks like he’s trying to get into Mission Santa Ines! He sure went to a lot of trouble to come out here to Solvang just for that.”
Then there was some angry shouting in Danish. Arkon escaped from the fire, and jumped off the fire escape, and landed on a Danish correspondent, in Solvang, writing a feature article for his paper in Copenhagen. He had been distracted by the lovers in the Italian restaurant. Now, sprawled in a planter, he yelled in plain English for Arkon to get the hell off him and then he…
…staggered to his feet, and went into the restaurant to bawl dougie_monty out for writing this about him. 
Arkon, too, went in, and for the same reason. “I had a mission to accomplish–I wasn’t coming out her to Solvang to visit one of the California missions!” Dougie apologized. Arkon stormed out, and, still with plenty of time left, set out on his own mission. After a short walk, sure enough, he…
…began tracking down a file his brother had stolen, a file that contained…
the current phone numbers of all the girls that he had dated in high school. (it was a very small file which is why he hadn’t missed it for so long). However, on hearing the news of the kidnapping of the first three on the list, Arkon sprang into action…
…and took a plane to Sacramento, where the story said they were being kidnapped. He remembered a kid from high school who, in Arkon’s appraisal, was going to be a troublemaker some day. Sure enough, in an old, abandoned house at the end of a street in the poor part of town, he heard this guy’s voice, chortling about his “conquest” of three abductees. He lobbed an opened bottle of ginger beer into the bathroom window, knowing of the kidnaper’s violent allergy to the beverage. Then he called 911 on his trusty cell phone. It wasn’t ten minutes before…