It was last Tuesday when it first happened, when those golden arches of evil snagged me and drug me into their drive through lane. Next thing I knew I was suddenly back on the road to work with a Bacon, Egg, and Cheese Bagel meal in the passenger seat of my car. I tried not to read too much into this strange occurence, I doube the news channels would get out of bed for a supposed alien abduction to Mickey D’s.
So I went to work and sat in the car listening to the local uncouth morning show while eating this meal. I mean, it’s in the car, I can’t very well waste it - and I couldn’t find a bum in need of a meal to save my life - or his. So I ate it and went on with my day.
Wednesday morning rolls around and suddenly I’m driving to work again and this time I get in the lane furthest from the dastardly fast food place. I make the turn and am on the road, driving by McDonalds. I laugh inwardly at my little victory, when suddenly I realize I’m in the drive through giving the tinny voice my order. Huh? I say again, Bwa Huh?
Thursday morning, I turn on the road and it’s like my body is being posessed by a being outside of myself. I’m driving to work and then I’m turning into McDonalds. By sheer force of will I’m pulling into a parking space instead of the drive through, Ha! I think to myself. I’ll walk into and then walk out of McDonalds - tricking them into thinking I actually ordered something. I’ll show them.
So I get out of the car and begin walking to the double doors. I step inside and am about to turn around when a younger cute girl with the McDonalds shirt and cap asks “Can I take your order?”
“#6 to go, with OJ.” Was that me? Did I just give her my order? Blast! Foiled again.
I get to the car and head to work. I pull into the parking spot and eat the breakfast grumbling all the while about how f*cking tasty this food is, and how quickly I feel my pores greasing up and my belly bulging. Ugh.
This morning I’m determined. I eat a small breakfast before leaving the house. I lock the doors and windows. I crank the music and as I make the turn I try to block my view of the Arches - but no, the car goes on auto pilot and reels me in.
The Sirens, like a sailor in an ancient sea going vessel, harness me whenever I come too close. They bring me in close and then smash my weightloss on the rocks of tasty food.
DAMN THEM! DAMN THEM ALL!
Monday I try again to survive them, Monday will be a new day and I’ll bring with me the holy cross of the Burger King, a garlic bulb, a wooden steak and a derringer with a silver bullet. Victory shall be MINE!