Note Nazi reporting: Official NYC DopeFest Note Log (very insightful)(Linked! DD)

The Official New York City 2001 Dopefest as recorded by Tripler

[sup]Dedication[/sup]
To the Agents of Knowlede. May they smite Stupidity wherever it may stand.

[sup]Foreword[/sup]
I would personally like to thank all of the Dopers present at this recent NYC Dopefest. I figured originally that 50 or so people would mingle with relatively mediocre success, but I was pleased with my trip to the City. I hate NYC, but this past event really gave me a favorable recollection. My thanks to Billdo, Wonko, and anyone else that pitched in to set this event up. Much obliged!

[sup]Introduction[/sup]
This log chronologically takes us blow-by-blow through the events of the evening. This is presented verbatim, from my original manuscript in the good book. There are no deletions, but there are some minor additions which will be indicated in parenthases (ie where one particular Doper provided an entry). To start, the log is broken up into three particular parts. I do want to take a moment to explain that while it is not recorded in the original log, one should not attempt to eat piping hot mashed potatoes for lunch, immediately after removing them from a 3 minute tour in a microwave oven - it seemed okay going down at first, but later scalded me from the inside - thus delivering me unto rather extreme pain in my famed “Mashed Potato Incident of 1315”. Feel free to ask me any clarifications on this log.

[sup]EPISODE IV: A NEW HOPE[/sup]

1355
Boarded southbound train for Hoboken. Finished Starbucks venti Cafe Mocha.

1357
Paid Conductor $8.25 for round-trip ticket.

1400
Thought about my personal injury of “The Mashed Potato Incident of 1315”. Vowed never to repeat again.

1401
Wished train would stop shaking so damn much when I try to write.

1429
Once again swore a personal vow never to repeat “The Mashed Potato Incident of 1315”. . .

1448
Arrived in Hoboken. Began search for Falcon.

1455
Made way into Waiting Lobby - no sign of Falcon.

1458
Decided to get a cold soda and meander about.

1507
After meandinering aimlessly and fruitlessly, my new purchase and I sat down to await the arrival of a previously mentioned guest. Marveled at the architecture of Hoboken Station.

1528
Bought copy of NY Times. $0.75. Read in earnest.

1550
Found Falcon / she found me. Switching to regular time. . .

3:55PM
Shenanigans ensued.

4:05PM
Falcon and I enjoyed hot & cold Starbucks creations (respectively). She furthered her cuisinatic delight with a scone. I was comforted from the pain of “The Mashed Potato Incident of 1315”.

4:12
Initiated DopeFest guest registry. Discussed collegiate efforts with Falc, and was tormented regarding current assignment location. Continued enjoyment of beverage.

4:21
Declared an “amusing asshole” by Falcon. Giddy giggling followed.

4:50
Finished beverages & proceeded to PATH trains.

4:53
En route to PATH, explanation of Tripler’s (RL) nickname “Oswald” delivered.

5:00
Made it to PATH trains, only to miss 33rd Street train by mere moments.

5:05
Boarded PATH train, only to wait minutes. Discussed posting after our detailed discussion on politics.

[sup]EPISODE V: THE BAR STRIKES BACK[/sup]

5:30
Arrival (at Chumley’s) & successful contact! Boorish drunken behavior begins!

5:45
Discussion over beer begins, which quickly turns to a “whip it out” fest of photo IDs.

5:49
Wonko instructs Falcon on how to continue a “did not - did too!” arguement.

5:59
Falcon begins work on her new Aerosmith cover song: “Falcon’s got a gun”. Using a rather good thick husky Russian accent, Tripler declares “You no sign, you no order beer!”

6:09
Biggirl issues “Nobody Cramps My Style!” referendum. Tripler switches his yelling to a more burly Scottish brogue.

6:11
Drunken debauchery continues unabated. . .

6:15
Joe_Cool sustains injury in the form of a boo-boo on his finger. Boorism continues.

6:20
Tripler issues new Dope Rule: New Dopers to fests (ie DopeFest Virgins) shall be declared “Note Nazis” and shall be responsible for taking the notes.

6:23
Museum Group arrives. The real party begins. . .

6:25
Wonko the Sane delegates responsibility of a NJ DopeFest to an apologetic Greenbean. Andygirl begins soliloquy of museum trip.

6:30
My linguini with mushrooms arrives sans beer, amids the cacophonous chatter of Dopers’ travel stories.

6:31
Hot food provides flashback of “The Mashed Potato Incident of 1315”.

6:47
Swiddles spots a large Altoids box capable of rendering a human cranium broken.

6:50
Opal arrives for the personal video-MPEGging.

6:52
Wonko declares “We have ways of making you bring us alcohol!”

6:55
Tripler improvises a “DopeHat”. Andygirl passes photograph of Quietgirl around. . .

7:01
DopeHat led expedition to Men’s Room launched. Wonko, Tripler, and Houseman intrepidly explore the far reaches of “The Bar”.

7:11
Utter confusion ensues as management announces evictions of Dopers from the Dining Room, while relocating them to the bar.

7:15
Management hereby declared ‘Management Nazis’, much like the ‘Note Nazi’, but without the notebook.
(From Hamadryad-) Nacho4Sara insists that Soulsling wants her. Soulsling protests, but without much heat. Merriment ensues . . .

7:16
Tripler is enlightened as OpalCat questions, “Does anyone want to draw on my head?!?” He feels he has now heard and seen everything. Management again declares a Draconian “Sit or Bar” policy.

7:22
Tymp arrives unfashionably late. One bill for food and drink reaches $133.00. Merriment and abandon continues unabated.

7:28
Robot_arm conduct search of Falcon’s purse, in violation of 4th Amendment Rights. Falcon’s driver’s license number is MARYLAND G-652-066-734-843. Swiddles issues verbal search warrant, no contraband is found.

7:30
Neighboring (non Doper) ‘Aisle Nazis’ verbalize desire for more space.

7:44
Tripler takes abuse from local natives regarding his choice of hockey clothing. Lurkernomore joins the fray in concurrence with natives. . .

7:50
(from Vix-) We could be a powerful force, but we’re actually just a bunch of geeks.

7:54
Tripler again recieves abuse at the hands of Rangers fans.

7:55
Evac to The Villiage Idiot.

Holy Editing Bat Man! I know there were some real juicy parts in there wer’e not seeing… :wink:

[sup]EPISODE VI: RETURN OF THE BUDWEI[/sup]

8:02
THespos relays story of Management Nazis and Christina Aguilera. (Miss Aguilera was our noted celebrity-lookalike waitress for the evening. We believe the Management Nazis and Christina Aguilera were in cahoots).

8:04
Satan is missed as a DopeFest attendee. Much sorrow is expressed. Summoning his name has proved fruitless. However, the night is still young. . .

8:07
Travelling band of Morons arrive at The Villiage Idiot. Tripler is struck by the resemblance of the place to bars in Arizona. Tripler declares the Idiot “His favorite Bar in NYC”.

8:09
(unknown author: ) Leather pants wearing waitress does not WANT to take credit cards!! :mad:

8:12
Karaoke rendition of CCR’s “Have you Ever Seen the Rain” rendered by THespos, Lurkernomore, and Tripler. Tripler continues with G. Thorogood’s “Move it on Over”

8:16
It is noted that there is a lot of dancing to the music. Festivities abound!

8:19
Tequila shots are ordered by numerous people of the Teeming Millions. 17 shots ordered, 19 delivered, but only 15 Dopers drank. Go figure. . .

8:27
“Hamadryad is awesome”. is written by a Hamadryad who commandeered the good book for her own Good.

8:28
Tripler (NJD) and Lurkernomore (NYR) decide to do vodka shots. The worst is expected . . .

8:37
(unknown author: ) Andygirl and Nacho4Sara , 18 and 19, get into the bar uncarded. Once again, corruption of the underaged is a success.

8:37.30
Nacho4Sara declares rather boisterously that she is betrothed and engaged to SuaSponte.

8:38
Biggirl flashes her (scandalously hidden) nametag to a receptive crowd.

8:39
(from Hamadryad: ) Pool table will not give up balls.
(From Biggirl): Suggest we for the men to put up a T or 2 of their own.

8:41
Illegible handwriting by Biggirl will be included in the final journal, but is noted to have some discrepancies.

8:42
For the record, {b]SuaSponte** does not hit on 19 year old girls.

8:45
Mirth continues, and the ‘Note Nazi’ figures at least 35% survivability to the Villiage Idiot. Tripler believes many will read this transcript and smile. Hamadryad declared a “boring loser” by SuaSponte.

8:47
Tripler revises estimate to 65% survivability.

8:50
Cecil Adams arrives!! Rhythmic gyrations of the Teeming Millions continue to the twangy tunes of Country music.

8:51
Final head count indicates 45 souls are on board the DopeFest! A great success! Huzzah!

8:53
(from Hamadryad: ) Hamadryad gets no play. Trend expected to continue, despite her best low-key efforts.

8:55
SaxFace mounts the bar to dance, in front of a cheering crowd.

8:56
SwimmingRiddles follows suit, and both swing and hop down the bar. Both are declared hotties by public referendum. Swiddles later begins accepting dollar bills via her waistline.

8:59
Song ends, but the bar dancing continues. Nacho4Sara joins the dancing troupe.

9:00
Andygirl explains she tipped Swiddles for her fine bar dancing. Lurkernomore adds that he was the first to donate.

9:08
(from Hamadryad: ) Hamadryad protests, and notes that Tripler is a weenie.

9:09
(from Hamadryad: ) Swiddles netted $3 bar dancing. A career change is anticipated, but not necessarily expected. Nacho finally gets off the bar, despite protests from Tripler and “The Boys”.

9:10
(from Hamadryad: ) Hama notes that Tripler is a horny weenie.

9:12
Tripler the ‘Note Nazi’ hereby declares that while he agrees with Hama, he will no longer allow her to author his memoirs. Case closed.

9:15
(unknown author: ) It is noticed that Andy is most likely the only 18 year old who sneaks into bars and orders Diet Coke.

9:16
(from Hamadryad: ) (Something is) Noted and seconded by Hama and thirded by Falcon. Hama notes that she has again gotten control of the memoir, reiterates that Tripler is a horny weenie - more “weenie” than “horny” to all appearances - and hands off to Falcon for the goal!

9:17
Tripler again wrests control of the memoir, and hereby closes any and all correspondence by others. This is getting out of hand. Tripler is IRL offended by the “weenie” comment as he defends a nation, as well as the ladies that call him a “weenie”. Rant closed.

9:20
(from Hamadryad: ) Hama retracts the “weenie” comment, and admits that she’s only lashing at Tripler because he’s a mad hottie and she’s feeling all dissed and has no social skills. CHAPPPY? Besides which, she got on her knees for him.

9:20.30
Tripler is now closing the “other author” option. He states that he is a weenie, but the Teeming Millions are more interested in the facts, rather than the opinions of Dopers present… .

9:24
(from MannyL) Mursertroid tonight was recognized by Biggirl as being Michael Vacation from MTV Karaoke.

9:30
(from Billdo: ) Billdo is sick of being a Mama duck.

9:34
Tripler reasserts his non-hottieness, ending the argument once for tonight!

9:35
Swiddles disagrees with Tripler’s declaration.

9:37
(from Kim: ) Kim thinks Cecil Adams and his “friend” are closer than most friends.

9:40
Nacho4Sara observed as having a great time, while hanging off of several male members of teh local populace.

9:44
SaxFace threatens Tripler with a death duel in dancing. . .

9:46
Of Hama & Silo: Tickling begins. Physical flirting ensues. Soulsling involves himself as reinforcements. Falcon decides to get in on the tickling action. WCW & WWF style takes shape as the “IdiotFest” parlays further into the eve. Hama begins undressing Soulsling

9:48
The pelvic thrusts of the previous group are noted. Silo and Hama are noted “moshing” amidst country music. Craziness ensues.

9:50
(unknown author, witten in green magic marker): SaxFace breaks beer mug.

9:51
THespos busted for checking out the waitress. For the record - very cute!!

9:56
THespos offers $500 to Tripler to get Andygirl to convert to the “Light Side of the Force”. Underwear included.

9:57
Lurkernomore seeks to get good mention in my notes. The good man is having no trouble, as he is a good man. Sousling chews glass & safely spits it out!! Soulsling is now curl (?) again! Lurkernomore is also a good loyal Rangers fan, and a close bud of Tripler

9:59
Sousling “swallows” broken glass!!

10:00
THespos loses his cellphone at Chumleys’, but finds it in his pocket at the Idiot. Trip protests to Falcon he is not cute or sweet or huggable. She does so anyway.

10:07
Tripler hereby declares his non-hottiness, and declines further advances to the same.

10:08
Nacho tries to get Luxfiat into the bathroom.

10:21
Hamadryad is noted as an insatiable tickler.
(author unknown) One Doper, under cover of darkness, secretly smoked a cigarette. SuaSponte poured himself a beer from a non-Doper’s pitcher. The non-Doper was heard to say “Go for it!”

10:47
For the record, at this point Andygirl has had a dozen Diet Cokes, and paid for none.

1054
Switching to pen, because pencil is dead. Falcon wants to hookup, and I am pretty buzzed.

10:57
Where are Lux and Sara? Everyone wants to know.

11:01PM EST
Many depart (myself included).

  • 0636, Sunday 7 January 2001*
    Tripler walks home. All is well, and the fate of the Free World is still secure.
    [sup]Final Thoughts[/sup]

I had a freakin blast! Thanks to all, and I hope y’all had as good a time as I did. Our award for Furthest Travelling Doper (discounting Tripler because he’s on leave in New Jersey) goes to HAMADRYAD. Others of Honorable Travelling Mention are: **Falcon, SwimmingRiddles, Robot_arm, LuxFiat, Nacho4Sara, SmackFu, and Andygirl!

[sup]Who made it! (In order of arrival)[/sup]
Tripler, Falcon, Wonko the Sane, Biggirl, Beer Church, Houseman, SwimmingRiddles, THespos, Lurkernomore, Robot_arm, Zebra, DAVE0071, SuaSponte, delphica, LuxFiat, Joe_Cool, Jersey Diamond, Friedo, Rosebud, Pattycake, Allesan, GreenBean, Vix, Hamadryad, OpalCat, UndeadDude, Nacho4Sara, smackfu, Soulsling, Little Nemo, Pucette, Maeglin, Overengineer, Chance the Gardener, Alphagene, Ukulele Ike, Manhattan, Andygirl, Billdo, Brachyrhynos, MannyL, Tymp, and Stuyguy. Also, thanks to our celebrity look-alike waitres, Miss Sara Baxter!

*Thus endeth the Tome of knowledge, of the Good Book of the Straight Dope NYC 2001 DopeFest. So let it be written, 'cause we were too drunk to remember it all. . . *

That’s all that was written! I know there was some good stuff too, but I just didn’t feel like sharing what Nacho whispered into my ear. . .

Tripler
I hereby certify this log as Correct, Accurate, and True, to the best of my knowledge, so help me God.

You sure 'bout that?
:wink:

I know there was an entry somewhere about my realizing that vix was short for Vixen…

and Nacho, well, she just had so many wonderfully interesting things to say…

Guess I can’t resist a man in leather pants…

Must mention, Things Attributed to Hama that she Did Not Write:

(from Hamadryad: ) Pool table will not give up balls.

(from Hamadryad: ) Swiddles netted $3 bar dancing. A career change is anticipated, but not necessarily expected. Nacho finally gets off the bar, despite protests from Tripler and “The Boys”.

Of Hama & Silo: Tickling begins. Physical flirting ensues. Soulsling involves himself as reinforcements. Falcon decides to get in on the tickling action. WCW & WWF style takes shape as the “IdiotFest” parlays further into the eve. Hama begins undressing Soulsling

{note: Hama did not tickle Silo. Hama tried, once, with no success. Hama did not undress soulsling, nor did she attempt to, although she’s sure a lot of the general population would have thanked her heartily had she done so. No, Hama half-undressed Billdo. Get your facts straight, dernitall.}

The pelvic thrusts of the previous group are noted. Silo and Hama are noted “moshing” amidst country music. Craziness ensues.

{Silo and Hama did not “mosh,” I assure you.}

Hamadryad is noted as an insatiable tickler.

{This is because Hama does not have Nacho’s flair, beauty, style, grace, vivaciousness, or native ability to inoffensive fling herself bodily (and boldly) against handsome young men, and she’s gotta get her physical affection where she can. Neener.)

All other statements, however personally unflattering, I have to agree to. Damn your meticulous eyes.

Yeah, unless you were tearing out love-letters and passing them out. . .

Tripler
I can’t find anything el. . . Oh wait!

I believe this would be -ahem- “cut”. No comment.

Tripler is a god for having taken (legible) notes throughout. I anesthetized the brain cells needed for writing at about 8:15.

How did I lose my cell phone at one bar and find it at another? Beats the crap outta me… Maybe Nextel has a “teleport to drunken owner” feature that’s not documented in the manual.

I wanted to say that when I got busted for checking out the waitress, it was probably the worst such incident I’ve ever been involved in. My eyes were fixated on her boobs and she bent down into my field of vision and gave me a little wave. Boy does that suck.

Bah. Everything I do is fashionable and proper. The problem here is that everyone else’s perception of time is woefully out of date.

Those may have been the folks that signed the book, but there were several that apparently didn’t. They include (from memory, which is pretty darn spotty): KHespos, DHA, Cantrip, Silo, SaxFace, jb_farley, Nicky, and quietgirldownthehall (by photograph at least). We also can’t forget Cecil Adams and Jack Dean Tyler (and his famous member).

I’m sure that there are some others that I’m not remembering, so if you have more names that weren’t posted, let’s add them so we can get a complete count.

[sup]Note Nazi’s Comments[/sup]

It appears that Dopers not directly concerned with recording the events of the night, have started another chapter in the record of the eve. About halfway through the book, there are scattered entries dating from 11:05PM to 11:45PM. In the interest of the memory of the Event (and to show you just how drunk we were), I hereby include this section as The Lost Book

[sup]EPISODE VII: THE LOST BOOK[/sup]

11:05
(unknown author: )Andygirl it really annoys me to see straight people kissing.

11:something
(from Swiddles: ) Any tongue is good tongue.
(from Hama: ) Not true, I’ve had really bad tongue. . .
(from Swiddles: ) Good point. Falcon and Tripler were checking out each other’s adenoids. Oh my! :eek:
(unknown author: )Chance the Gardener is a really good dancer! A fly landed on Hamadryad’s nose. GreenBean thinks smackfu is cool.

11:15
(from Swiddles: )“I’m really all about the tiara!”

11:20
Tripler closes the book with Falcon deeming TV . . .(drunken scribbles)

11:25
(from Swiddles and Hama: ) Swiddles and Hamadryad have given Tripler no play. We are proud of this fact. Hama nods enthusiastically.

11:something else
(from Swiddles: )At some point manhattan kissed Vix. Too drunken to keep track of “time”.

11:27
(from Trade: ) Vix has edited her name tag to read Vixen

11:30
(unknown author: )Hama did not kiss anyone!

Untimed entry
(unknown author: )I’ve been trying to get my hands on the notes for hours! Jack Dean Tyler showed a few of us Doper girls his uncircumcised penis. There was no TugToy ™ attached . . .

11:40
(unknown author: )Hama & Vix commence telling of bad jokes. Well, actually Vix doesn’t know any bad jokes. Or good jokes. Oh well.
Ex.) Why does the Statue of Liberty stand in the harbor? B/C she can’t sit down.

11:44
(unknown author: )Billdo threatans to give Nacho4Sara a wedgie while she’s making out with Tripler. Vix encourages this behavior.

11:45
(from Vix: ) Vixen (nee’ Vix) announces her intention to leave. . .

-Le Fin-

Well, debate can loom, but they are in your handwriting. How do I know? Because you wrote “Hamadryad is awesome” before I sponsored a coup to take the book back.

Life goes on. Is there any other scribbles in here I should look for?

Tripler
Perhaps another Book of Miscellanea?

Note: when she concentrates, Swiddles’ handwriting resembles mine. Draw your own conclusions. Also, I have about 7 different styles of handwriting, so your own eyes cannot necessarily be trusted.

These were written by vix, who obviously has a very poor sense of humor if she thinks that was a bad joke.

Actually, the REALLY bad ones were the ones she didn’t write down.

And, FTR, Tripler is an awesome guy. I’m only giving him a hard time because…well, it’s just darned entertaining, that’s why.

Hey! I didn’t write that!

About as entertaining as a Christmas cheese log on a hot summer day . . .

Tripler
And if there are incorrect author attributions, my apologies. I’m going off of what I remember and the handwriting here. I am willing to e-mail full copies of the entire script to anyone (when I get back home at the end of the week).

We’re just teasin’, ya know. We can’t blame you for not being able to keep track of the notes… you were otherwise, ah, occupied.

:smiley: